Too Afraid To Love
by batwaynebruceman
Summary: AU: Badboy!Kurt, Nerd!Blaine. Blaine's a new student at McKinley. He's terrified of starting a new school, finding comfort in the infamous Kurt Hummel, the school's "badboy". They're drawn to each other, but are both hiding dark pasts. Can they learn to trust each other? Warnings: Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse
1. First Impressions

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 1: First Impressions**

* * *

Kurt Hummel had a bad reputation and he knew it. He was the kind of person that fuelled rumours about himself because he found them hilarious. His personal favourite one was that he'd managed to seduce Principal Figgins to let him into the school, back when he was fourteen. He knew people talked about him all the time, yet he loved it. Kurt adored attention, whether it was on the stage or from people around him. Kurt's appearance was always immaculate – his hair was styled to perfection and his skin was clear. He was wearing his favourite leather jacket, a white t-shirt and skin tight red jeans, tucked into a pair of Doc Marten boots. He _knew _he looked good, and he often used it to his advantage.

"Look, there he is!"

"Where, I can't see him?"

"There, looking in the locker, next to the cheerleader!"

"_Oh_ that's him! Oh my goodness, he's hot!"

"Don't even _go _there Amy, he doesn't date _anyone_."

"I bet I could change that!"

Kurt raised an eyebrow, smiling to himself. He knew, without turning around, that whoever was talking were freshmen. Everyone else at McKinley High knew his reputation. Kurt pretended to look in his locker for a little while longer, before pulling out his maths books. Then, he shut the door, slamming it with unnecessary force. He turned to face the speakers – two girls, barely old enough to be there. They flushed when he stared at them, leaning against his locker.

"Can I help you ladies?" He asked in a sweet voice. They looked at each other and squealed. One of them, presumably Amy, took a step towards him.

"Hi, I'm Amy Carter. I… I think you look nice. Do you fancy going to watch a movie sometime?"

Kurt was silent for a long time, deliberately making the girl uncomfortable. He smirked as she squirmed and finally spoke.

"Don't flatter yourself sweetie. As your friend said, I don't date – ever. You're barking up the wrong tree here."

Amy flushed again and started stammering. Kurt rolled his eyes and walked down the hall, a slight smirk on his face. There was no denying it, he was an asshole. But he loved the sense of power that it gave him.

* * *

"I don't want to go to this school, I prefer Dalton."

"You haven't even _started _yet Blaine."

"But it looks horrible already; there are so many people."

"That's enough!"

Blaine Anderson lowered his gaze. He didn't want to make his father angry – he'd done that the night before and… well, it hurt.

"I'm not paying for you to go to that school anymore, it's full of _fags. _I won't allow my son to be exposed to that nonsense."

"Dad, there's nothing wrong with gay people…"

His dad struck him across the face. Blaine closed his mouth. He opened the car door and walked away without saying goodbye, his bag slung over one shoulder. He pulled at his jumper in annoyance – the weather was warm, but he knew if he'd wore a t-shirt, his dad would be even angrier. He would say that it's necessary to cover his bruises. Blaine's father beat him on a daily basis for the smallest things – he'd brought a friend over without asking his dad, and when they were alone, he'd beat him black and blue. Another time, he had dropped a bottle of milk in the kitchen. On that occasion, his father had kicked him repeatedly, saying he was useless. His father also hated the way he dressed, saying he "looked like a fag". If there was one thing he hated, it was gay people. Blaine didn't see the problem with them – he even had a couple of gay friends. Despite what his father had told him about them being dirty and desperate, they were all lovely.

Blaine heard his father's car pull away and he let out a sigh. He'd been _happy _at Dalton Academy. He had friends, even though he was what people would describe as a nerd. They all liked him, even the Warblers did. But now he was being forced to go to a public school – he'd heard rumours about places like this, and he didn't like any of them. He took a step forwards, and then another. Before he knew it, he was at the main reception area.

"Excuse me?" He said in a timid voice. The woman on the other side of the desk looked up over her glasses. "I'm new, and I'm not entirely sure where to go. Can you help me?"

"Name?" She barked, making him jump.

"Blaine Anderson."

She typed something on her computer and after about a minute, she spoke again.

"Okay, your first class is maths. I see you've been put into the senior class for this. How old are you?"

"I'm seventeen, but I was in the advanced class in my old school."

She nodded and handed him two sheets of paper – a map and a timetable.

"When you get to the class, ask the teacher if she can get someone to show you around for the week, until you get used to everything." He nodded and she pointed him in the direction of the classroom. Blaine thanked her and walked quickly, trying to avoid attracting any attention. He kept his eyes low and ended up walking right into someone, dropping his books.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I-" He looked up and stopped talking. The boy he'd walked into was glaring at him, as though he was something unpleasant at the bottom of his shoe.

"Watch where you're fucking going," he hissed, turning around and walking away.

Blaine picked up his books and stared after the boy, his mouth slightly open. His eyes were… amazing – a light blue colour. They were like ice except they looked… warm. The ringing of the bell made Blaine jump. He straightened his bowtie and walked into his classroom.

"Are you the new student?" The teacher asked. Blaine nodded and began to speak, but she held up a hand to stop him. "Don't, I know. I'm supposed to assign someone to help you around for the week. Kurt, you can do it."

Blaine turned to Kurt and his heart stopped. It was the boy from the corridor.

"Why do _I _have to be the one to show the kid where to go?" He said loudly.

"Because I said so Kurt. I know the crap you pull with some of the other teachers, but you should have realised by now that it won't work with me. You'll do it, or you can go to Principal Figgins."

Kurt rolled his eyes. The teacher nodded at Blaine, who gulped. He walked to his seat beside the boy slowly and sat down.

"Don't expect me to talk to you," said Kurt, slamming his books onto the table, making everyone jump.

"I won't… I… I just need you to show me where my locker is, and where all my classes are this week."

"Fine."

The boy didn't speak for the rest of the lesson, but he didn't do much else either. Blaine, however, worked as hard as he could. By the end of the lesson, he'd finished all of the work, along with all of the extension tasks.

"How the hell did you do all of that? Aren't you only seventeen?" Kurt asked as they rose from their seats.

Blaine nodded. "I like maths… I'm good at it."

"No shit," he said, but not harshly. "Come on new kid, your locker is next to mine."

Blaine nodded and followed him down the hallways of McKinley. He couldn't help but notice that he got a lot of strange looks as they walked, although he wasn't sure why. He took the opportunity to study Kurt. He was gorgeous, there was no denying it. His hair was a light brown and shined, even though there was very little lighting. His dress sense was amazing – Blaine knew his father would never have let him dress like that, even if he did hate the things he wore now.

"Here's my locker, and there's yours," Kurt said after a while, pointing to a small metal locker. Blaine nodded his thanks and put the majority of his books inside. He studied his time table, a small frown on his face.

"Something wrong?" Kurt asked, noticing his expression. He wasn't even sure why he was asking. He didn't care… did he? This kid looked geeky – he was actually wearing a bowtie. Although Kurt had to admit, it was adorable.

"I have French next. They've put me in the advanced class again."

"You're in the advanced class for French?" Kurt repeated, raising an eyebrow. When Blaine nodded, he laughed. "That's my class as well, but I'm shit at it. I'm not even sure why I take it, I don't need to learn French; it's not like I plan on moving to France."

"I… I think French is romantic."

Kurt frowned at him. There was something… different about him. But this kid was smart, there was no denying it. That was something he could use.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Blaine."

"I'm guessing you know my name?" Blaine nodded. "Thought so – everyone at this place does. Come on, I'll take you to French."

Blaine just nodded again and followed him. Kurt was lost in thought. There was something about Blaine that he liked, but he wasn't sure why. He was the complete opposite of him. Maybe it was how shy he is, or maybe it's the fact Blaine didn't stammer every time he said something to him. The majority of the people at McKinley did and Kurt couldn't stand it. It annoyed the fuck out of him.

When they got to the classroom, Kurt sat down. Blaine hesitated – it was only when Kurt nodded that he sat beside him. As the rest of the class entered, they stared, open-mouthed at Kurt and Blaine.

"Why is everyone-?"

"Staring at us?" Kurt finished for Blaine. "Because you're with me. I barely talk to the people at this school, so to actually see me sat with another person is confusing for them."

Blaine just nodded. There was no denying, Kurt seemed to hate people, but he wasn't sure why. Maybe he just preferred to be alone.

Kurt watched Blaine closely throughout the lesson. He was in awe. This kid was amazing at maths, and even better at French. He spoke the language with such ease and control, it was fascinating.

"Listen Blaine," he said halfway through the lesson. "I don't do this often, so you'd better say yes. But I need a tutor for French. I'm shit at it, and I need to pass the finals exam so I can graduate this year. You're amazing; I'm not going to bother lying. So I want you to tutor me." When Blaine hesitated, he rolled his eyes. "I'll pay you for it, don't worry. I don't expect you do it for free." This last part was a lie – if it was anyone else, Kurt would have _made _them do it for free. But Blaine was different; he looked so innocent, it would be unfair to take advantage of him.

"Sure," Blaine said quietly. "I'll do it."

Kurt smiled at him. They were silent for the rest of the lesson. Blaine wasn't in any more of Kurt's lessons, so he sat alone for the rest of the day.

When the final bell rang to signal the end of the day, everyone leapt out of their seats. Except Blaine. He got up slowly and walked through the halls, dragging his feet. He wasn't looking forward to going home. If he could, he'd sleep at the school. But he knew that was stupid. He went into one of the bathrooms and splashed his face with cold water.

"Come _on _Blaine, get a grip," he muttered. "Yes, your dad's an asshole, but he's still family."

He sighed and pulled down the neck of his jumper, examining the dark purple bruises. Then, he lifted it, looking at his torso. His ribs were black and purple and hurt like hell, but still. He had to grit his teeth and get on with it. He smoothed his clothes down and left the bathroom. As he was walking towards the exit of the school, he heard it.

"_Come with me, and you'll be_

_In a world of pure imagination._

_Take a look at you'll see into your imagination."_

Blaine stopped walking, a frown on his face. He peeked into one of the rooms to see a group of people stood, reading lyrics off sheets. There weren't many of them, but their voices sounded beautiful together.

"_We'll begin with a spin,_

_Travelling in a world of my creation_

_What we'll see will define explanation_

_If you want to view paradise_

_Simply look around and view it_

_Anything you want to, do it_

_Wanna change the world?_

_There's nothing to it."_

"Wait!" Said a girl's voice. "There's someone watching us! He could be a spy"

The group of people turned to stare at Blaine, who froze.

"Who are you?"

Blaine bit his lip. He took a hesitant step in the room. He felt like he was trespassing.

"I'm Blaine. I… I'm new."

"Oh, aren't you in my maths class?" One of them, an Asian boy asked. Blaine shrugged.

"Guys, why have you stopped singing? You were sounding amazing! Oh…" The teacher caught sight of Blaine and gave him a warm smile. "Can we help you?"

"I… I just heard you all singing. You sounded good… I wanted to see what was going on." The teacher nodded, still smiling. "Are they any openings?"

"Um… well you'd have to audition, but… well, if you're good enough, I'm sure we can find a place for you. Have you done anything in show choirs before?"

Blaine nodded. "I was in the choir at my old school."

"That sounds perfect. How about tomorrow, during your lunch period?"

Blaine nodded again and left, feeling happier than he had all day. A show choir was perfect! They weren't like the Warblers, who did everything without backing tracks, but they sounded amazing together. Blaine was actually looking forward to school tomorrow.


	2. Welcome To Glee Club

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 2: Welcome To Glee Club**

* * *

Kurt walked into his bedroom, throwing his bag in a corner. He plugged his phone into his speakers and put some music on, turning it up loudly. No one was home, so no one would bother him. He sat on his bed and opened his laptop, logging onto Facebook. He found his fingers typing a name into the search bar before he even realised it. Blaine's profile was pretty basic – the poor kid only had a hundred friends. Kurt frowned. His profile photo was him with a group of boys, all wearing the same uniform. He zoomed into the logo and rolled his eyes. Dalton Academy. That would explain why Blaine was so smart – that school only accepted the best. Why the hell had he transferred to McKinley? Kurt carried on browsing his photos, even though there weren't many. There weren't any of his family – only his friends at Dalton. Kurt frowned again. Strange, _his_ Facebook had photos of his old friends and his family, especially his mum.

Kurt slammed the lid of the laptop shut. Why had he thought of his mother? It still fucking hurt. He glanced at the photo in the frame beside his bed and sighed. He missed her every day. The pain was still there – sure, it had dulled a bit, but it would never go away. Kurt was afraid to get close to anyone, in case they were taken from him again, just like his mother had been.

* * *

"You look like you're going to shit yourself."

Blaine started. He looked up to see Kurt leaning casually against his locker, watching him. He smiled at him, turning his eyes back to what he was doing.

"I guess I'm just nervous."

"What for? It's only school."

"I'm auditioning for the New Directions."

Kurt's mouth dropped open. His eyes were wide as he stared at Blaine. "You… The Glee club?" Blaine nodded. "Why? That's like social suicide."

"I like singing. It helps me relax. I did it at my old school."

"I like to sing as well you know, but I'm not in Glee."

"How come? I mean, if you like singing…"

"Because I have a reputation to uphold," Kurt snapped. He regretted it immediately. "Sorry Blaine… It's just… Glee's not very popular. I'd love to join but…"

"It's okay. You want to keep up your image."

"I'm a dick, aren't I?"

Blaine smiled. "A little. You could always audition though?"

Kurt frowned, thinking. "You know what, I think I might."

"Really?"

"Yeah… Who knows, maybe I can make Glee club popular." He winked and Blaine laughed at him. "When's the audition?"

"In ten minutes, in the auditorium. Are… are you auditioning today?"

"No, I'm doing it next year," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I'm auditioning today."

"But-but you haven't prepared anything…"

Kurt flashed a grin at Blaine. "I don't need to prepare Blaine. I'm fabulous."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Blaine was stood on the stage of the auditorium. All of the members of the Glee club at McKinley were sat in the seats, watching him closely.

"Your name?" said a voice. Blaine realised it was the teacher that had spoken to him the day before.

"Blaine Anderson."

"Hi Blaine. What are you going to sing?"

"Teenage Dream, by Katy Perry."

"Good choice. We're ready when you are."

Blaine glanced to the side of the stage, where Kurt was stood. He winked at him, giving him the courage he needed. When the music stared, Blaine closed his eyes. He was lost in the song.

_"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on_

_You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong_

_I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down_

_Before you met me I was alright_

_But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life_

_Now every February you'll be my Valentine, Valentine_

_Let's go all the way tonight_

_No regrets, just love, we can dance until we die_

_You and I, we'll be young forever_

_You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream_

_The way you turn me on, I can't sleep_

_Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back_

_My heart stops when you look at me_

_Just one touch, now baby I believe_

_This is real, so take a chance_

_And don't ever look back, don't ever look back_

_We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach_

_Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets_

_I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece, I'm complete_

_Let's go all the way tonight_

_No regrets, just love, we can dance until we die_

_You and I, we'll be young forever_

_You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream_

_The way you turn me on, I can't sleep_

_Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back_

_My heart stops when you look at me_

_Just one touch, now baby I believe_

_This is real, so take a chance_

_And don't ever look back, don't ever look back_

_I'm a get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans_

_Be your teenage dream tonight_

_Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans_

_Be your teenage dream tonight_

_Yeah, you make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream_

_The way you turn me on, I can't sleep_

_Let's run away and don't ever look back_

_Don't ever look back_

_My heart stops when you look at me _

_Just one touch, now baby I believe_

_This is real, so take a chance_

_And don't ever look back, don't ever look back_

_I'm a get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans_

_Be your teenage dream tonight_

_Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans_

_Be your teenage dream tonight."_

As the song ended, the auditorium burst into applause. Blaine couldn't help but grin. He took another glance at Kurt, surprised to see him clapping hard. He looked back at the Glee club, still grinning.

"Blaine Anderson, welcome to the New Directions!"

"Thank you so much!"

"There's a rehearsal today, after school, okay?"

Blaine nodded. He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

"Is it okay if I audition too?" Kurt asked, stepping onto the stage. The others gasped. After all, this was Kurt Hummel. _Everyone _at McKinley knew him, and most of them were afraid of him. They all thought the same thing – why would someone like him want to audition for Glee?

"Um… Of course you can Kurt," the teacher said. Even he couldn't hide his surprise. "What are you doing to sing for us?"

"Defying Gravity, from Wicked." He said confidently. Blaine moved to sit on the side of the stage.

Kurt looked out at the audience, a smirk on his face.

"_Something has changed within me_

_Something is not the same_

_I'm through with playing by the rules_

_Of someone else's game_

_Too late for second-guessing_

_Too late to go back to sleep_

_It's time to trust my instincts_

_Close my eyes and leap_

_It's time to try defying gravity_

_I think I'll try defying gravity_

_Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity_

_And you won't bring me down_

_I'm through accepting limits_

'_Cause someone says they're so_

_Some things I cannot change_

_But till I try, I'll never know_

_Too long I've been afraid of_

_Losing love, I guess I've lost_

_Well if that's love it comes at_

_A much too high a cost_

_I'd sooner buy defying gravity_

_Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity_

_I think I'll try defying gravity_

_And you won't bring me down_

_I'd sooner buy defying gravity_

_Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity_

_I think I'll try defying gravity_

_And you won't bring me down_

_Bring me down, oh no."_

Blaine's jaw dropped. Kurt's voice was phenomenal. It was the perfect counter-tenor and… well, Blaine thought he sounded like an angel. The Glee club were sat in a stunned silence too. No one expected Kurt to be able to sing like that.

"Welcome to the New Directions, Kurt." The teacher said, his mouth open. Kurt gave a little bow and turned to Blaine, who got to his feet and followed him off the stage.

"Kurt, you were… I mean, you were absolutely…"

"Thank you," he said, unable to conceal his smile. "So were you."

"You are going to definitely going to go today, aren't you?" Kurt nodded. "Good, because I don't want to go on my own."

"Blaine, why are you so worried about being alone? They're going to like you – you're a nice guy."

Kurt was surprised by the words that were coming out of his own mouth. Did he actually just compliment someone? Blaine rubbed the back of his neck nervously, a smile on his face. Kurt grabbed his wrist before he could lower it, his eyes narrowed. His gaze was fixed on the marks on Blaine's neck.

"Kurt, what are you-?"

"Come with me," he said sharply.

"What, why?"

"Just fucking do it, okay?" He snapped. He took Blaine's arm and pushed him into one of the bathrooms. There were three other boys in there, all football players. They were rolling up joints of weed. "Get the fuck out," Kurt spat at them. They looked ready to fight. "NOW!" They glanced at each other, hid their drugs and left the bathroom quickly.

"Kurt-"

"Let me see your neck."

"_What?!"_

"Blaine for fuck sake let me see your neck!"

"No, I-"

With a sigh, Kurt grabbed the neckline of Blaine's jumper and yanked it down. His eyes narrowed as he examined the vivid bruising.

"How much more is there?" Blaine noticed that Kurt's voice was soft – he knew that was a bad thing. He remained silent, but that seemed to make him angrier. "Damn it Blaine, answer me!"

Blaine didn't trust his voice. With shaking hands, he lifted up his jumper to reveal the bruising scattered across his torso. Kurt let out a noise like an angry cat.

"Who did this to you?"

"It doesn't matter Kurt, honestly-"

"Blaine, _who the fuck did this to you?!"_

"It doesn't matter! It's nothing to do with you, okay? Let me deal with this on my own!"

Kurt was taken aback. No one had ever stood up to him before. And he had to admit, it was kind of hot. He mentally shook himself – now was _not _the time to be thinking about that.

"Blaine, who did this? You can tell me." He reached a hand out to touch his shoulder, horrified when he flinched. "I… Blaine, I'm not going to hurt you."

Blaine was crying. He leaned against the wall and sank to the floor, unable to stop his sobs. "I'm sorry Kurt. I can't tell you. He'll kill me. Please, don't make me."

Kurt sighed and sat beside him. The door opened. He looked up to see a small freshman, who was obviously confused.

"Get out," he said as calmly as he could. The freshman looked terrified and left. "Blaine… did you dad do this to you?" Blaine remained silent. "I'll take that as a yes. Can I ask why?"

"Because I'm not good enough! He wants me to be like Cooper, but I'm not. He… he wants me to be my brother. I'm a disappointment. And I think he knows I'm gay!"

"You… you're gay?"

"I don't know, maybe! I've never had feelings towards a girl. There was a guy in my old school that I liked called Sebastian, but he was way too popular. Plus he was horrible to me. He bullied me, but I never reported him because he'd get kicked out. It's ridiculous."

Kurt sighed and wrapped his arm around Blaine's shoulders. "That was stupid, Blaine. You can't let people walk all over you, you just can't."

"Kurt, why are you so nice to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've seen the way people look at you," Blaine said quietly. "They're afraid of you. But you're really nice to me. I'm guessing you like me, but I don't understand why. When you found out you had to show me around, you looked so pissed off… but now here you are, comforting me on the bathroom floor."

"I… I guess it's because you don't treat me the way other people do. Everyone in this school _is _afraid of me. I don't socialize with anyone, that's why. It's because I'm different. But you, Blaine. You're so innocent. When you bumped into me yesterday, I was annoyed, yeah. But then I felt so bad for snapping at you the way I did. You looked so… helpless… And you do now. I don't know why, but you're different."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, before the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch. Kurt helped Blaine to his feet, and walked him to his classroom. He didn't care that he was late to his own lesson. His mind was focused on Blaine.

* * *

At the end of the day, Blaine went to the choir room for Glee rehearsals. He was nervous, especially as Kurt wasn't there yet. They all welcomed him and introduced themselves cheerfully, complimenting his singing.

"Sorry I'm late," said a voice. Blaine's heart lifted. Kurt walked in – he didn't look nervous at all. He put his bag on the seat next to Blaine's and gave him a small wink. The Glee club introduced themselves timidly, but Kurt seemed to be relaxed. He didn't look like he wanted to kill them, anyway.

"Hey guys, settle down!" The teacher said. He smiled at Kurt and Blaine. "I'm Mr Schuester, but just call me Mr Schue, everyone else does." They nodded. "So guys, regionals are in a month!" The Glee club clapped enthusiastically. "We need to think of a setlist. But, I figured we can do that tomorrow. Today, I thought we should make our two newest members feel welcome! You ready?"

The members of Glee nodded and stood up. They burst into 'Don't Stop Believing' cheerfully. Blaine grinned as they sang, thoroughly entertained. Kurt, however, looked rather gloomy.

"What's wrong?" Blaine whispered.

"I don't know if I like this. It all seems too… cheerful."

"Lighten up Kurt," he said, playfully nudging him. Kurt laughed and watched them perform closely. When they finished, he clapped harder than Blaine.

"Okay, I'll admit – I liked it in the end."

"Kurt, can I ask a question?" One of the girls, Rachel, said. Kurt nodded a small frown on his face. "Why are you even here? You hate everyone and… well, Glee isn't exactly popular."

"Do I really need a reason to be here? Did it ever occur to you that I just happen to _like _singing?" They were silent. "I didn't think so. Blaine's the one that convinced me to audition in the first place. But if you don't want me here then fine, I'll go."

Once again, they were silent. Mr Schue looked uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. They sang a few more songs and finished early, no doubt because they were feeling so awkward.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Kurt said to Blaine. "Wait for me if you want, I'll walk out with you."

Blaine nodded and watched him go. There was no point denying it, he liked Kurt. A lot

"It's Blaine isn't it?" He turned to see the Asian boy from his maths class looking at him, the rest of the Glee club behind him. He nodded. "I thought so."

"Dude, how the _hell _did you convince Kurt Hummel to audition for Glee?" a boy named Finn asked.

"I don't know… I told him I was auditioning. He said he liked singing as well, so I just… suggested he try it." Blaine shrugged.

"But… that's _Kurt Hummel_! You must be the first person he's actually had a proper conversation with in this school."

"That's not true," Puck said. "I asked him for a lighter once."

"Yes, and he said he had one, but he wasn't going to give it to you because of your ridiculous haircut," a girl called Santana said. Her eyes were fixed on the boy's Mohawk. Puck rolled his eyes at her.

"Well… Kurt seems nice," Blaine said quietly. "He's showing me around the school this week, because I'm new. And… yeah."

He shrugged again, not really sure what to say. Kurt reappeared.

"Ready Blaine?" He nodded and waved goodbye to the others.

"That wasn't so bad," Blaine said once they were alone.

"No, it wasn't," Kurt agreed. "But I'm still not sure if I like it."

"Why not?"

"Did you _see _the way they were staring at me Blaine? It was like I had three heads or something."

Blaine laughed. "It's because you aren't very sociable. You just have to…" He stopped talking, his eyes fixed ahead. Kurt followed his gaze and gave a quiet snarl.

"That's your dad, isn't it?"

Blaine nodded. Andrew Anderson was stood by his car, staring at them. He looked furious.

"It's because I wasn't home right after school," Blaine whispered, looking terrified. "He's going to be so mad."

"Not if I can fucking help it," Kurt snarled. He jumped the remaining stairs and crossed the car park, Blaine trailing behind him. "Are you Mr Anderson?"

Blaine's father drew himself up to full height. "And who are _you?"_

"It doesn't matter who I am, why the fuck have you been hitting your son?"

"I beg your pardon?" He looked livid.

"You heard me. I saw the bruises on Blaine's neck. You're _disgusting. _You fucking stop now, or so help me, I will go to the fucking police."

Blaine's father laughed coldly. "I'd like to see you try. Blaine, get in the car now!"

Blaine looked from his father, to Kurt and sighed. "I'll see you tomorrow Kurt."

"Blaine, I…" He bit his lip. He took a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote down his phone number. "Text me tonight, okay?" Blaine nodded uncertainly and got in the car. His father sneered at Kurt and drove away, leaving him alone.

"What the fuck have you been saying to people?" His father yelled.

"I haven't – Kurt saw the bruises on my neck and he made me tell him. I'm sorry!"

"Oh you will be, boy. You fucking will be."

Blaine knew, in that moment, that his father meant it.


	3. Protector

"_Blaine, just calm down, please_?"

"Calm down? How the hell am I supposed to calm down? You're in New York, you don't give a shit!"

Cooper Anderson let out a long sigh. "_You're my little brother; of course I give a shit. Just explain what's happened?_"

"I… I can't… He'll kill me…"

"_Okay, so I know its Dad. What's that asshole done this time? Blaine, has he hurt you again?_" When Blaine didn't answer, he sighed. "_I'm guessing that's a yes. For fuck sake Blaine, go to the police. Do what I couldn't do."_

"I can't Cooper. I… I just need someone to talk to."

"_Its two-thirty in the morning bro, I'll call you tomorrow okay?"_

The line went dead and Blaine let out a sob. His own brother was unable to help him. He could hear his father calling his name, but Blaine ignored him. There was no way he wanted to see him. He stood up slowly and pulled his shirt off. He was wheezing – no doubt he'd have more serious bruising to his ribs. He looked in his mirror and sighed. There was already a purple tint on his eye, and several bruises on his neck, snaking all down his body. He'd have a hard time explaining these, especially his eye. Blaine shuddered. Kurt was going to be livid. He picked up his phone, dialling his number slowly. He answered on the first ring, despite the early hour.

"_Blaine?"_

"Hi…"

"_Are you alright?"_

He hesitated. "No… Not really. I… I think I need someone to talk to you."

"_I made things worse, didn't I?"_

"Not really. He would have done it anyway." He heard Kurt moan on the other end of the phone. "I'm fine. I just want to talk. I need a distraction."

"_Blaine, don't you dare tell me you're fine. You sound like you're struggling to breathe. What the hell's he done to you this time?"_

"It's just my ribs, honestly, I'll be fine."

"_Go hospital."_

His answer was blunt. Blaine could almost imagine him shaking with rage.

"I don't need to. I just need to lie down and sleep."

"_Blaine, you can barely breathe. He's damaged your ribs – believe me, I know how that feels."_

"It's just my asthma," he lied quickly. "I have an inhaler."

"_Then use it, dumbass." _He could hear the smile in Kurt's voice, almost as though he was trying to cheer him up.

"I don't want to go get it…"

"_Why not… Oh… it's with him, isn't it? Right, just breathe. Do you want me to come over?"_

"No, that'll just make him angry. Honestly, I'll be fine."

"_I'll be the judge of that tomorrow, thanks."_

"You mean today… Um… when do you want me to tutor you?"

Kurt seemed to understand that Blaine didn't want to talk about it anymore. "_What about after school? My dad'll be working, so it won't matter if you come to my house. At least then, you can away from him for a while."_

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'll remember to bring my French books to school. Kurt?"

"_Mm?"_

"Thank you."

"_What for?"_

"Being nice to me."

Kurt laughed. The sound seemed to lift Blaine's heart. "_Oh Blaine, you have no idea how funny that sounded. You should know by now I'm not nice to many people – you're special."_

"I'm not special…"

"_Don't make me kick your ass," _he interrupted, making Blaine laugh.

"Stop, it hurts to laugh Kurt!"

"_Oh shit, I'm sorry!" _His voice had lost the humour from before. _"Are you… are you sure you're okay?"_

"I will be, don't worry."

"BLAINE!"

He jumped, his grip on the phone tightening.

"_That's your dad, isn't it?" _Kurt said, whispering even though he was miles away.

"Yes," Blaine breathed back. "He's angry."

"_Stay away from him, okay? Just don't let him near you."_

"Yes," he said again, although he knew it was impossible. There were tears in his eyes. He slid to the floor, trying to blink them back. "Kurt, I'm going to have to go."

"_No! Blaine, stay on the phone to me!"_

"I'll see you tomorrow; I'll make sure I have my French books."

"_Blaine Anderson, don't you dare hang up on me-"_

He ended the call. Kurt was going to be angry, he knew it. The door burst open and Blaine closed his eyes. There were some things he didn't need to hear, and this was one of them.

* * *

Kurt could hear his father walking around upstairs. He yawned and stretched and got out of bed. After a quick shower and change, he went up to the kitchen, not surprised to see his father there.

"You should lay off the pancakes Dad," he said, helping himself to a bowl of cereal. "You need to remember your heart."

Burt Hummel rolled his eyes, smiling. "Kurt, I'm the parent here, I should be telling _you_ what to do, not the other way round."

"When have _you _ever told me what to do?" His father laughed and Kurt smiled. He sat down opposite him. "Dad… Can I talk to you?"

Burt looked up and frowned. He nodded and set down his fork.

"I… I'm so angry dad. I can't even begin to explain…"

"Just start at the beginning Kurt – you know I'll listen."

Kurt told him everything Blaine had said on the phone in the early hours of the morning, and what he'd seen the previous day. Burt was silent, but his expression was clear.

"And he hung up on you?" Kurt nodded. "When his dad was looking for him?" Again, he nodded. "Shit Kurt, this is bad.

"You don't think I know that? I… I don't know what to do."

"You really care about this boy, don't you?"

"It's not like that Dad, you know I don't date."

"I never said it was son, but you can't deny that you care about him. He won't go to the police?" He shook his head and Burt sighed. "Do you want me to talk to him?"

Kurt hesitated. "Maybe – he's coming round tonight." Burt frowned. "He's going to help me with French Dad, nothing like you think. He's a genius. I have to go; I don't want to be late for school."

Burt just nodded. He watched his son leave the house with a heavy heart. Poor Kurt – he'd gone ten years being too afraid to get close to anyone except for him. Yet, now he was growing close to a person, they were a victim of abuse. He shook his head and rose to leave for work.

* * *

"Okay, let me see them."

Kurt's voice was loud, making Blaine jump. He kept his back to him, trying to hide his face for a little while longer.

"Not here Kurt – can you _please _keep your voice down?"

"Fine, let's go into the locker room."

Blaine nodded and walked forwards, still keeping his face turned away from Kurt. Thankfully, the locker room was empty, although that was probably because it was eight in the morning. Blaine sat on one of the benches, his back facing Kurt.

"Turn around." When he didn't do anything, Kurt rolled his eyes. "Blaine, I'm going to have to see this one way or another. Turn around."

With a sigh, Blaine turned to face him. Kurt was unable to hide his anger. The bruise on his face had spread overnight, until a quarter of his face was purple. Kurt crossed the room and crouched in front of him, his eyes dark.

"Have you done anything to treat it, like an ice pack?" Blaine shook his head. "Why?" He shrugged. Kurt stood up, walked over to the freezer where they kept the cubes used for ice baths. He took a strip of cloth used for bandages and tied a handful of cubes inside. He walked back over to Blaine and pressed it to his face gently. Blaine let out a whimper but otherwise didn't protest.

"I know it hurts," he whispered. "But it'll help, believe me. Hold it in place."

Blaine nodded and took the ice from him, keeping it against his face.

"You're still determined not to tell anyone, aren't you?" He nodded again. "I told my dad this morning."

"You did _what?!" _

"Shut up Blaine, he's not going to go running to the police. Do you really think I'd be that stupid? No, I told him because I don't know what to do. You won't help yourself, but you won't let other people help you either. My dad said he'd try and help, _without _going to the police."

Blaine nodded for a third time. "Was he mad?"

"A little, but only because you won't do anything about it – don't worry, he isn't mad at _you,_ just your dad." Kurt sighed and sat down beside him. "If you aren't going to tell anyone what happened, we need to think of a cover story."

"How about you punched me because I messed up some of your homework?"

Kurt laughed without humour. "Somehow, I don't think so. No, we need something realistic."

"I fell down the stairs?"

He rolled his eyes. "If that's the best you can do Blaine, fine. But that isn't going to work forever." They sat in silence for a while. Blaine was shaking. It broke Kurt's heart. He reached over and took his hand in his own, squeezing it gently. Blaine jumped at the contact, but he smiled. He obviously wasn't used to such a gentle touch. The bell rang and they both sighed simultaneously. They stood up, gave each other quick smiles, and disappeared to their first lessons.

* * *

Blaine didn't see Kurt again until lunch.

He sat alone on a table, picking at his food. He was one of the first ones in the cafeteria, and slowly as people began to file in, the rest of Glee club joined him.

"Hey Blaine, how'd you find glee?"

"How are you finding McKinley then?"

"What's your… dude, what happened to your face?"

Blaine flushed and bowed his head. "I fell."

"You… you fell?" Rachel's voice was sceptical.

"Yeah, there's a little step to get into my kitchen, and I fell down it. I ended up hitting my face on the bar stool as I went down."

She cringed. "That sounds so painful. I'd _die _if my face looked like that, even for a week or two."

"Great way to make him feel better, Berry." They all looked up to see Kurt, standing beside their table. As though she could read his mind, Rachel moved seats, allowing him to sit beside Blaine. "Thanks." He said without looking at her. They all stared at him, intimidated. "Well, don't let me stop you doing whatever you do."

Immediately, they broke into determined conversation.

"Thank you," Blaine whispered. For an answer, Kurt winked. The conversation through lunch flowed easily. Blaine actually felt like he was being included, he could tell they were trying to include Kurt as much as possible. Thankfully, he responded warmly. It was like he was a totally different Kurt. How was it possible for him to switch from hardcore, intimating heart-throb, to sweet and care-free guy so quickly?

"So, are the New Directions entering regionals?" Kurt asked politely.

The girl called Rachel nodded. "Yeah, of course we are, we aced sectionals. Although we aren't entirely sure what the set list is going to be yet. We have to work on that, I think we're doing that today."

"Do we have any ideas yet?"

She shook her head at him. "No. We've been trying to get a spy in the Warblers, but we haven't had any success."

"The Warblers?" Blaine repeated, looking up. "You… We're going against the Warblers – from Dalton Academy?"

"Yeah dude," Puck said. "We drew with them at sectionals, so they put is both through. That's not a problem, is it?"

They were all staring at him. Blaine lowered his eyes and mumbled "That was my old school."

"You serious bro, you went to Dalton?" He nodded. "_Damn! _What made you transfer here?"

"My… my dad stopped paying my tuition, so I didn't have a choice."

"Did you know any of the Warblers? What were they planning to sing?" Rachel said, leaning closer. Blaine had to admit, she was determined to win at regionals. He nodded, biting his lip.

"I was one of their lead singers," he said quietly.

"Blaine what was their set list?" She cried. He shrugged. Rachel leaped up and gave him a shove, causing him to cry out in pain. She ignored him, and pushed him again. There were tears in Blaine's eyes – his ribs were on fire. "Tell me Blaine!"

"Rachel, what the hell are you doing?" Kurt said loudly, standing up. The tables surrounding them fell quiet at his shout.

"I… I just…"

"He used to be a Warbler – they were his friends and he _doesn't _know what they were planning to sing. There was no reason to fucking shove him!"

Most of the people in the cafeteria had fallen silent now. They were all watching the scene closely – they all knew exactly what Kurt Hummel was like.

"Kurt, I didn't mean to hurt him-"

"He's _hurt _and you've probably just made it worse. Why can't you just win fair and square?" She bowed her head. "Because you're pathetic, that's why. You're so desperate to win; you don't care what it takes. Can't you see how badly Blaine's been hurt? He's been pushed around enough."

Blaine was silent. His head was bowed – he was afraid to look the others in the eye. He looked weak and he knew it. He felt tears escape his eyes. Without waiting for Kurt, Blaine stood up and left the now-totally silent canteen.

"Blaine, wait!"

He ignored Kurt's voice and carried on walking, not entirely sure where his feet were taking him. He ended up sat in the middle of the stage in the auditorium. He was crying – they were the kind of sobs that physically hurt. His pain was increased due to the state of his ribs.

Eventually, he got to his feet, moving over to the piano. Before he knew that he was doing, his fingers were gliding across the keys effortlessly. He missed playing. The minute he had started getting good at it, his father cancelled his lessons. That didn't stop him, however, from playing at Dalton in his spare time. Blaine taught most of what he knew to himself, including how to read sheet music. It was the one thing he felt good at and it made him proud.

"Blaine, you're going to be late for your next lesson."

He looked up to see Mr Schuester at the front of the stage. Blaine stopped, panicking.

"I'm sorry sir, I didn't… I just wanted to be alone… I didn't know…"

"Relax," he said, climbing onto the stage and sitting beside him on the piano bench. "Kurt came to see me. I was a bit surprised actually, he never talks to anyone."

"What did he say?" said Blaine quickly, unable to hide his fear.

"He… he's worried about you. Blaine, Kurt told me everything."


	4. A Little Lesson In French

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 4: A Little Lesson In French**

* * *

A chill went down Blaine's spine. "What did he say?" He repeated, unable to look Mr Schue in the eye.

"He told me… the boys that ambushed you on the way home from school yesterday, the ones from your old school… He said they kept punching you, because you left or something like that." Blaine looked up, a frown on his face. "He's worried because you've refused to do anything about it. Kurt _never _gets worried about anything. I guess the only reason he came to me is because you mean a lot to him."

He let out a sigh of relief – Kurt hadn't told Mr Schue what had really happened. He remained silent, his eyes fixed on the piano.

"I didn't know you played," Mr Schue said. "You're brilliant – you should play in glee sometime." There was a moment of silence. "Who taught you?"

Blaine shook his head. "I haven't played in years. I… I taught myself most of it. My dad stopped paying for my lessons, so I taught myself how to read sheet music and how to play."

Mr Schue's eyes widened. "That's pretty impressive. What else do you play?"

"Guitar and violin – I only taught myself how to play the guitar though, I had violin lessons at Dalton."

"Wow Blaine that's… that's amazing." He looked at his watch and sighed. "You really are going to be late in a minute. What do you have last?"

"Maths," he replied. His heart lifted slightly – Kurt was in that lesson. He waved goodbye to Mr Schue, picked up his bag and left. He did end up being late to class, but his teacher didn't give him too much grief – it was still his first week. He sat in his seat beside Kurt.

"Thank you," he whispered. Kurt looked up, an eyebrow raised.

"What?"

"You didn't tell Mr Schue, and you managed to explain these bruises. Thank you."

He gave a soft smile. "Anytime Blaine; I needed advice on how to help you, so I… shall we say, _altered _the truth."

Blaine gave a quiet laugh, stopping when it hurt his ribs. "Well… thanks."

"Don't mention it. Now, help me with this, I have no idea what standard form is but you are such a fucking nerd, you did it all last lesson."

They both grinned, oblivious to the strange looks their classmates were throwing at them. It was strange for them to actually see Kurt Hummel talking to another human being, but it was even weirder that it was _Blaine Anderson. _Three days he'd been at that school, and already he was known as the genius. Most people didn't care about his intelligence, but the cheerleaders did.

"You go ahead to glee," Kurt said at the end of the lesson. "I need to call my dad."

"About tonight?" He nodded. "Okay. I'll see you there."

Kurt gave him a smile and walked off, dialling a number in his phone. Blaine packed his books in his bag and began to make his way through the halls of McKinley.

"Hey, new kid!"

He turned to see three unfamiliar faces walking towards him – they were huge and obviously on the school's football team.

"C-Can I help you?" Blaine said uncertainly. One of the boys shoved him as hard as he could. His body smashed into the lockers and he let out a gasp of pain.

"So, we heard you're a genius. That's fine; there are plenty of geeks at this school. But what's _not _fine is the fact you joined glee. Haven't you been told what it is?" Blaine remained silent. "It's _social suicide. _Listen new kid, I have a deal for you. If you do all of my homework for the rest of the year, I won't give you a hard time about being a member of that shitty glee club."

Blaine's hands curled into fists. He drew himself to full height, glaring at the boy. "I'd rather take my chances in glee, thanks. I don't particularly want to do your homework."

The boy let out a bitter laugh. "Wrong answer!"

Before Blaine knew what was happening, he felt hands on him, once again being shoved into the lockers. Then, the three boys threw ice-cold slushies at him. He let out a gasp as it covered his face and shoulders. The boys laughed, threw their empty cups at him and walked away.

"Blaine!"

He turned, but couldn't see who was calling his name. He flinched when he felt gentle hands on him, leading him… somewhere.

"Its okay dude, we've got you."

"Yeah, come on. I know it stings your eyes, but the first one's always the worst."

"Get him some tissue."

The voices belonged to Finn Hudson, Mike Chang and Artie Abrams. All three of them had probably had slushies thrown at them before. Blaine wiped his face gingerly – the slushie didn't help his black eye at all. Once most of it was gone, he let out a sigh.

"Who was that guy?"

"David Karofsky," Artie said bitterly. "He's seemed to take it upon himself to make all of our lives hell. When I say us, I mean the people in glee."

"Any reason why?"

They shrugged.

"He did make Kurt's life hell for about a year though."

"Seriously?" Blaine said, gaping at Finn.

"Yeah, just because Kurt's gay – he'd shove him into lockers, throw him in dumpsters… he was horrible to him. Kurt got picked on a lot for being gay, but Karofsky was the worst. Anyway, one day Kurt stood up for himself. He beat the _shit _out of Karofsky." Blaine felt a surge of pride towards Kurt. "He… well, he looked worse than you do now. After Kurt did that, no one picked on him again. He doesn't look it, but he's lethal."

"Thanks Finn, I'll take that as a compliment."

Kurt was stood in the doorway of the bathroom, a lazy smile on his lips. Finn's eyes widened slightly. Kurt looked at Blaine and sighed.

"You get slushied?" He nodded. "Son of a bitch – I'd love for him to do it to me, I really would."

"You just want another excuse to fight him, don't you?" Mike said uncertainly. Kurt flashed a grin.

"Of course I do. I want to make him pay for what the put me through. And now he's picking on Blaine… Well, not if I can help it."

"Kurt, don't go getting into trouble just for me-"

He rolled his eyes. "You don't think I'm stupid enough to get into trouble, do you?" He winked. "Come on, we gotta get to glee."

He held the door open for them. They walked through, Kurt and Blaine at the back.

"Seriously, you okay?" Kurt asked him. When Blaine nodded, he gave a genuine smile. "Good. Karofsky is awful. You… I mean, you heard what he did with me. If he starts with you, tell me right away." Blaine just nodded again. "I'm serious Blaine. I'll kick his fucking ass if he hurts you."

Kurt closed his mouth. Why did he care about Blaine so much? Kurt _loathed _people, yet here he was, vowing to protect a boy he'd only just met. He was even being sociable with people in glee, although that was because Blaine liked them. Once again, it all fell back to Blaine. It was like he was drawn to him – something that terrified Kurt. He didn't like to get close to people in case they were taken away from him.

"Guys, you're late! We were…" Mr Schuester said when they entered the choir, but he fell silent at the sight of Blaine's sticky hair and wet clothes. "Slushie?" He asked. When he nodded, he sighed. "Thought so – the first one's always the worst. Who was it?"

"David Karofsky," Kurt said, taking his seat. Mr Schue nodded once – even the teachers knew how much Kurt despised Karofsky.

"Okay… today, I thought we could work on set list for regionals. Last year we did original songs, _but _I don't think we can this year, not unless we can top what we did last year. Who here plays an instrument?"

Blaine's heart stopped. He knew Mr Schue wanted him to raise his hand, but he was terrified – what if the glee club thought he was showing off. Very slowly, Blaine put his hand in the air. Mr Schue gave him a warm smile.

"Blaine, now you said to me earlier you can play violin, piano and guitar, right?" He nodded.

"Wow, _seriously? _I took violin lessons and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard, so I gave up." He couldn't help but notice that Rachel sounded impressed.

"Can you write music?" There was a frown on Blaine's face. He nodded slowly.

"I think so. When I was playing in the auditorium today… I don't even know what that was. I just made it up. But I think I could write music. You… you want me to give it a shot?" Mr Schue nodded. "N-Now?"

"Well, you could sit at the piano and work on some things – I think we'll only have one or two original songs. So… if you do that, the rest of us can come up with ideas for the other songs."

"What kind of song do you want it to be, sir?"

Mr Schue looked slightly taken aback – he wasn't used to being addressed as 'sir'. He mentally shook himself and turned to the students in the room. "Any ideas?"

"Well, we should do an emotional one, obviously!" Rachel said loudly. Blaine couldn't help but feel she was trying to make up for what happened at lunch.

"Yeah, an emotional one is always good," a girl called Mercedes agreed. "But how about one that's for people who don't fit in?"

"But we did that last year, with loser like me."

"Yeah, but this could be more emotional than the one we did before. Last year was all about not caring, right? We showed them that we didn't _care. _Well what if this year, we write a song about how it's affected us?"

There was a murmur of agreement. Blaine moved to the piano on one side of the choir room, while Mr Schue gathered the rest of glee club on the other side. Blaine sat on the bench and closed his eyes. They wanted an emotional song about how much bullying could affect someone? He could do this, right? He'd been bullied all of his life.

After ten minutes experimenting with the piano, he picked up one of the guitars. He allowed his fingers to warm up before setting to work. After about an hour, he had a basic tune in mind. He stood up and turned around, surprised to see the others watching him.

"What?" He asked uncertainly. Had he really been that bad? In the end, it was Kurt that spoke.

"Is there anything you can't do?" He whispered. Blaine gave a nervous laugh. "I'm serious. When you were playing piano, we all thought that would be it. Then you decided you weren't happy and moved to the guitar and… I just…"

Blaine laughed again. "Well… I have a basic tune in my head. I just need to work on lyrics… but I may do that tonight, ready for tomorrow."

Mr Schue nodded and glanced at the clock. "Good thing too, we've been here over an hour. I'll see you all tomorrow okay. Rachel, keep working on the message we're trying to deliver; Blaine, I want at least a verse and a chorus in my tomorrow okay?" He nodded and picked up his bag. Kurt was at his side in an instant.

"If you don't want to tutor me tonight, it's fine – you've had a long day."

Blaine shook his head. "Shut up Kurt, I'm still going to do it."

Kurt smirked – no one had ever told him to shut up before. They said their goodbyes to the others and walked out of the doors of McKinley.

"Hey, it's the new kid!"

With a groan, Blaine turned. Karofsky was leaning against a wall, obviously waiting for him. He stopped in his tracks when he saw who he was with.

"Can we help you, Karofsky?" Kurt spat at him. Blaine was taken aback. He knew Kurt had a temper – after all, he'd shown it on Blaine's first day, but this was an entirely different thing. There was pure hatred in Kurt's eyes.

"You… you think you're so tough, don't you Hummel? With the leather jacket and shit – pretty soon, the nerd here is going to get sick of it."

"I'm sure he'll give you a call if he suddenly decides he wants a beefy, ugly as fuck guy to slam his face into a locker."

"Don't push me!" He yelled.

Kurt took a step forwards, his bag on the floor at his feet, totally forgotten. "Back the fuck off if you like having all your limbs Karofsky. I'm not going to let you put him through what you did to me. I could have told everyone what you actually did, but I didn't. Fuck knows why, but I didn't. I kept it to myself!"

"You want another fight, do you ladyboy?" Karofsky said viciously. Kurt gave a bitter laugh.

"Oh, don't tempt me you ugly piece of shit. If I remember correctly, I kicked your ass before. Do you really want me to do that again?"

"Kurt!" Blaine said, pulling on his arm. "Come on, let's just _go. _He's not worth it!"

For a second, he didn't think Kurt was going to move. Then, he saw his muscles relax and he turned to face him. He gave a nod, then picked up his bag and together they walked away from Karofsky, to Kurt's car. Blaine could see Kurt shaking with anger.

"Kurt…"

"What?" He snapped as they climbed in.

"Don't let it bother you. It doesn't bother me."

"Don't you _see _Blaine? It's just how it started with me. He slushied me, slammed me into lockers, waited for me after I finished school. I ignored him but… Oh Blaine, he cornered me in the locker room and it was horrible. He kissed me – that _animal _was my first kiss. But that's when I lost it. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and I just flipped. I beat the crap out of him, and he left me alone."

Blaine's jaw had dropped. "He… Karofsky _kissed _you?"

Kurt nodded. "He's a gay in denial. And honestly, I think he now has a crush on you. I am _not _going to let him put you through hell."

"I don't want him to be my first kiss." He'd spoken without thinking, immediately shutting his mouth again. It was too late though – Kurt had heard.

"You've never been kissed?" With a sigh, Blaine shook his head. "Don't worry – someone will come along for you… I didn't count Karofsky as my first kiss, and I've had plenty since then, so it's all good. But Blaine, I will _not _let him kiss you, I swear."

Blaine nodded, watching as Kurt started the engine. They were silent in the ten minute journey, but it was a relaxed silence – there was nothing awkward about it.

"Kurt… your house is lovely."

He laughed at Blaine and cut the engine off, getting out of the car. "Okay then, Blaine."

"No, I'm serious. I live in an apartment; just having a garden makes this place wonderful."

Kurt smiled and led him inside. As he'd expected, the house was empty. He took him into the living room and sat on the sofa, patting the seat beside him. Blaine sat down, feeling uncomfortable – he never felt like he belonged in someone else's house.

"So… Um… this French work…"

"What about it?"

"Well… that's why I'm here."

Kurt rolled his eyes. He dug around in his bag, pulling his books from the depths. Blaine took them from him, a smile on his face.

"_Où voulez-vous commencer par cela, alors_?" He said in a perfect accent.

"Erm… I have no idea what you just said."

He laughed. "I said where do you want to start with this then?"

"Oh…" Kurt flicked around in his book for a while. "Why don't we start here – sounding legit?"

Blaine nodded, even though he knew that wasn't the title of the chapter. Slowly, he taught Kurt how to pronounce words properly in French.

"We're basically just going to work on your pronunciation – in your oral exam, it's important that you sound fluent, even if you aren't."

"_Je peux le faire par voie orale très bien, merci_." He muttered. Blaine rolled his eyes.

"You do realise I'm fluent in French, don't you?"

_"Enfoncer l'enfer_!" Kurt said, making him laugh.

"Language, Kurt Hummel! Swearing isn't going to help. Although it was in French, so that's good."

They worked well together – Blaine was a patient teacher, repeating things three or four times if needed, and Kurt paid close attention to what Blaine had to say. They'd been sat there for nearly two hours when the front door opened.

"Kurt, I'm home!"

Kurt stood up to greet his dad. "_Salut papa. C'est Blaine, il m'a aidé avec mon travail français, mais vous n'avez probablement aucune idée de ce que le baiser que je dis si ça n'a pas vraiment d'importance_."

Blaine laughed – Kurt had deliberately remembered that phrase, just to confuse his father. Burt blinked at his son, obviously confused. "Kurt, I have absolutely no idea what you just said. English please?"

Kurt winked. "You're going to have to figure that out on your own dad. This is Blaine," he said, gesturing to the sofa. Blaine gave a nervous wave.

"Hello Mr Hummel. Don't worry; I won't be here much longer."

Burt rolled his eyes. "You can stay here as long as you like kid. You know I would like to talk to you anyway." He nodded. "But I'll do that later. You keep helping Kurt with his work; god knows he needs to catch up."

Kurt rolled his eyes as his dad went into the kitchen. He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up slightly. "Where were we?"

"_Je n'ai aucune idée - vous distraire lorsque vous exécutez vos mains dans vos cheveux_." Blaine said with a sigh. Kurt shook his head.

"I have no idea what you just said."

"_C'est bon alors,_ I'm not going to tell you either." Blaine said, a smirk on his face. Even though he knew he'd have to talk to Burt about his father, he couldn't help but feel happy.

* * *

**A/N: I decided to put a note of what the French translates to in this chapter. I used an online translator, so I'm sorry if they aren't exactly right. Thanks for viewing this story!**

_**Où voulez-vous commencer par cela, alors? - Where do you want to start with this then?**_

_**Je peux le faire par voie orale très bien, merci - I can do oral perfectly fine, thank you**_

_**Enfoncer l'enfer - Fucking hell**_

_**Salut papa. C'est Blaine, il m'a aidé avec mon travail français, mais vous n'avez probablement aucune idée de ce que le baiser que je dis si ça n'a pas vraiment d'importance. - Hi Dad. This is Blaine, he's helping me with my French work, but you probably have no idea what the fuck I'm saying, so it doesn't really matter.**_

_**Je n'ai aucune idée - vous distraire lorsque vous exécutez vos mains dans vos cheveux - I have no idea, you're so distracting when you run your hands through your hair**_

_**C'est bon alors - That's good then**_


	5. I'm Proud Of You

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry this chapter took a little while. I've been so busy with college assignments, it's unreal. Hopefully I'll have the next update on here soon. Thank you all for reading/following/reviewing!

* * *

**Chapter 5: I'm Proud Of You**

* * *

Blaine tried to continue teaching Kurt, but it was proving difficult. Kurt was sulking; obviously annoyed that Blaine wouldn't tell him what he'd said. Blaine was getting distracted – it turned out that whenever Kurt was irritated, he ran his hands through his hair.

"Are you here for dinner, Blaine?" Burt asked, appearing in the doorway.

He hesitated. He knew his dad would be angry for being home late. But dinner couldn't hurt, could it? He looked at Kurt, who nodded, and then turned back to Burt.

"Yes please sir, if that's okay."

Burt was slightly taken aback by the way he was addressed, but didn't show it. He smiled warmly. "It'll just be a takeout pizza or something – Kurt's the one who usually cooks."

"Why am I not making dinner tonight?" Kurt asked, looking up and frowning.

"_You _are spending time with Blaine. I want you fluent in French buddy; I know you can do it."

Kurt rolled his eyes and watched his father go back into the kitchen. He turned his attention to Blaine. "How come you talk to him like that?"

"Wh-What?"

"You call my dad 'Mr Hummel', and 'sir.' You can call him Burt you know, he won't mind."

"It's… polite – just like I call my dad 'sir'."

"You call your dad 'sir'? Why?"

"He hits me if I don't."

Kurt's stomach clenched. It wasn't just the fact that Blaine's father beat him, but it was the casual way in which he said it. Blaine could feel tears burning his eyes, but he blinked them away.

"Pizza will be here in half an hour boys!" Burt called.

Kurt called back, and then stood up, moving over to Blaine. He sat beside him and put an arm around his shoulders. Blaine flinched, but he didn't protest. He liked having Kurt's arms around him. He leaned into Kurt's chest, smiling when he began stroking his curls.

"Careful Kurt, people will think you're going soft."

He felt Kurt's chest vibrate as he laughed. "Say that again and I'll punch you."

"At least then I'll know you _haven'_t gone soft," Blaine shot back, laughing with him. There was a few seconds of silence, which were broken by Kurt.

"Blaine?"

"Mm?"

"What did you say earlier?"

He sighed. "It's a bit… Well, I don't think you'll like it."

"Try me, Anderson," he challenged, smirking.

"I… I said that you're distracting when you… run your hands through your hair," he said, blushing furiously. "I'm sorry – I know it was inappropriate. I'm so sorry Kurt."

But Kurt was grinning. "Is that really it? Fucking hell, I thought it was serious. You are _adorable _Blaine. I'm flattered."

He blushed again and Kurt winked at him. After a while, Blaine sat up and began putting his books in his bag.

"What are you doing?"

"Packing away… It's not like you're going to learn much more tonight."

"Am I _that _much of a lost cause?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course not Kurt, but the pizza will be here soon. And you're _distracting me again!_" He added as Kurt ran a hand through his hair, a wicked grin on his face.

"Did it ever occur to you that you're just as distracting?"

"I… What?"

"Ooh, didn't expect that, did you?"

"What do you mean?"

Kurt opened his mouth to answer, but the doorbell rang. He stood up, winked at Blaine, then went out into the hall to answer the door. Blaine could hear the quiet conversation between him and the pizza delivery man, and then he heard the door shut.

"Pizza delivery," Kurt called cheerfully. He went into the kitchen and put the boxes on the table. Blaine remained in the living room, feeling slightly awkward. Kurt stuck his head around the door.

"Are you going to sit there all night, or are you actually going to come and get some food?"

He smiled up at Kurt and stood, following him into the small, cosy kitchen. Kurt sat down opposite his father and gestured for Blaine to sit beside him. He sat, keeping his eyes low.

"Okay, there's twelve slices altogether, so that's four each," said Burt, putting the pizza onto three separate plates. He handed one to Kurt and one to Blaine. "Dig in."

Kurt smiled and took a large bite out of a slice. Blaine watched his tongue flick out and lick a string of cheese. He moved his eyes away quickly and picked up a slice of pizza, taking a tiny bite. He felt… odd. They were a family – even though it was only Kurt and Burt, it was obvious how close they were. Blaine envied that. His family never ate together – his father was either out at work, or drunk, and his mother… well, she never left her bedroom. He was normally left to cook for himself.

By the time Kurt and Burt had finished eating, Blaine had only ate one slice. When he caught them watching him, he pushed his plate towards them.

"I'm full, thank you sir." He said to Burt, taking care to avoid his eyes.

"You've barely touched your food Blaine… Surely you're hungry?" He shook his head and Burt sighed. "Do you want to talk then?"

Blaine raised his head, his eyes wide. He looked at Kurt, obviously terrified. "O-Okay, sir," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"First thing's first, you're allowed to call me Burt. I've never asked any of Kurt's friends to call me 'sir' before, it's just not me. Burt's fine." Blaine nodded. "Now… you know what I'm going to say, don't you?" He nodded again. "Can you start from the beginning?" He was silent, obviously unsure what to say. "When did it all start?"

"I… I don't really know. I can't remember a time when I wasn't afraid of him. When I was younger, and Cooper, my brother, still lived with us, I would be locked in my room. And I'd hear shouts and screams from them all. I know it was my father, attacking Cooper… but I was too young to understand." Blaine could feel tears in his eyes. He took a deep breath. "My… My father thinks I'm a disappointment. He doesn't like the way I dress, the way I look, or the way I act…."

"What about your mother?" Burt said softly, his eyes fixed on the boy in front of him. "Can't she do anything about this?"

"Mr Hummel, my mother can't even look after herself. She's not… normal. She never comes out of her bedroom, and the only time I get to see her is when my father's out, so I can go in with her. She sometimes knows I'm there, but sometimes she doesn't. I know she's on a lot of tablets… I don't _really _know what's wrong with her, only that she isn't mentally stable."

His voice broke at the end. Burt could tell how much it was hurting him to talk, but it was necessary. He spoke again, trying to remain calm.

"And how often does your father… hurt you?"

"He does it every day," Blaine murmured. He could see Kurt shaking with fury next to him.

"And how bad is it?"

"N-Not very… I just have to be careful how I walk-"

"Blaine, don't you dare lie to my dad," Kurt interrupted. "I've _seen _what that bastard did to you. You could barely breathe."

"It's nothing," he said, unable to meet Kurt's gaze. "It's just bruises."

"And how many more are you willing to get? I… I _can't _let you go back there, I just can't!"

"Why do you even care Kurt? You said it yourself; you hate everyone at McKinley, in this town. Why am I any different?"

"I care about you Blaine!"

The room was quiet. The silence was eventually broken by Burt, who was looking from his son, to Blaine.

"What do you say about staying here a couple of times a week, at least?" He said.

"Wh-What?"

"You heard me. If you won't go to the police, then we need to think of a way of getting you _out _of the house and away from your dad."

He shook his head. "No, I can't. I'm sorry Mr Hummel, but my mother needs me. She doesn't like me being away from the house. I'm… I'm sorry sir."

"I told you not to call me sir," Burt said, smiling. He leaned forward. Blaine automatically flinched, ready to be beaten. But the blows he expected never came. Instead, he felt warm pressure on his shoulder – Burt's hand.

"I'm not going to hurt you Blaine, you need to remember that." He stood up, putting the plates on the side. "I'll do these dishes later. Why don't you two go and hang out for a bit? You've been working for hours. Blaine, take this pizza with you." He handed him his plate with the untouched pizza on, and smiled. "I'll be in the living room."

Kurt nodded at his father and watched him go. Then he turned to Blaine.

"You're very brave," he whispered.

"I… What?"

"I said you're very brave." Blaine frowned at him and he sighed. "You're braver than me. I'm proud of you."

He laughed at his. "Now you know that isn't true. You're the school's badass."

"True," he said, smirking. "But I don't think I could put up with what you do. I mean, I still think you should report him, but…"

"You know I won't do that," Blaine finished for him. Kurt nodded.

"And that breaks my heart… because you don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy." He rolled his eyes and Kurt flicked his nose lightly. "Don't roll your eyes at me, or I'll beat you up."

Blaine laughed again. "Like I said before, at least then people will know you haven't gone soft."

Kurt rolled his eyes and pulled Blaine into a hug. "You'd better appreciate this, I don't hug people. Ever."

Blaine nodded, relaxing into Kurt's arms. "I do appreciate it," he said in a soft voice. After a few seconds, he spoke again. "Kurt, what were you going to say before, just before the pizza came?"

"Which part?"

"You said I was a distraction."

Kurt grinned. "I did. Well, you are Blaine. You walk around in your little bowties, and your sweaters. You're adorable, okay? And I find it hard to concentrate when you're around because of that."

"You think I'm adorable?" Blaine repeated sceptically. Kurt nodded.

"Yes. You're cute, okay? And you think I'm a fine piece of ass, so we're even."

"I never said you were a-"

"You were thinking it, that's all that counts!"

Blaine rolled his eyes, then felt something buzz in his pocket. He took his phone in his hand and smiled.

"It's my dad," he said quietly. Without looking at Kurt, he answered the call. "Hello?"

"_Where the fuck are you?" _His dad snarled.

"I'm at a friend's house. Do you… do you want me to come home?

"_You don't have any friend's Blaine. Unless… are you with those fucking Dalton fags again?"_

"No sir, I made a friend at McKinley and I'm tutoring him French. I'm sorry, I'll leave now."

"_As long as it isn't that queer from the other day, I don't give a shit. Get your ass home now, I'll be there in a few hours."_

"You aren't home?"

"_No, I'm about to go out. Just fucking get your ugly, piece of shit ass home this instant. Remember, I'll know if you're lying Blaine."_

"Okay sir, I'm sorry. I'll leave now." The line went dead. Blaine sighed and turned to face Kurt, who was glaring at him. "What?"

"You let that bastard walk all over you!" He snapped. "This has _got _to stop!"

"I'll work something out," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I have to go Kurt. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Don't be a fucking moron, I'm going with you."

"I can walk by myself."

"Shut up Blaine, I'm driving you."

He ignored Blaine's protests and walked into the living room.

"Dad, Blaine has to go. I'm dropping him home okay? Don't worry, I shouldn't be too long."

Blaine heard Burt agree and Kurt reappeared, carrying his things. He handed Blaine his bag and jacket. They walked out of Kurt's house and got into his car.

Blaine gave him quiet directions and Kurt took off.

"I had no idea you lived _here."_

"What do you mean?"

"Well… it's not exactly the nicest of neighbourhoods, is it?"

Blaine shrugged. In all honesty, he agreed with what Kurt was saying. But at the same time, this was where he had to go every night – he couldn't afford to be depressed about it.

Kurt didn't speak again until they were outside Blaine's apartment.

"Can… Can I come in with you? Just for a minute, I want to make sure you're okay."

Blaine nodded. He opened the door and stepped inside. It was a relief that his father was nowhere around.

"I'm home, Mamma!" He called, addressing her the way he always did. He called her 'mamma' even when he was a small child. Silence was the only thing that answered him. That was strange – normally she answered him straight away, no matter what time it was. "Mamma?" he repeated. He glanced at Kurt and made his way to his mother's bedroom. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. This set Blaine into panic mode.

"Mamma, mamma, open the door! Please mamma!" He banged on it as hard as he could. He looked at Kurt hopelessly.

"Stand back," he said. Blaine did as he was told. Kurt kicked the door as hard as he could – Blaine let out a small cry when it opened with a crash. His father was going to kill him. He walked into the bedroom slowly, frowning when his mother wasn't inside.

"Mamma… where have you gone?" He took another step into the room. That was when he saw the bathroom door slightly ajar. He opened it slowly.

Blaine nearly vomited at the sight before him. He knew it was something he would never forget in his life. He let out a scream and fell to his knees. Kurt ran next to him and gave a sharp gasp. His hand flew up to cover his mouth and his eyes were wide.

There, on the bathroom floor, was a knife. Beside that, lying in a pool of her own blood, was Blaine's mother.


	6. The Hospital

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Hospital**

* * *

"Mamma…" Blaine's voice was quiet and broken. Still on his knees, he crawled to his mother's side. His hands moved to her hair, brushing it out of her face. Her skin was ice cold and deathly pale. "Mamma… No…"

"Hello?" Kurt said from the other room. His voice was incredibly shaky, but desperate. "I need an ambulance. The address… crap, I don't know Blaine, what's your address?" He asked, reappearing in the doorway.

"317… Thomas Street," he said, his voice breaking. "Apartment 3B… Kurt, tell them to hurry!"

Kurt repeated the address down the phone. "Yes, please hurry. His… his mother's on the floor… There's a lot of blood. No, I don't know if she is… do you want me to check? Okay. Blaine?" He said, kneeling beside him. "Listen, Blaine. I need to check if she's breathing. You have to move."

Blaine looked up at Kurt, his eyes wide. He nodded slowly and shifted, allowing Kurt to reach her body. His hands moved to her wrist, wincing at the gashes that were there. He frowned, moving his hands to her neck.

"She… she isn't breathing," Kurt said into the phone, his voice breaking. "And I can't find a pulse. Okay… Please, please hurry. Yes, I'll stay on the line, but… I think my friend needs me." He put the phone on the edge of the bath without hanging up. Then, he knelt beside Blaine and took hold of his hand. "Blaine? Blaine, look at me."

He tore his eyes from his mother's body to meet Kurt's gaze. There were tears falling from his eyes and broken sobs were escaping his lips.

"Kurt… My mamma…"

He let out a howl and Kurt pulled him into his arms, stroking his curly hair.

"I know Blaine… Believe me, I do. I'm so sorry. There's nothing I can say to numb this pain, I know that. But I'm here for you, I promise. I swear Blaine, I'll be here for you whenever you need me, no matter what time it is."

Blaine allowed himself to be comforted, even though it didn't make him feel any better. After a few minutes, they heard movement from outside the flat. Kurt called to them and there were footsteps. Two paramedics entered the bathroom. Without looking at the two teenagers on the floor, they picked up Blaine's mother and put her on a stretcher, using a white sheet to cover her body. One of them wheeled the stretcher out of the bathroom, and the other one crouched down beside Kurt and Blaine.

"Which one of you is Blaine?" She said in a soft voice. Blaine tried to speak, but no sound came out.

"He is," Kurt said to the woman. "I'm the one who phoned the ambulance."

She nodded. "You did the right thing. Come on; let's get you both to the hospital." She held her hand out to Blaine, but Kurt pushed it away. He got to his feet and pulled Blaine up.

"Come on honey, we have to go." His voice was soft. Blaine just nodded numbly and followed Kurt and the paramedic out of the flat. His neighbours were peeking out of their doorways, horrified by what they saw.

* * *

"I got you some coffee."

Blaine nodded his thanks and took the cup from Kurt. He was numb – his eyes were red and puffy. He'd only stopped crying a few minutes ago. They had been in the hospital for hours. The doctors told him there was no way his mother could have survived, and they confirmed that she'd slashed her own wrists. His father had been contacted and was on his way.

Kurt sat beside Blaine in the waiting room. They were both covered in blood, and odd looks were being thrown their way, but it was the last thing on their minds. Kurt held his hand tightly – this small gesture was all he could do. He knew it wouldn't make Blaine feel any better, but hopefully it let him know that he was cared for. They were silent – Blaine hadn't been able to speak for hours, and Kurt knew there was no point in trying to force him to.

"WHERE THE _FUCK _IS MY SON?"

Andrew Anderson's voice was thunderous. Blaine started as though he had been electrocuted and looked up, his eyes wide. He started shaking, obviously petrified. Kurt looked up to see Blaine's father through the glass doors, bellowing at a nurse. He gave Blaine's hand a gentle squeeze.

"Listen to me," he whispered urgently. "You don't have to go home. You can stay at my house – he _can't _make you go back with him. Just keep hold of my hand, okay? Squeeze it if you need to, I don't care how hard you do it. Just keep hold of me."

Blaine gave a shaky nod, flinching when his father opened the doors with an almighty crash. His eyes found Blaine and they narrowed.

"Why the fuck did you leave her alone?" He shouted, his hand moving to Blaine's throat. Before he could grab him, Kurt pulled him away. His father looked around, furious. He saw their hands entwined and let out a scream of rage. "Get your hands off my son, you filthy fag. _You're _the problem with this fucking country!"

Kurt winced, not from the cruel words, but from how tight Blaine's grip on his hand was. The people in the waiting room had fallen silent, watching the scene before them.

"I said let _go _of him! I will _not _allow my son to be friends with a dirty, stinking little scum bag like you. The boys at that gay as fuck school were bad enough-"

As if on cue, the door of the waiting room burst open once again. A horde of boys in blue blazers ran in, towards Blaine. His father was forced to the side and they all engulfed Blaine in a bear-hug. Kurt attempted to release Blaine's hand to give him some time with his old friends, but when he tried, Blaine's grip tightened around his fingers. Furious, Blaine's father turned on his heel and left the hospital. No one even noticed. Eventually, the Warblers let go of Blaine. After several disapproving looks from different doctors and nurses, they sat down.

"I'm so sorry about your mother Blaine."

"My mamma," Blaine corrected automatically. He refused to call her 'mother'. It had always been 'mamma' to him, and it always would be. "How… how did you know?" He asked, his voice hoarse.

"Someone called Kurt phoned up the office Dalton and asked to speak to the lead Warbler. He explained everything and… well, here we are. I'm guessing that's you?" One of them said, looking at Kurt. He nodded.

"You… you called them?" Once again, Kurt nodded. Blaine frowned "Why?"

"I figured they know you better than I do… And you said you were friends with the Warblers. So I just… I thought you'd want to see your old friends."

Without saying anything, Blaine stood up and wrapped his arms around Kurt. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you so much."

Kurt gave a small smile, returning the hug. "Don't worry about it."

The Warblers introduced themselves to Kurt, smiling. They seemed friendly enough, and they meant a lot to Blaine, so he responded warmly.

"So who are you?" The blonde one, Jeff, asked.

"I'm Kurt; I thought you all knew that."

"No, sorry, I meant who are you to Blaine? He was terrified about going to public school, and he wouldn't listen when we said he'd make friends…"

"I'm his friend," Kurt said and Jeff smiled.

"Good. See Blaine Warbler, I _told _you you'd make friends… even if it's just one."

"Blaine Warbler?" Kurt repeated, grinning. Blaine ignored him.

"I have more than one friend Jeff. I actually joined my school's glee club." He said. "Kurt, did you-?"

"Don't worry, I phoned them. They're on their way."

Blaine nodded. The others were watching him and Kurt closely.

"So Blaine, how different is it to the Warblers?"

"Very," he said quietly. "For a start, it isn't a cappella – we sing with instruments and stuff. It's more laid back but…"

"But what?" The one called Nick prompted.

"We aren't very popular. I had a slushie thrown at my face today, because I'm a member of the New Directions."

"What?!"

"And the teachers don't do… _anything?" _

Blaine shrugged and let Kurt answer their questions. He was thankful for what his friends were attempting to do – they were trying their best to distract him from what was going on, to take his mind of things. It was a shame it wasn't working.

About an hour after the Warblers arrived, another 'distraction' came, in the form of the New Directions. The first one to reach him was Rachel. She flung her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Blaine let out a gasp of pain, but returned her hug. The next two to hug him were Mercedes and Tina. Eventually, every member of the New Directions had their arms around him and they were all murmuring words of comfort. Blaine was unable to stop his tears; they fell from his eyes silently. Kurt took hold of Blaine's hand once again and squeezed it.

"Blaine… I'm so sorry dude," Mike said once everyone had let go of him. "I'm here if you need me, okay?"

He nodded weakly. Rachel's eyes moved to the group of boys in blazers. She let out a gasp, finally realising.

"You… You're the Dalton Academy Warblers!" It wasn't a question, but one of them, David, nodded. Rachel opened her mouth to speak, but she closed it again, catching the glowering look Kurt gave her.

"Which one of you is Blaine Anderson?" A doctor asked, approaching them. Blaine raised his hand. "Ah, your father is waiting for you in the parking lot. He says you're to go right home. He wants to spend time with you this evening – it's understandable after the death of a loved one. Come on, say goodbye to your friends."

Blaine gave Kurt a frantic look.

"He _can't _go home!" He said, standing up. "He… I won't let him go back there!"

"You have no choice," the doctor said, looking down at Kurt. "Blaine has to go home with his _father. _Rules are rules."

"You don't understand! I don't care if it's the rules!" He turned to Blaine, desperate. "You have no reason to stay there anymore. Show her."

"I… I can't…"

"What's stopping you?" He took hold of Blaine's hands, his stomach clenching when he saw them trembling. "If you speak out, you won't have to go back there. My dad's already said you can stay with us. Cooper wants you to do this as well Blaine."

"What are you two talking about?" Jeff asked, standing up. "Why doesn't Blaine want to go home?"

He looked around at him and let out a sob. He turned back to Kurt and let go of his hands. He knew, deep down, that he was right. But that wasn't going to make this easy.

"Okay," he said quietly. Blaine closed his eyes and very slowly, lifted up his shirt to reveal his bruises.


	7. You Are Not Alone

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 7: You Are Not Alone**

* * *

Everyone watching gasped – the natural colour of Blaine's skin was barely visible beneath the vivid bruising scattered across his torso. They ranged from old, slightly yellow ones, to the very recent, dark purple ones. The marks littered his stomach and his chest, but they snaked along his arms and his neck too.

After a few seconds, he dropped his shirt, unable to look the others in the face. The doctor's eyes were wide. Her jaw had dropped, but she composed herself quickly.

"Ellie," she said to a passing nurse, who stopped and turned. "Take all of these people up to my office."

"All of them?" The nurse said, raising an eyebrow, bewildered. The doctor nodded.

"Blaine, you and your friends can wait in my office; the waiting room is getting overcrowded. I have to tell my boss what you just told me, and the police will most likely be informed, okay?"

He nodded and she walked away. Kurt took his hand as the nurse led the group of people through the hospital. After a few minutes, they reached a rather large office. The nurse smiled, told them they wouldn't have to wait for very long, and left. Everyone was staring at Blaine, who was starting to feel panicky. Kurt led him to a chair and pushed him gently, making him sit. It was one of the Warblers, Nick, spoke first.

"I'm sorry Blaine."

Blaine gave a light shrug. "Don't be, none of this is your fault. You couldn't have done anything."

"Yes we could have!" he said. "Maybe not about your mother-"

"My _mamma," _He said, closing his eyes.

"Yes… Sorry Blaine, your mamma. But we could have protected you from _him. _We've always known that you and your father don't get on but this… this is an entirely different thing."

"I didn't want to be a burden," Blaine whispered.

"A burden," Nick repeated, outraged. "Blaine, you're our _friend. _You aren't some little kid that doesn't shut up about their shitty little problems. We've known you for years…"

"Nick…"

"He's right Blaine," Jeff said, his voice heavy. "You should know you can always come to us, any of us. Blaine, you're my _best friend. _I would have helped you, even if you just needed to vent, to talk about everything. I would have listened. We all would have. Don't you remember the share circle we used to do at Dalton?" Blaine gave a shaky nod. "And you know how much it helped me when I went came out."

"It wouldn't have helped," he said, but David, another Warbler, cut him off.

"Yes it would have! Blaine, how long has this been going on? How long have you been suffering in silence?"

Blaine didn't say anything. He finally looked away from them, tears blurring his vision.

"Blaine?" It wasn't a Warbler that spoke this time, but Mercedes, from the New Directions. He looked up at her, slightly surprised that she knew his name. "Blaine… you have to tell them how long it went on for. They're your friends. _We're _your friends, and we need to know." He still didn't say anything. This time, it was Jeff that spoke.

"Was… was it happening while you were at Dalton?" Blaine nodded. "…For the whole time?" Again, he nodded. Jeff's hands curled into fists and he grit his teeth.

"I'm sorry. I… I didn't want you to find out. All of this is my fault." He whispered.

They all broke out into conversation, telling him not to be so stupid and that he couldn't be blamed for any of it. Blaine's breathing quickened. He started to hyperventilate, tears falling from his eyes. His chest was tight, but he felt numb. He slipped off his chair, onto the floor, but everyone around him carried on talking. It was deafening.

"K-Kurt," he managed to gasp. "Kurt, please…"

"Shut up!" Kurt roared to the others, who instantly fell silent. "Shut the fuck up you morons! He's… Blaine, what's wrong? Talk to me Blaine," he said, kneeling beside him and taking his hands.

"My… my mamma… she's gone! I've been left with _him!"_

"I think he's having a panic attack," Nick said, crouching beside Kurt. "He used to get them all the time when he first arrived at Dalton."

Kurt just nodded. "What does he need?"

"Um... well he needs to calm down," he stammered, earning him a reproachful glare. "But that's obvious. He needs a distraction or something… anything. You could always kiss him."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "What did you used to do?"

"We sang to him…"

He nodded again. Immediately, his hands moved to Blaine's back and started rubbing a spot between his shoulder blades gently. At this, Blaine's breathing calmed slightly, but he was still panicking. So Kurt started singing.

"_Another day has gone, I'm still all alone_

_How could this be, you're not here with me_

_You never said goodbye, someone tell me why_

_Did you have to go, and leave my world so cold?"_

Blaine froze. He managed to focus his gaze, his hazel eyes meeting Kurt's blue ones. Kurt continued to sing but this time, the Warblers' voices joined his.

"_Every day I sit and ask myself how did love slip away_

_Something whispers in my ear and says_

_That you are not alone, I am here with you_

_Though you're far away, I am here to stay."_

Blaine's breathing had almost returned to normal. He was now sitting still, although his body was still trembling slightly. He shuddered when the New Directions joined in, but he didn't look at them – he only had eyes for Kurt.

"_But you are not alone, I am here with you_

_Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart_

_But you are not alone. _

_Just the other night, I thought I heard you cry_

_Asking me to come and hold you in my arms_

_I can hear your prayers, your burdens I will bear_

_But first I need your hand then forever can begin._

_Every day I sit and ask myself, how did love slip away_

_Something whispers in my ear and says_

_That you are not alone, I am here with you_

_Though you're far away, I am here to stay._

_You are not alone, I am here with you_

_Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart_

_You are not alone."_

Blaine's grip on Kurt's hands was tight. Kurt knew that it'd worked, and that his panic attack had subsided. He gave him a small smile, slightly surprised when it was returned.

"Thank you Kurt," he whispered.

Someone cleared their throat. They all looked around to see the doctor from before stood in the doorway, two policemen behind her. Judging by the looks on their faces, they'd seen what happened.

"Blaine? These officers would like to speak to you… alone."

He started shaking again, looking at Kurt, who sighed.

"You can do this," he whispered, pulling him into a gentle hug. When Blaine started to protest, he sighed. "I believe in you. Blaine, you're not alone."

With a wince, he got to his feet. "Do… Do I_ have _to do this on my own?" The doctor nodded. Blaine only hesitated for a fraction of a second. Then, he sighed, said goodbye to the others, and followed the three adults from the room.

Kurt watched him go sadly. He got up from the floor and sat on top of the desk, a frown on his face. It wasn't fair that Blaine had to be alone. Deep down, Kurt knew that this would help him, but it didn't make things any easier.

The atmosphere in the room was tense, and slightly awkward.

"Okay, let's just do this now," Rachel said, turning to the boys of Dalton. "You may as well accept the fact we're going to beat you at regionals."

"Rachel, you're doing this _now?" _Artie asked, throwing her a furious glance.

"Yes, I am! They need to accept it. They've just heard us sing, so they know they don't have a chance in hell of winning against us, I-"

"Berry, do everyone a favour and shut up," Kurt hissed.

"I just-"

"Blaine just had a panic attack because his mother _committed suicide. _He's just revealed to you all that his own father has been beating the shit out of him for fuck knows how long, and now he has to give a statement or whatever to the police. Yet you want to talk about _regionals?!"_

"Kurt, we need to-"

"Shut the fuck up!" His voice was so full of venom, she flinched. Rachel bowed her head and mumbled an apology. Santana gave him an impressed smirk. Not many people could silence Rachel Berry when it came to singing.

* * *

"You have to understand that none of this is your fault."

Blaine gave a bitter laugh, turning his back on the police officer. They were alone in another , slightly smaller office. Her partner was stood outside the door and the doctor had obviously returned to work.

"You don't get it, do you? He does this because I think I'm gay. If I wasn't, we'd be a normal, happy family."

"It's no excuse for him to do this."

"You don't know for certain that he has though, do you?" He snapped.

"Actually, we do."

This surprised Blaine. "What do you mean?"

"He confessed. The bastard must have realised what was going on when we asked to talk to him and he confessed everything."

"So… what's going to happen?"

"You'll have to give a written statement. And we'll conduct an interview that will be recorded, and shown in court as evidence."

"I won't have to go to court?" The police officer shook her head. "Why?"

"You're a minor, and if we think it's a danger to your mental health, you can give your statement on a recording."

"My mental health – what, so you think I'm some sort of nut job now?"

She sighed. "Blaine, do you _want _to have to give your statement in court?" He stopped, and then shook his head. "Exactly – you'll be in a room next to the courtroom, watching everything from the cameras. We have to do this a lot."

"Really?" He asked, surprised. The policewoman nodded.

"Oh yeah – you'd be surprised. I'm not allowed to discuss them in detail, but there are a lot of cases similar to yours. The victim has to be in a different room because of the emotional trauma. I know what you're going to say," she said when Blaine opened his mouth to speak. "Believe me, I do – I hear it all the time. You can handle, it, you're a strong person, whatever. But Blaine, the amount of times I've heard people say that, yet when they stand up to testify, they break down… The whole case just collapses. I would hate for that to happen." Blaine just nodded. "And in any case, I think your friend, Kurt, would storm into the courtroom and snap the judge's neck if you had to be in the same room as your father."

Blaine laughed at this – it wasn't bitter like before, but genuine… real. She gave him a kind smile and patted his shoulder.

Once Blaine had written his statement and their interview had been recorded, she told him he could go. When he hesitated, she sighed – he was obviously shaken up from having to re-live everything that had happened over the years.

"Hey, Blaine… Look at me. I know it hurts, okay? _Believe _me, I do. I know what you're thinking, I don't understand. You're wrong. Why do you think I joined the force? Actually, don't answer that." She stopped and took a piece of paper and a pen from her pocket, writing down a phone number quickly. "This is the number for my personal cell phone, okay? If you need to talk, just ring me. I'll be happy to listen."

"Thank you," he managed to gasp.

"Don't mention it… Seriously, don't."

He smiled and walked back to the other office, where he knew his friends would be. He was surprised, however, to see that they had gone. The only people inside were Kurt, his father, Finn Hudson, and a woman he didn't know.

"You must be Blaine!" The woman said, instantly pulling him into a hug. He froze, his eyes wide.

"Mom, get off him," Finn said, pulling her away gently. "Sorry Blaine… This is my mom, Carole."

"Um… hello," he said awkwardly. He raised an eyebrow at Kurt, who rolled his eyes.

"Carole and my dad are dating," he said. "They have been for a while, and now they've decided to move in together."

"Oh… um, congratulations…" he said a little uneasily. Burt gave him a small smile and nodded his thanks, but Carole beamed.

"Bless your soul," she said, an arm around his shoulders. "Burt told me about your awful situation. I hope you don't mind?" Blaine shook his head to reassure her he didn't. "Well… it's all moving fast, I know. But when Burt told me you'd be living with him, I thought he'd need some help – three teenage boys in one house, goodness me!"

"Th-three?" Blaine repeated. She nodded.

"I'll be there too dude," Finn said from behind his mother. "It'll take me a while to get used to as well, don't worry."

He could only nod. "You… you don't have to let me stay with you. I can find an aunt, or something to stay with."

"Listen kiddo," Burt said, stepping forwards, "I told you, you're welcome to stay with us for as long as you need. Kurt seems to trust you, which means I do too, okay? If you're good enough for Kurt, you're good enough for me."

Blaine just nodded again. He was so overwhelmed, and had no idea what to say.

"We're going to head off, okay?" Carole said. "I'll leave you to join us… You can get your things from your house now if you want, I'm sure Kurt won't mind helping you with it-"

"Of course not," he said. They said goodbye to Burt, Carole and Finn.

"Thank you," Blaine said quietly.

"If you thank me one more time, for anything, I'm going to punch you in the face. Hard."

He laughed. Their faces were unbelievably close. Kurt only hesitated for a few seconds. He took Blaine's face in his hands and pressed their lips together. Blaine froze, but responded almost immediately. The kiss only lasted for a few seconds, and when Kurt pulled away, Blaine was grinning.

"Kurt…" He said in a soft voice.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

* * *

**A/N: Aaaaaand it's the long-awaited kiss!**

**The song in this is Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone.**

**Hopefully the next chapter will be uploaded soon - I know what I want to do for it, so it should be okay!**


	8. Not So Brave Now, Are You?

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 8: Not So Brave Now, Are You?**

* * *

Kurt rolled his eyes, making Blaine laugh.

"And you _had _to say thank you," he grumbled. "You're such a geek Blaine."

"Hey, I find the word geek offensive. I prefer the term socially awkward with genius-level intellect."  
"Shut up. Come on, we gotta get all your stuff."

"You really want to go there?" Blaine asked nervously. Kurt took hold of his hand and gave a sympathetic smile.

"It's best to get it over with, right? Otherwise you'll just keep dreading it. Come on."

Kurt led Blaine out of the office, though the hospital and into the parking lot. The sky was black – they'd been at the hospital for hours.

"Kurt, what time is it?"

He glanced at his watch. "Eleven."

"What?" He yelped. "When did it get so late?"

"Blaine, we've been in there _forever. _Come on, we'll get your stuff, go back to mine… or ours," he blushed slightly as he said it. "And go bed okay. You must be exhausted."

Blaine shrugged, and got into the passenger seat of Kurt's car. Kurt climbed in beside him and started the engine. The journey passed in silence and by the time they arrived at Blaine's apartment, they were both feeling tense. Only a few hours ago, they'd found Blaine's mother here.

"Do you want me to go in?" Kurt asked, but Blaine shook his head. They got out of the car, and went into the now-empty apartment. Blaine threw a large duffle bag at Kurt.

"What do you want me to pack?"

"All my clothes, shoes, bowties, all of it… I'm going to sort all of the other things."

Kurt nodded and opened Blaine's wardrobe. He began folding his clothes neatly and putting them into the bag. Blaine moved to his desk and began sorting his things. He picked up another duffle bag, and put a photo album, several photo frames, and other things inside.

"You keep a diary?" Kurt asked in disbelief, staring at the small book in his hands. Blaine nodded. "So do I… it helps." Again, he nodded, but didn't say anything.

For the next half hour, they were silent, occasionally exchanging a comment. Kurt knew Blaine was in pain – in his opinion, he was brave to come back in here. Blaine looked around his bedroom, a sigh escaping his lips.

"You okay?" Kurt asked quietly. He nodded and turned to him, allowing himself to be embraced. Kurt kissed him, gently at first. A small sigh escaped his lips when Blaine pulled back.

"I'm sorry Kurt…"

"Hey, no, it's fine. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you." Blaine shook his head, but Kurt ignored him. "Stop it, you moron. I'm sorry, you aren't even sure if you're gay. I have no right to kiss you."

Blaine opened his mouth to speak, but froze. There was an almighty crash as the front door of the apartment was thrown open. Whoever it was stumbled slightly and swore loudly in a deep voice. The hairs on the back of Blaine's neck stood up and he shrank back against the wall. Kurt looked at him, frowning, but Blaine just shook his head, putting a finger to his lips. The man stumbled again and the bedroom door was thrown open. Andrew Anderson was drunk, there was no denying it. As soon as he entered the room, the smell of alcohol overwhelmed them. It took a while, but Blaine's father managed to focus his eyes. He let out a roar of rage and swung his arm. Kurt was thrown backwards, into Blaine's mirror. The glass shattered from his weight. Blaine's father kicked Kurt in the stomach as hard as he could and then turned to Blaine. He pinned him up against the wall by his throat. Blaine gasped for air, trying to pry his father's fingers off him. After some punches to his body, he shoved Blaine to the floor. His face smacked against the wood, and his father's foot kicked him in the middle of the back. He heard Kurt yell, but his father threw him across the room once more. Blaine's father turned back to his son and kicked out again, his foot connecting violently with his ribcage. Several brutal kicks later, he was hauled to his feet and pinned against the wall once again.

"Not so brave now, are you!" He bellowed. "Run to the fucking police about me will you, you little shit?"

Blaine twisted hard to try and free himself, but the air was knocked out from his lungs. His breath was swallowed back down as he choked for air. His father's fist slammed into his body again. Pain seared through him like fire. With every vicious punch and kick, he cried out, again and again. Every nerve in his body was screaming. He heard Kurt shouting too, but he couldn't figure out why.

Then, after what seemed like an age, his father's heavy body was thrown off him. Blaine sank to the floor, struggling to breathe. He felt Kurt's arms around him, heard his voice whisper comforting words. But nothing seemed to be going in. The only thing he knew was pain; it was ripping through his body and he felt like asking to die. But he knew it would never be allowed.

"Come on Blaine, let's get you home."

"Doesn't he need the hospital?" He heard someone say to Kurt.

"No. What he needs is somewhere warm and comfortable. I'll take him tomorrow if he needs it, okay? Please, just let me get him home."

Someone agreed and Kurt pulled Blaine to his feet as carefully as he could. He let out a cry of pain, despite the other boy's efforts. He heard Kurt apologise several times. He managed to focus his eyes on the scene around him – Kurt was supporting his body. His father was unconscious on the floor, and several of Blaine's neighbours were in the bedroom. Kurt led him out of the apartment, the duffle bags on his shoulders. He threw them in the back seat of his car and then helped Blaine inside.

"W-What happened?" He asked as Kurt started the engine. "Why did it stop?"

"When I realised I couldn't get your dad off you, I started screaming for help. Some of your neighbours came running. One of them picked up your lamp and hit your dad on the head… Blaine, are you okay? Oh shit… I'm sorry, that's such a stupid fucking question."

"I'm fine Kurt," he mumbled, closing his eyes. "I'm okay."

Kurt watched Blaine close his eyes and swore. He drove quickly, determined to get home now. He'd had enough drama to last him a fucking life time. When he pulled up in front of his house, he could see his dad and Carole stood in the doorway, waiting for them to return. They knew something was wrong the second Kurt stepped out of the car. He was wincing as he walked.

"Kurt, what happened? Are you alright? I-"

He held up a hand to silence him. He limped to the passenger side and opened the door, picking Blaine up in his arms. It was a good thing he was so small. "He's hurt," he whispered. "I'll explain in a minute, just let me get him inside."

They nodded and followed him over the threshold. Kurt went down the stairs to his basement bedroom and tucked Blaine into the sheets. He brushed some of his curls out of his face gently and went back up the stairs. He went outside to his car, grabbed all of Blaine's bags, and put them all at the foot of the staircase. Burt and Carole were watching him closely.

"Kurt, what happened?" Carole asked him.

He sighed and sat down on the sofa. "We were packing all of Blaine's stuff when the front door opened. The bedroom door was shut, so Blaine just told me to be quiet. His dad came in. He threw me across the room-"

"He did what?!"

"And then attacked Blaine," Kurt continued, acting as though he hadn't heard Burt's interruption. "It was horrible. I tried to get him off him, but he was so strong. So I ended up calling for help, and one of Blaine's neighbours knocked him out with a lamp."

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…" Carole kept saying under her breath. Burt wrapped his arms around her to comfort her.

"Are you okay buddy?" He asked Kurt gently. When he nodded, he gave a small smile. "Good. I know you're tough, but take the day off tomorrow, okay? You _and _Blaine – you're gonna need more than the weekend to recover. I'm sure the school will understand. We've set the spare bedroom up for Blaine."

"I'm not going to wake him now, he's exhausted. I'll just sleep on the sofa downstairs or something."

Burt looked hesitant, but he knew how stubborn his son was. He nodded and Kurt went back down the stairs. He changed quickly and grabbed a pillow and a blanket, setting up his bed on the sofa. He didn't feel much like sleeping though. Kurt lay awake for hours, not knowing what to do. His head was ready to burst. He cared about Blaine, there was no denying that. But did he want to _be _with him? Sure, he'd never felt this way about someone before, but it was just lust, wasn't it? Eventually, he told himself no, it wasn't. He'd been with plenty of guys, had plenty of one-night stands to know that it wasn't simply _desire_. He was falling for Blaine. He hadn't even known him a week and he was already falling for the bastard. Kurt sighed. Neither of them were ready for anything yet – he wasn't even sure why he kissed him. But Blaine had kissed him back… and it had been wonderful. His lips were soft. Kurt's stomach fluttered just thinking about it. Holy shit, he was falling for him.

Just as his eyes started to droop, Blaine started screaming.

* * *

**A/N: Please don't hate me! I know this chapter is a lot shorter than all of the others. It ties in with the next chapter, but it would have been too long as one, hence why I decided to split it in half.**

**Thanks for the reviews and everything, it means so much to me!**


	9. Nightmares

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 9: Nightmares**

* * *

Kurt sat upright. He threw his duvet off of him and moved to stand beside the bed, panicking. Blaine was still screaming, thrashing around on the mattress.

"No, no, no, no! Leave me _alone! _I'm sorry! Please, just leave me alone!"

"Blaine, wake up! You're safe!"

"Don't hurt me! Get away, I'm sorry. I'll change, I promise!"

"Blaine!" Kurt's voice had risen to a shout now, but Blaine was too deeply asleep.

"No, _no! _Mamma, come back to me! Please don't leave me mamma, I can't deal with this on my own. I love you, please mamma!"

He gave him a shake. Blaine woke up and, on instinct, jumped away from Kurt's arms, tears streaming down his face. Kurt let out a sigh and wrapped his arms around the other boy.

"I… I'm sorry," Blaine mumbled, allowing himself to relax into the embrace. "They've never been that bad before."

"It's okay Blaine. I promise you. I'm here. Do you want to talk about it?"

Blaine was silent, but then gave a shaky nod. "It seemed so real. It was a memory, from last month." Kurt remained quiet, knowing not to interrupt. "My dad caught me shopping with Jeff. He knows that Jeff is gay and assumed we were together. He threw me into our basement, took his belt off and… he beat the shit out of me. Then he locked me in there for the night. It… it was so cold Kurt. I thought I was going to _die_."

"It's okay," Kurt said again. "You never have to see him again. You're not going to die; you're here, in my bedroom, safe."

"Then the d-dream changed. I was still in the b-basement, but I was surrounded by blood. Then, oh Kurt, it was horrible... I looked around and I saw my mamma lying there, just like we found her. Kurt, I loved her. I still do. And she's gone. I know she was suffering b-b-but I _need_ her."

"Blaine, calm down. I know how you feel, okay? She's in a better place now, I promise you. The pain is never going to go away. I know me saying this won't make you feel better, but I'll never lie to you. It does get easier though. You learn to remember the good things about the person you lost. Your mamma loved you, Blaine. She loved you a lot – she wouldn't have stayed for so long if she didn't. But she couldn't talk to anyone like you can, so she did what she thought was best. Blaine, listen to me!" He said, because Blaine had let out a howl. "She's in a _better place. _She's up there with my mother, and they're looking at us. They're telling us how silly we are because we still get upset. They're laughing with each other, cooking, doing things they love to do. They're together, and they're keeping watch over us okay? Your mamma would be _proud _because you're such a brave person."

Blaine could only nod. He knew Kurt had lost his mother, but that had been an accident. Blaine's mother had ended her own life – she'd abandoned him, when he needed her.

Kurt curled into the bed with Blaine, his arms wrapping around him protectively. It was only when he heard him snoring softly, that Blaine got out of bed, being careful not to disturb Kurt. A glance at the clock told him it was four in the morning. There was no point in going back to sleep, and at any rate, he wasn't sure he'd be able to.

Blaine pulled on a jumper, shivering lightly. He looked around, wondering how the hell to get out of Kurt's bedroom. His heart stopped – this was a _basement _bedroom. His hands clenched into fists. He opened the door silently, and sprinted up the stairs, a sigh of relief escaping his lips when he reached the landing. He saw his duffle bags at the foot of the stairs that led to the upper landing and smiled. He opened several of them before finding the one he wanted. Within a few minutes, he had the small, square razor in his hands. His legs seemed to move of their own accord, trying to find a bathroom. He was thankful there was one just off to the side of the living room – the last thing he wanted to do was search upstairs for one. He locked the door behind him and took a deep breath. He looked in the mirror over the sink and pulled a disgusted face. The bruise from the day before was bad, but there were new ones on his cheeks and across his neck. He didn't even want to look at his torso, knowing he'd be revolted.

Blaine took another deep breath, looking down at the blade in his hands. It had been a _long _time since he'd even thought about doing this. Before he could change his mind, Blaine rolled the sleeves of his jumper up. He took the razor and cut into his wrist, breathing out a small sigh. The blood dripped into the sink silently. Relief swept through him. It felt good, being able to control _something _in his life. Blaine dragged the blade across his wrist several more times, cutting deeper with each one. He sank to the floor, his back against the door.

Blaine wasn't sure how long he sat there, but eventually he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He stood up and washed the blood from the sink quickly. He pulled the sleeves of his jumper down and hid the razor blade in his hand, unlocking the door. He came face to face with Carole. She gave a small squeak of surprise, but gave him a warm smile.

"I didn't expect you to be up Blaine," she said, stepping to the side so he could pass.

"I had a nightmare," he said quietly. "But I'm okay now."

"Good, good. Burt told me to tell you that you and Kurt are staying home from school today. Go back to bed," she said kindly. "You look exhausted."

Blaine nodded and went back down the stairs to the basement. His stomach clenched, but he knew he'd have to put up with it. He couldn't tell them that he was afraid of a _basement._

"Where did you go?" Kurt asked when he walked in. He was sitting up in bed, looking worried.

"I… I needed to go toilet."

"Blaine, I have an en-suite. Why did you go upstairs?"

He sighed. "Fine, I needed to get out of the basement. It reminded me of my nightmare so I just stretched my legs. I didn't go anywhere except the bathroom upstairs though, I promise."

Kurt rolled his eyes and opened his arms wide, inviting him in. Blaine did so without a second thought – Kurt's arms were his comfort.

"Um… the woman your dad's dating… I don't remember her name, told me that we aren't going school today."

"She's called Carole," Kurt said quietly, leaning back on the bed, relaxed. "And I know. Dad told me last night… or rather this morning. Come on Blaine, go back to sleep."

Blaine shook his head. "I… I don't want to. I'm scared to."

Kurt sighed, but understood. "Okay. So it's…" he looked at the clock beside them, "half six in the morning. What do you want to do?"

Blaine was silent. He knew what he'd _like _to do, but… He glanced up at Kurt, who was watching him curiously. Then, before he could talk himself out of it, he kissed him. He could tell Kurt was surprised, but he responded. Their lips moved perfectly together. Kurt's lips were soft and warm, his grip on Blaine's body strong. Eventually, they pulled away. Kurt raised an eyebrow at Blaine.

"Well Mr Anderson _that _was certainly a nice thing to wake up to."

Blaine smiled. "I'll agree with you on that," he whispered before moving to kiss him again. The kiss was more passionate this time – Kurt moved his lips from Blaine's, dragging them slowly along his jaw.

"_Kurt," _he moaned quietly. Kurt gave a wicked grin and moved his lips to Blaine's neck.

Blaine could feel heat washing over him. _Damn Kurt Hummel and his mesmerizing lips._

"Do you want to take your jumper off?" Kurt asked him in a whisper. "You're burning up here." He was about to agree but remembered his arms, his stomach tying itself in a knot. He sat up quickly, causing Kurt to topple to the side. "B-Blaine?"

Blaine just shook his head. He took a few deep breaths in a bid to calm himself. "I'm sorry… I just panicked. I've never kissed anyone before… and you're just so…"

"It's okay," Kurt said, taking Blaine's hands. "Did I make you uncomfortable?"

Blaine shook his head and Kurt looked relieved. They began kissing once again and, somehow, Kurt ended up lying on Blaine. He shifted, and the majority of his weight was thrown onto Blaine's arms. He let out a gasp and flinched at the burn it caused. Kurt frowned. Blaine squirmed, trying to get him off, but Kurt pinned him down.

"I'll give you one chance to tell me what you're hiding."

"It's nothing Kurt, honestly…"

"_Blaine!"_

"Kurt, just leave it!"

Kurt was surprised that Blaine was shouting. He bit his lip, his voice turning soft.

"Please Blaine… You know I'll find out anyway."

Blaine let out a sob. "I'm sorry Kurt, I can't. You'll be so angry. Please, don't."

Kurt sighed and grabbed Blaine's arm, pulling the sleeve of the jumper up carefully. He let out a horrified gasp and jumped off the bed.

"Blaine, what the_ fuck_ were you thinking?!"

"I'm sorry! I… I've only done it once before, but… before I met you, I thought about doing it again. My mamma would manage to talk me out of it… But now she's gone and I just _needed _the release. I'm so sorry Kurt!"

"Blaine… Please, promise me you won't _ever _do it again?" Blaine was silent. "For fuck sake Blaine, promise me! I _can't _deal with you hurting yourself."

"Okay," he said in a quiet voice. "I'll try Kurt… But losing my mamma… It's hard."

"I know it is. And I'm going to help you, I promise. Where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"Blaine Anderson, don't you _dare _play dumb with me. Give me whatever you used to do… this."

With a sigh, he took the blade from his pocket and gave it to Kurt, who put it on the bedside table.

"Don't you ever do it again, you hear me?" He nodded. "I know it'll be hard honey, but I'm going to be with you every step of the way." Blaine couldn't help but smile at the endearment. Kurt noticed this and gave him a gentle kiss. "Go back to sleep. I'm going to have a shower, and then bring some food down for when you wake up."

Blaine nodded again and settled back under the covers. Kurt kissed his forehead and stood up. Blaine was asleep in seconds. With one last glance at him, he picked up the razor blade and threw it in the bin. Then he went into his bathroom, stripped and hopped into the shower. The flow of hot water gave him the opportunity to let his guard down, the chance to think. He hadn't even known Blaine for a week, and he was head over heels for him. He knew it was bad… but Blaine had kissed _him. _Did that mean there was something there? He sighed. Kurt didn't date. He didn't let himself get close to _anyone_, in case they were taken from him, like his mother had been. He was too afraid.

After about half an hour, he shut the water off and got out, wrapping a towel around his waist. When he re-entered the bedroom, he smiled at Blaine, who was snoring gently. He rummaged in his wardrobe and picked out some clothes – there was no point in 'dressing up' so he put on a pair of sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt. When he got upstairs, he saw a note from his dad, telling him that Finn was still going school and to help himself to food. He sighed and set about making breakfast for him and Blaine.

_Blaine tried to look around, but it was dark. He couldn't see any further than a few inches in front of his nose and even then, that was a struggle. He squinted, but it didn't make a difference. He shivered – the cold was pressing on him from all directions. Where the hell was he?_

_Suddenly, the room was filled with light. Blaine was temporarily blinded. He blinked a few times, waiting for his eyes to adjust. There were heavy footsteps, and he was hauled to his feet roughly._

"_Come on faggot; look at what I've got for you!"_

_He shuddered at his father's voice and tried, in vain, to escape his grasp. It did nothing but earn him a brutal punch. Blaine walked for what seemed like forever. He didn't recognise where he was, and there weren't any windows. For all he knew, he could be miles and miles underground. _

_His father suddenly stopped walking and pointed to a space in front of them. When Blaine didn't move, he gave him a hard shove. He stumbled forwards and let out a horrified scream. Lying in front of him, covered in blood, were two bodies. One was his mamma, her wrists slashed open. Beside her, the one that he couldn't seem to tear his eyes from, was a boy. Blaine guessed that he had been beautiful while he was alive. He still was in death. His hair was a light brown and his eyes, staring blankly to the heavens, were a shocking shade of blue. He dropped to his knees in front of the boy, unable to stop his tears. Why did he care so much? His mamma was lying dead behind him, yet he was drawn to this stranger._

_Then it hit him. It wasn't a stranger._

_**Kurt.**_

"_No!" He screamed, his hands flying to Kurt's face, caressing it tenderly. "No, Kurt! Baby, wake up!"_

"Blaine!"

"_No, Kurt! No, please no."_

"Blaine, baby you're okay! Just wake up!"

"_No, he can't be dead. Kurt, please wake up. Please, I can't do this without you. Please, please, please, wake up!"_

"For fuck sake Blaine, wake up! I'm here, I'm right here."

Blaine's eyes flew open. He felt arms around him and screamed, lashing out. Whoever it was flew off him. He heard the tiny gasp of pain and remembered where he was.

"Kurt!" He said, sitting up. "Shit, I'm sorry."

Kurt just shook his head, holding his bleeding nose. He grabbed a tissue from the box on the table and held it up to his nose to stop the blood flow.

"I'm fine Blaine. Jesus fucking Christ, you can throw a punch. You should start boxing." When Blaine still looked horrified, he rolled his eyes. "Forget it Blaine, it's just a bit of blood."

He bit his lip and took a moment to take in the scene. Kurt was shirtless… something that he found distracting. He blinked and looked around the room, trying to avoid staring at his muscles. Kurt caught on, despite Blaine's efforts.

"Oh shit, sorry. I'll put my jumper back on." He reached on the floor and pulled a sweat-top over his head, still managing to use a hand to stop the blood coming from his nose. "There, all done. I got really hot when making the pancakes so I took it off."

"It's… It's fine."

"Are you okay Blaine? You… you had another nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?"

Blaine shook his head, but he still ended up telling Kurt what he'd seen. Kurt sighed and moved to put his arms around him, then stopped.

"I'll only hug you if you promise not to punch me again," he said, grinning. "It hurt like a bitch." Blaine blushed and moved into Kurt's open arms, relaxing. "I've got something to tell you." He said after a while.

"What? You aren't going to tell me you're pregnant, are you?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Nice to see you still have that smart mouth, Anderson." He said, laughing. "No, Finn rang me. The New Directions want to come round after school."

"Oh."

"Yeah… he text my dad, and he said it was fine. He even said everyone can sleep around tonight." Blaine frowned and Kurt read his mind. "Yes, everyone – my room's definitely big enough. But they all seem to like you, and they want to help you… it's your choice though, I can still tell Finn the answer's no."

Blaine nodded. "Can I ask you a favour though?"

He smirked. "It depends. I'm not letting you be the godfather to my baby, not when you've insulted it."

Blaine smiled back, biting his lip. "Actually, I was going to ask if the Warblers can come round too… Not to sleep, obviously but… I don't know. I need them right now."

"Of course they can Blaine, they're your friends. I don't mind them sleeping either – they were all really, really nice at the hospital. My dad won't mind – he's working all day tomorrow and Carole will love an excuse to cook."

"Thank you," Blaine whispered. Then, he frowned, remembering something. "Kurt, you never told me your dad was dating Finn's mother."

He shrugged. "I didn't realise they were so serious… Blaine, can I ask you something?" Blaine nodded. "What would you say _we _are?"

His heart skipped a beat. "We're… we're whatever you want us to be… I remember someone saying you don't date…"

"I don't. I have this, er… fear… of getting close to people, because I'm terrified they'll be taken away… But you're different. I can't help it."

"I never thought I'd see the day…"

"What?" Kurt asked, frowning.

"Kurt Hummel, actually admitting he's terrified of something." Kurt attacked him with his pillow. "Okay, ow, I'm sorry!"

"Good! You know I can kick your ass… Now Blaine, answer my question? Do you… do you _want _to be my boyfriend?"

"Yes," Blaine said without hesitation. He surprised himself, as well as Kurt. Well, he was definitely gay then. Kurt grinned and brought his lips down to meet Blaine's gently.

After a while, Blaine dragged himself out of bed. He looked at the clock, slightly surprised to see it was well past noon.

"Where are you going?" Kurt whined.

"For a shower, I want to be clean for tonight."

"Good point, you are _stinking_ Blaine."

This time, it was Blaine who attacked Kurt with a pillow. Kurt laughed and gave him a light shove towards the bathroom.

"Oh god, the smell – I can't take it!" He exclaimed dramatically.

"And you said _I _was the dork Kurt."

"Blaine Anderson, you're the fucking dorkiest dork going. Me? I'm a badass. Oh, you're dating a badboy!"

Blaine smiled to himself. "Yes, I am."

* * *

**A/N: Oh look, I never do an author's note at the top and bottom! Just wanted to say, the next chapter will focus on the sleepover that's been planned. There's going to be some major healing for Blaine... _and _some other characters. **


	10. Full Disclosure

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **Additional warnings for this chapter; it contains talks of eating disorders, self harm, suicide, insecurities, and swearing. I just felt the need to mention that.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Full Disclosure**

* * *

To say Kurt's bedroom was overcrowded would be an understatement. The floor had disappeared under the mass of sleeping bags, pillows and duvets. Kurt's bed had been pushed against the wall, and his mattress was on the floor amongst the chaos. The room was filled with people – there were eighteen of them altogether, including Kurt and Blaine. Burt had ordered several pizzas for them all to share and, as expected with a group of teenagers, there were some disagreements.

"Hey, I said _I _was going to have the last slice of that!"

"Too bad Warbler; you snooze, you lose!" Puck said, winking at Nick.

"Brittany, your water bottle is leaking on me!"

"Maybe it needs to pee," replied Brittany with a sigh. "Even bottles need to pee Mercedes."

"Rachel, shut up about regionals, please. We're all here for Blaine and you're going to have to accept that the Warblers are here as well."

"I can't, they're our competition."

"You do realise that no one is bothered about us being here except for you?" Jeff said quietly, not looking up from braiding Quinn's hair.

"Yeah," said Quinn. "I even trust a Warbler with my hair, it's so s_cary."_

"There's no need for sarcasm," Rachel sniffed. "I just don't think that it's good that we're doing this so close to the competition. It's in a month!"

"Rachel," Kurt said quietly. "Please shut up about regionals, just for tonight."

She rolled her eyes, but didn't say any more on the subject.

Once everyone had finished eating, Kurt stacked all the boxes in the corner of the room, Finn watching him closely.

"Now what are we going to do?" He asked. "I thought we were going to eat all night."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "You're such a pig Finn Hudson. Honestly, you eat like a horse."

"I'm a growing boy," he said laughing.

"Oh my god, don't grow anymore," said Blaine from his seat beside Brittany. "It hurts my neck just to talk to you."

"That's because you're a Hobbit," said Thad, throwing a pillow at Blaine. He caught it before it hit him and threw it back.

"Shut up! Don't get them started with that!"

"Well you are pretty short," Santana said. "So I guess you _are _a Hobbit."

"Great, thanks a lot Thad."

"I don't think he's a Hobbit," Brittany said, frowning. "I think he's a dolphin."

"I… I'm a what?" Blaine asked, frowning.

"A dolphin," she repeated. "Well, everyone knows dolphins are just gay sharks, right? And you haven't been able to keep your eyes off Kurt all night. So I'd say you're a dolphin."

Blaine flushed. There was a few seconds of awkward silence. Then he nodded.

"You're a dolphin?" Mercedes repeated, jaw dropping. "I mean, you're gay?" Again, he nodded. "And you're with Kurt? Aw, boo!"

"Boo?" Blaine repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, you're my boo now, okay?" She said, moving next to him. "I'm happy for you. Kurt, you'd better treat him right."

"Oh, he'll treat him right – into the mattress that is," Puck said without looking up. Kurt rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at his face. "Sorry, sorry!"

"Kurt, can I talk to you?" Jeff said before he could hit Puck again. He frowned, but nodded and they moved into a corner, talking in hushed voices. No one really paid them much attention except Blaine. He watched as his boyfriend's face darkened. Whatever Jeff was saying, Kurt didn't like it. Eventually though, he nodded and walked back over to the group. Kurt sat behind Blaine and slipped his arms around his waist.

"I need to ask you something, and it's personal… Is that okay?" Blaine nodded warily. "Jeff told me about the 'full disclosure circles' you used to do at Dalton and he thinks it'll help you now. I know you've never spoken about everything you've been through before," he said when Blaine opened his mouth to speak. "But he thinks this will help. I do as well, if I'm going to be honest. You need to remember that you're with friends. I won't force you to do it if you don't want to, but the offer's there."

"What about everyone else?"

"I think they'll do it. I'm going to as well."

"Kurt…" Blaine began, sitting up. "You don't have to do this-"

"I know I don't, but I want to. There's a lot you don't know about me, Blaine. I think it's about time I got it out in the open."

He just nodded, knowing he couldn't convince him otherwise. Kurt shouted at everyone to be quiet and nodded at Jeff, who stood up and explained what his idea was.

"Wait, wait, wait… you want us to share every shitty thing that's happened to us, with everyone here?" Jeff nodded. "Why? Doesn't that seem, I don't know, personal?" Puck said angrily.

"Of course it's personal," David said from beside Thad. "But it helps build trust. We did it whenever someone needed help at Dalton. It's what friends are for – it's how we helped each other. You're going to feel really vulnerable, believe me, and it _hurts. _But it's better in the long run. My advice is to grab something cosy and get comfortable."

"It helped me when my brother… well, you'll find out."

"I think it's a good idea," said Mike. "I mean, everyone has secrets, right? Well, we can get help. I'll go first if you want?"

There was a murmur of agreement and everyone moved to sit in a circle. Kurt sat beside Blaine and wrapped a blanket around them both. Blaine snuggled into Kurt's chest. He tried to remain calm, but he was dreading what was to come.

"Hey guys," Mike said with a nervous smile. "Now, I _think _you all know me… but I haven't spoken to all of the Warblers yet – I'm Mike Chang. I'm a senior at McKinley, and I really want to be a dancer. I've been told I'm good at it-"

"Good? Mike, are you kidding me? You're amazing!"

He blushed slightly at Tina's words but grinned. "Um… well my dad doesn't think that it's good enough. He wants me to be a doctor. I got an A minus on one of my tests and he was so disappointed at me. I… I can't follow my dreams because of my dad."

"You should still be able to follow your dreams," Thad said quietly. "Don't let your dad stop you from doing what you do best."

Mike gave an appreciative smile, signalling that he was finished. It was Jeff that spoke next.

"So… I've always known I was gay; it was never a question for me. But I never told anyone – I even slept with girls so I looked straight. It haunted me, because I knew there were homophobic people in the world. I'll be honest, that _terrified _me. So I hid it, and pretty well if I say so myself. When I started at Dalton, I was so afraid – I thought everyone would hate me. But then I met a few gay guys and they were so lovely. So, of course, I began to think about coming out. It was so fucking scary, I tell you. The first person I actually told was Blaine," he gave his best friend a warm smile, which was returned. "And even then, that was frightening. I kept thinking that he'd reject me, that he wouldn't want to be my friend, in case I turned him or something. But he was so supportive. I was so happy that he didn't care – he said I was stupid for not telling him sooner and for being afraid, because he was always going to love me. He said I was his brother and the Warblers were his family, which we are. So, after Blaine, I came out to the other guys, and they took it just as cool as Blaine. I still didn't say anything to my family though."

"Why not, dude?" Sam Evans asked his eyes wide.

"I was afraid. You've all seen the shit on TV about 'gay conversion camps'. There was no _way _I was going there, so I hid it and I stayed at Dalton. I only came out to my family last year, and I barely realised I did it. I was home for Christmas and my dad was in a rant about some small-time actor who had been found with gay porn on his computer. But he was saying that it wasn't a big deal and if the guy wanted to be gay, then why the fuck shouldn't he. I barely realised what I was hearing. I literally blurted it out. And then he laughed. At first, I thought he was laughing at how pathetic I was. Then he said to me that I was stupid for not telling him earlier. He was laughing from relief – he'd seen how stressed I was from living a lie. To be honest, I think he was glad I wasn't doing drugs or in a gang or something." Jeff shrugged. "My parents are cool with me being gay. My granddad hasn't spoken to me since, but it doesn't matter; I didn't really know him."

He fell silent. No one seemed to want to go next. Eventually, Santana spoke.

"Hell, everyone here knows what I'm like. I'm mad for Brittany, and I've shown it."

"Yeah you have!" Brittany said, smiling. "Like last night, she-"

"Britt, I don't think they want to know about our sex lives! Anyway," she said quickly. "I'm not going to talk to you about being gay. Everyone at McKinley knows about it, and I don't think it's important, not compared to what I will share. I hated my figure. I still do."

"But you're so… confident," Nick said, frowning.

"I know that – it's called putting on a mask. I did some seriously stupid shit when I was younger. I got bullied and teased a lot in middle school because I was chubby. I was never fat, but it would have been easier if I was. People would bully me no matter what I did – eat or not eat. I got called so many names, and it hurt. It actually damaged me. They used to throw cakes and candy at me, and they'd tell me to get fatter so they could roll me down the hallways. I got so fed up with being bullied. I knew deep down I could change it, but I wasn't sure how. Anyway, one day, I was sat in the cafeteria. A boy was flirting with me, and he was cute. I felt flattered – no one had ever complimented me before, yet here he was. Anyway, the bullies ran up behind me and threw rotting meat over me. The boy laughed and I realised he was in on it. I ran from the cafeteria, into the toilets and threw up. It wasn't because I was trying to, but because of how disgusting it was."

"Oh, Santana," Brittany said tearfully, throwing her arms around her. Santana gave her a small smile, but continued talking. She looked lost and helpless.

"After that day, I kept doing it."

"D-Doing what?"

"Throwing up – I barely ate and when I did, I'd throw it up almost immediately. My weight dropped so much after a few weeks, but I kept thinking it wasn't enough and I needed to lose more. I wanted to look like the Victoria's Secret models. Despite everything, the name calling didn't stop. They said I was trying to fit in and no one would ever want to be with me. They kept teasing me, saying I was obviously making myself sick. I hated it. I _hated _that they knew it all and that they were right, but I still did it. My parents knew something was up, but I refused to tell them. I was too good at it to get caught. I even started working out to explain where my weight was going."

She took a deep breath. It was obvious to everyone watching that she was on the verge of tears.

"My friend had a birthday party. I ate two slices of pizza and a piece of cake. Then I remembered everything and I threw up everywhere. I did it so much I passed out. I woke up and I was in a hospital – the doctors figured out what had happened and told me that if I carried on doing it, I would die. That scared me so much, I stopped. Slowly, I recovered. I managed to keep most of the weight off, but… well, looking back on it; I'm not that much different than I was before – I just filled out in all the right places."

"Oh San, I'm so sorry!" Brittany wailed, squeezing her. Santana kissed the top of her head and smiled. She looked around expectantly.

After Santana, Nick spoke. He told them about his younger brother, Ben, who had hung himself because he was being bullied.

"He was only bullied because our family was different. He was only bullied because my mom worked and my dad stayed at home and looked after us. But they were relentless. They beat the shit out of him because of it. I had no idea what was going on – I was at Dalton for fuck sake. I kept thinking that if I'd stayed in public schools, Ben would still be here. He was going to move to Dalton! I told my parents about their strict non-bullying policy, and they said it was perfect. B-But Ben wasn't convinced. He thought that, because it's a private school, the bullying would be worse. I think the idea of boarding scared him the most. B-B-But I came home, ready to show him around the place, and I found him hanging from the ceiling. I called an ambulance, got him down and tried to save him, but it was t-t-too late. I think I knew it in my heart, but it didn't stop me from trying. Ben would have _loved _Dalton, I know he would. But I've always blamed myself for not being there for him when he needed me. I only knew about the bullying because he wrote a god-damn note to me. He wanted to say goodbye, but couldn't do it in person."

Nick's voice broke and he fell silent, his tears finally spilling over. After he'd finished speaking, the rest of them shared their stories. Puck told them how his dad had never been there for them, Tina said she felt like she was ignored by everyone, Mercedes told them about her insecurities about her body, Artie explained what it was like not to be able to walk, Rachel told them how insecure she actually was about certain things, and she wanted to fit in with people, despite her talent. Finn told the others about his lack of confidence when it came to singing and dancing, Sam explained to the group in a hushed voice about him being a stripper so his family could earn money, Quinn managed to say, through her tears, about her daughter, Beth, and how much she loved and missed her.

"Okay, so it's my turn," Brittany said quietly. "I actually get sad when people call me stupid. I mean, I know I'm not smart, but being called stupid is mean. It makes me cry, and every time I cry, a unicorn dies. This is why there aren't many unicorns left in the world. I don't want to be sad and I don't want them to die."

The group was silent at her words. In a way, it was adorable – after all, Brittany wasn't the brightest person, but her words had meaning. She was insecure about her intelligence. After Brittany, David told them how he'd tried to make the memories of witnessing a murder from his childhood disappear by drinking, Thad explained that, where he had so many brothers and sisters, he was often overlooked at home and felt like he had to do big things to stick out. Trent was the next to speak. He said that he tried to kill himself when he was thirteen.

"Why did you do that?" Jeff asked, obviously shocked.

He shrugged. "I guess I just wanted out. It's a pathetic reason to be honest, but I didn't see the point in living – so I took an overdose. My sister found me and took me to the hospital. I'm glad she did now, because otherwise I wouldn't be here."

"I can't believe you tried to kill yourself, Trent."

"Sometimes, the darkness in us is too intense and it consumes us," Kurt whispered. Everyone turned to stare at him. He opened his eyes and sighed. "Don't think I've 'gone soft' just because I said that. Oh, I suppose it's my turn, is it?" He sighed and sat up a little straighter. He heard Blaine whimper in his arms and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm right here, I promise."

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"Shut up Blaine. I told you, there's a lot you don't know about me. No one knows what I'm about to say… so I guess it's just one of those things. It's about time I told someone."


	11. Demons From The Past

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **Again, this chapter is a serious trigger warning. It contains discussions and flashbacks of sexual abuse, rape, homophobia, physical abuse, talks of suicide and a lot of swearing.

* * *

**Chapter 11: Demons From The Past**

* * *

"As the people from McKinley know, I had a, shall we say, disagreement with Dave Karofsky. But, because we're here with other people, I'll start from the beginning." Kurt's voice was quiet and controlled. "Karofsky is a homophobic bastard. With me, I never had to come out, to _anyone. _Everyone knew I was gay – I mean, listen to my voice, right? But when I was a freshman in high school, I dressed… differently, nothing like I do now. Well, to people like Karofsky that was a beacon. He made my life a living hell for two years. He'd slam me into lockers, throw slushies at me, throw me in dumpsters – you name it, he did it. Well, one day I'd had enough. I followed him to the boy's locker room and started yelling at him. I wanted to know what his fucking problem was. Well, that bastard kissed me. When I pushed him off, he shoved me against the wall…"

Kurt closed his eyes. Blaine could see that whatever he was remembering was painful.

* * *

"_You fucking faggot, you love it, don't you?"_

_Kurt was panicking now. Karofsky's face was inches from his – he could actually feel his breath on him. "Leave me alone!" He yelled, trying in vain to push him away._

"_Shut up, princess! You're going to love this!"_

_Karofsky forced Kurt to his knees and unzipped his jeans. "You ready Hummel?"_

"_No, please god no! Don't do this Dave, you don't need to!"_

"_Shut the fuck up, if you bite me, I'll make you sorry!" He yelled, forcing himself into Kurt's mouth. He gagged and tried his best not to throw up._

* * *

"Oh my god…" Blaine's voice was tiny – it wasn't any louder than a whisper, but everyone heard it. Kurt opened his eyes and gave a bitter smile to the people surrounding him.

"Yes, Karofsky abused me. It was brutal, I know that." He shuddered. "It went on for the rest of the school year."

"Kurt, why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Yeah, you were friends with me at the start of school, but then you came back and… you'd changed," Mercedes whispered.

"I was disgusted with myself, alright? Not only was that bastard my first kiss, but he was the first person I ever did anything sexual with. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" There was a few seconds of silence before Kurt continued. "Last summer, he cornered me on the street. He forced me into his car and made me do all sorts of things."

"Kurt, what-?"

"He made me do _everything _with him!" He snapped. "Yes, I mean everything! It was painful, it was horrible and I fucking hate him for it. I got home and cried – fuck knows how I managed to get home, the amount of pain I was in. I started cutting my wrists to help me deal with it. It was ridiculous now that I think about it, but at the time it was perfect. But then I decided to see someone about it. She told me I had far too much anger, so I started boxing. I've stopped now, but it was the perfect distraction. Then school started again and I was forced to see him again." A dark look appeared on Kurt's face. For the first time, Blaine was frightened. "When he shoved me into that locker, I just lost it."

"Hell yeah you did," Puck said in awe. "I've never seen anything like it."

* * *

_Kurt stood by his locker in silence. Today was going to be horrifying, and he knew it. As if on cue, he was slammed into the cold unyielding metal of his locker. Karofsky was stood in front of him, a disgusting grin on his face._

"_Hey, look who's returned. How was your summer, princess? I heard you got a nice hard fuck!"_

_Kurt's stomach clenched at his comment. What the fuck was he playing at? The bastard had raped him!_

"_Leave me alone!"_

"_Oh, you have some fight in you today! Well, I guess you're doing better than this summer, right?"_

_Kurt saw red, and only red. Before he even realised what he was doing, his hands were on Karofsky and he was punching every inch of his disgusting body that he could reach. He could hear his cries of pain coming from Karofsky's mouth, and the shouts from people surrounding them, but that didn't stop him. Every bitter thought, every horrible act, absolutely everything Karofsky had done flashed before his eyes. Kurt felt someone behind him, forcing his arms behind his back. That didn't stop him from struggling though. He kicked out as hard as he could, a satisfied grin latching itself onto his face when his foot made contact with Karofsky's ribs._

_Kurt was dragged away ungraciously. He still wasn't sure who had hold of him. It wasn't until he was sat in the choir room that he realised it was Mr Schuester._

"_Kurt, what the hell are you playing at?"_

* * *

"He told me there was a high chance I'd be kicked out of the school for good."

"And why weren't you?" Nick asked in a horrified whisper.

"Karofsky decided to drop the whole thing. I think he realised that I could have told them at any time what made me act like that, so he just said to let it go. I got two weeks of detention, nothing more."

Kurt hadn't realised he was shaking until Blaine put his hand on top of his. The room was silent. They were all obviously in shock – they knew that Kurt hated Karofsky, but they hadn't realised it was _this _bad.

Kurt was still shaking, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then, he looked down at Blaine.

"Your turn."

Blaine gave a shaky nod. He sat up a little straighter, knowing that this was going to break his heart.

"Um… I know some of you are mad for not telling me about my dad earlier… and I'm sorry for that. But my dad was… horrid. When I was little, he'd lock me in my bedroom. I was so young I didn't understand what was happening, so I carried on doing what I would normally do – I played with my toys, like a normal child would do. I can remember hearing screams from… from my mamma though. And I remember Cooper's voice. It went on for hours sometimes."

He shuddered and felt Kurt's arms tighten around him, trying to comfort him.

"Then there was school. Most people guessed I was gay and they teased me for it. They bullied me before they even knew it was true. When I was thirteen, I snapped and screamed at them that they were right – that yes, I was gay and they wouldn't be able to change that. It only angered them."

* * *

"_Yes! Okay, yes, I'm gay! It's not a choice you know; I can't help it that I'm may be homosexual. But can we please get over this insanity? It's not my fault. I'm still the same guy I've always been, it hasn't changed me!"_

_Before Blaine knew what was happening, he was on the floor. The other boys kicked him furiously. He heard the chilling sound of metal on brick and screamed in pain as a crowbar was brought down onto his chest. Whoever it was hit him again and again – finally, after several agonizing minutes, he passed out._

"When I woke up, I was covered in blood. It hurt like hell to walk, but I managed to get home. As you can imagine, my dad went crazy. Seeing as he hated me in the first place, that day didn't help."

"_Blaine for fuck sake – how the hell did you manage to get so much blood on your god damn clothes?! I paid good money for those."_

"_I'm sorry, sir."_

"_Why did you have to cause a fight? What the hell did you do this time?"_

"_They attacked me because I told them I was gay."_

"_Why the hell would you do that? You know it'll only cause problems. God, you're more trouble than your worth, boy."_

"_I might be gay! I didn't just tell them for the fun of it, I told them because it's the truth. I'm not sure how I feel about these things."_

"_No you're not. I will not have my son fuck up his life by becoming a faggot! Get out of my sight!"_

"_But dad-"_

"_**NOW**."_

* * *

"Things got worse after that. School was cruel, and then I'd come home to the same thing. My mamma had no idea what was going on – she was in her room twenty-four hours a day. Cooper had left home the first chance he got and he'd never looked back. So my dad began to hate everything about me. I mean _everything."_

* * *

_Blaine had just finished preparing dinner for the evening – he'd made a lasagne for himself and his father. He'd even dished up a plate for his mamma, hoping he could sneak it up to her later on. _

"_What's this shit?" His father snarled. Blaine tensed immediately – he recognised that tone and knew he should get out of there as soon as he could._

"_I made a lasagne for tea, sir. I know you like it so I thought I'd make one."_

"_I only like the lasagne from that little restaurant, Breadstix."_

"_Oh, I'm s-sorry sir. Would you like me t-to make you something else?"_

_His father looked up at him, frowning. Without warning, he launched the china plate at Blaine's face. It smashed on impact, causing him to howl in pain. Then his father was raining down punches on him like there was no tomorrow. No matter how much Blaine screamed, his father never stopped. Ever._

* * *

"I'm so sorry Blaine," Kurt whispered. For the first time that night, he looked on the verge of tears. Blaine shook his head.

"Don't be sorry – it's… it's in the past now, right? He c-c-can't hurt me anymore. Anyway… Every time he finished beating me, he'd go into his study and drink. It was the best time for me – he was drunk, yes, but he was exhausted from hurting me. So I'd go and see mamma."

Kurt couldn't help but notice how Blaine's expression softened when he mentioned his mother – no, his mamma.

* * *

"_Mamma, can I come in?" Blaine heard the tiny noise from within and opened the door slowly. His mamma was sat, cross-legged on the bed, photo albums surrounding her. "What you got there?"_

_She waved at him to come over. He closed the door behind him and locked it carefully. Then, he moved and sat beside her on the bed. He was slightly surprised when she leaned into him, resting on his chest._

"_Are you having a good day mamma?" he asked kindly. She nodded and he smiled. "Come on then, show me what you've been looking at."_

_She eagerly pointed out her favourite photos. They were all of him and Cooper. He sat with her for about an hour before they heard the all-too familiar sound of his Andrew Anderson calling Blaine's name. His mamma tensed immediately._

"_It's okay mamma, he's looking for me, not you. You'll be safe, I promise. I love you mamma."_

_She nodded at him and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek._

"_I love you too Blaine," she whispered._

* * *

Blaine wiped the tears from his eyes hastily. "That was the best day she ever had. But then, everything went downhill for her. Dad sent me to Dalton so I wouldn't be with her all the time. I think her mind just… went downhill. Normally I'd go in with her every day. If she was having a bad day, I'd sit with her and calm her down. If she was having a good day, I'd talk to her, tell her stories and we'd look at old pictures." He sniffed quietly. "When I went to Dalton, I felt… different. Of course, I missed mamma with all my heart, but I was free from my dad. I was petrified to talk to anyone though – I was convinced they'd all hate me. Jeff was the one who found me first. I was having a panic attack in the toilets."

"I remember that," Jeff said quietly. "You wouldn't let me go anywhere near you, but you let me sing to you. It helped, didn't it?"

Blaine nodded. "He introduced me to everyone else," he gestured around the room. "And we became good friends. I still had my panic attacks, but they knew how to help me. They'd just sing something and I'd calm down instantly. But then my dad made me transfer to McKinley. It was both the best and worst thing I've done."

"Blaine, you've only been there for three days," Finn said.

"Yes, and look what's happened in those three days," he snapped, although he regretted it immediately. "I'm sorry Finn, that wasn't fair. No, it was the best because I met you all… but it was the worst because… well, just look at what's happened."

"Do you… do you really think that if you stayed at Dalton, your mamma would have been okay?"

Again, he nodded. "She liked me being at Dalton. Even though she was alone all the time, she knew I was safe from my dad. Mamma knew I was happy there."

He closed his eyes. Some of the tears that had been building up escaped.

"When I got home yesterday and I saw her, just lying there. I knew why she'd done it, because I'd thought about doing it several times." He heard the sharp intake of breath from some of the others, but didn't react. "She did it to escape him. I think if I had to go back there, I would have done it too. But Kurt's dad has agreed to let me stay here for a while, so…" He wiped away his tears. "I'm sorry… I really am. I can't believe you all did this disclosure circle with me."

"Blaine, we're your friends," Artie said. "We'll help you."

"We're more than just your friends Hobbit," Jeff said, smirking. "We're your family."

"But-"

"Get it into your thick skull, tribrows. We're here to help."

"Tribrows?" He repeated, unable to conceal his confusion.

"_Please," _Santana said, smirking. "You think I didn't notice how your eyebrows are in the shape of a triangle? Do you-?"

"I don't pluck them, so don't even go there." She let out a short laugh.

After a while, everyone broke off into their own conversations. Most of them were climbing into sleeping bags. One look at the clock told them why – it was two-thirty in the morning. They had been talking for three hours.

Kurt climbed on top of his mattress and held his arms open for Blaine. He followed, carrying the duvet with him. He lay beside Kurt, throwing the duvet over both their bodies.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"What are you thanking me for this time?"

"Helping me with everything – you didn't have to tell everyone that. I… I'm so sorry."

Kurt just sighed. "Don't be Blaine; they're demons from my past. Yes, I'd like to beat the shit out of him again, but I know I can't do that without getting into trouble… and I can't get into college when I've been kicked out of high school can I?"

"No," he agreed quietly. "What if I kick the shit out of him?"

"Please, you're a puppy," he said, kissing his forehead. "You couldn't hurt a fly."

"No, you're probably right. I'd feel bad if I hurt a poor defenceless little fly."

"Dork," Kurt muttered sleepily.

"Only for you," Blaine replied. They snuggled closer together and eventually, fell into an uneasy sleep.


	12. Come What May

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 12: Come What May**

* * *

Blaine woke early. He untangled himself from Kurt's body as carefully as he could. Kurt whined quietly at the loss of contact, but did not wake. As quietly as possible, Blaine made his way to Kurt's bathroom, hoping to take a shower. His dreams had not exactly been pleasant, and he wanted more than anything to relax under the hot water. He locked the bathroom door behind him and sighed. His wrists were hurting like hell now, but at the same time, he wished he had a razor with him. He wanted to ease the pain that was now burning inside of him; he wanted to forget everything that had happened. But he knew Kurt wouldn't let that happen, and had more than likely removed anything he could use. It didn't stop him from searching though. Ten minutes later, Blaine came to the conclusion that Kurt was a lot smarter than he thought. He stepped into the shower, breathing a sigh of relief under the flow of water. He didn't stay in there for long. Once he was finished, he stepped out and changed, stepping back into the bedroom. The others were still asleep.

Blaine made his way across the bedroom, trying his best not to step on anyone. He decided he needed some air, so he made his way out of the basement and up the stairs. The house was silent – after all, it was six in the morning. No one in their right mind was up yet. Blaine shook his head at the thought – he wasn't in his right mind, and that was obvious. He opened the front door and sat down on the doorstep, sighing. The air was cool and refreshing against his bruises. He closed his eyes, feeling fully relaxed for the first time in weeks. It was then that he remembered what he'd hidden in with his belongings. Adrenaline rushed through him and he stood up, searching through the duffle bags he had brought to Kurt's house.

* * *

"Blaine…" Kurt mumbled, moving to pull his boyfriend closer to him. He only met thin air. He frowned and without opening his eyes, moved his arm down the bed in search of Blaine's body. When he couldn't find him, he opened his eyes and sat up. A quick glance around the bedroom told him Blaine wasn't there… but where was he? He yawned and stretched, deciding that he was probably in the shower. But he couldn't hear the sound of running water and the bathroom door was wide open. Had he ventured upstairs? His stomach clenched at this – there were plenty of harmful things around the house that Blaine could find. He stood up and ran across the room. There were cries of pain from several of the people scattered across the floor, but Kurt didn't look back to see who he'd stood on. He took the stairs two at a time and looked around the landing frantically.

"Blaine?" He called quietly. There was no answer. Kurt's eyes found one of Blaine's duffle bags lying on the floor. It was open and some of the contents were visible. "Blaine," he said louder. "Where are you?"

He heard a yelp and the unmistakeable sound of metal hitting the floor. His heart sank. His legs seemed to move of their own accord, and he found himself pressed against the bathroom door.

"Blaine, open this door." His voice was calm – the complete opposite to how he felt. He wasn't a fucking idiot; he _knew _what Blaine was doing in there. He'd done it himself when he was younger.

"N-No Kurt, I'm just having a shower," Blaine said. Kurt could hear the cracks in his façade. His voice broke slightly at the end.

"Of course you are, and I like fucking girls," he snapped sarcastically. "I'm not stupid Blaine, open the door."

"No."

"You know I'll just break it down, don't you?"

"You wouldn't – C-Carole would kill you."

"So? I'd knock this whole house down if it meant stopping you from hurting yourself."

"I'm not doing anything!"

Kurt's fist slammed into the door. "Dammit Blaine, don't lie to me! You _can't _lie to me, I can see right through it. I may have only known you for a few days, but already I know _you. _You need me, Blaine. You need me to hold you – that's why you calm down so quickly in my arms."

"Kurt, p-please don't make this difficult…"

"You're the one _making _it difficult!" He said, punching the door again. "There are other ways you can deal with this! I took up boxing, I went to a counsellor. Sure, I didn't tell her _everything _but she knew enough. She guessed most of it. You don't have to do this Blaine!"

For the first time in years, Kurt was crying. His voice broke in odd places and there were tears escaping his eyes.

"Blaine, please…"

Blaine was silent. After about a minute, Kurt heard the lock sliding against the door. He threw it open, his heart breaking at the sight before him. Blaine was shirtless, so his bruises were clearly visible. He was sat on the edge of the bath, his wrists bleeding, a razor blade held tightly in his hands. Slowly, Kurt approached him. He reached a hand out to take hold of Blaine's, who flinched as though he were expecting a fight. Kurt ignored this, despite it destroying him, and tried to make Blaine open his fist.

"Give me the razor."

"No."

"Blaine, give it to me."

"No."

It took all of Kurt's efforts not to roll his eyes. Blaine was holding the blade tightly in his fist; blood began to trickle through his fingers.

"Look at what you're doing to yourself!" He snapped. "Please Blaine, give it to me."

Blaine just shook his head. Kurt knew how stubborn he was and sighed. He forced Blaine to sit on the floor and told him to stay there. He then took a towel from the rack and began patting the wounds on Blaine's wrists gently. Blaine let out a whimper each time the towel made contact with his skin.

"I know it hurts… Don't hold that blade so tightly, okay? Let me get you cleaned up."

Blaine didn't respond. Kurt ended up using a washcloth to clean the wounds on Blaine's arms, using the towel to dry them. Blaine began to hyperventilate, feeling the all-too-familiar signs of a panic attack creeping up on him. He looked at Kurt, his eyes wide with terror. Kurt seemed to understand, because he immediately began singing in a soft, soothing voice.

"_Yeah I'll tell you something, I think you'll understand_

_When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand_

_I wanna hold your hand; I wanna hold your hand_

_Oh please say to me you'll let me be your man_

_And please say to me you'll let me hold your hand_

_Now let me hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand"_

Blaine's eyes were wide. He was still trembling and his breathing was still raspy. He was definitely panicking now – why the hell wasn't he calming down? Singing normally worked and Kurt had the voice of an angel. Why the fuck wasn't it working? Kurt seemed to sense this too, because he stopped cleaning Blaine's arms and took his face in his hands, singing as gently as he could.

"_And when I touch you, I feel happy inside_

_It's such a feeling that my love, I can't hide_

_I can't hide, I can't hide_

_Yeah you've got that something_

_I think you'll understand _

_When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand_

_I wanna hold your hand; I wanna hold your hand_

_Yeah I wanna hold your hand."_

Kurt looked at Blaine expectantly, sighing when he just shook his head. He was silent for a fraction of a second before sitting opposite him on the floor, singing again. He took Blaine's hands in his and made sure to sit as still as he could, trying to calm him.

"_Never knew I could feel like this_

_Like I've never seen the sky before_

_Want to vanish inside your kiss_

_Every day I love you more and more_

_Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings?_

_Telling me to give you everything_

_Seasons my change; winter to spring_

_But I love you until the end of time."_

Blaine's eyes widened. He'd told Kurt that Moulin Rouge was his favourite film when they had been talking about musicals, just a few days ago. But that conversation had just been a normal thing to pass the time in their math class – had Kurt actually remembered or was it just a coincidence? Blaine's breathing calmed immediately. His hands stopped shaking and he seemed to be able to focus his attention entirely on Kurt. Before he even realised what he was doing, Blaine opened his mouth and sang. Kurt's eyes widened and he stopped, dumbstruck – Blaine was actually singing back to him. And it was beautiful.

"_Come what may, come what may_

_I will love you until my dying day_

_Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place_

_Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace_

_Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste_

_It all revolves around you."_

Kurt was unable to hide his smile now. This beautiful, yet broken boy was singing as though his whole life depended on it. He was stunned at how strong Blaine's voice actually was. His hazel eyes were fixed on Kurt's face, as though he would die if he moved them away. Kurt opened his mouth and sang with Blaine, slightly surprised how their voices blended together in a perfect harmony. He'd known Blaine was a good singer, but this was an entirely different thing. Blaine was singing with raw emotion and it was the epitome of beauty.

"_And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide_

_Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side_

_Storm clouds may gather, and stars may collide_

_But I love you until the end of time_

_Come what may, come what may_

_I will love you until my dying day_

_Oh, come what may, come what may_

_I will love you, oh I will love you_

_Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place_

_Come what may, come what may_

_I will love you until my dying day."_

Blaine's panic attack had completely vanished. His lips were inches from Kurt's and before he knew what was happening, they were kissing fiercely, hands wound in each other's hair tightly. Kurt pulled him closer to him – Blaine ended up straddling Kurt, still kissing him as though they were glued together.

"Kurt, that song," he murmured against his lips.

"I know," he breathed back, his eyes closed. "I meant every word – to both of them."

"Me too," he said.

Kurt smiled and moved from Blaine's mouth, letting his lips explore eagerly. In a matter of seconds, he discovered a spot on Blaine's neck that was _more _than sensitive.

"Kurt!" Blaine moaned when he felt his lips brush against it. Kurt gave a wicked grin – he knew exactly what he was doing to him. "_Kurt, _oh my god," he hissed through his teeth.

There was a knock at the door. The two of them jumped as though they had been burned. Blaine leapt off Kurt's lap, his eyes wide.

"It's me," Santana's voice said through the door. "Hurry up, I want a shower."

"Okay," Kurt replied, "we'll be just a second."

"_Please, _for the love of god, don't tell me you're balls-deep in Blaine right now… or the other way around. Just hurry up, whatever the hell you're doing. Rachel's stolen your bathroom Kurt, and her morning routines are a pain in the ass."

"Shut up," Kurt snapped. He turned to Blaine, speaking in a much softer voice. "Pass me the cloth and the towel, I'll wash them. Just rinse out the sink and put your jumper back on to hide your arms, okay?"  
Blaine gave a shaky nod and did as Kurt asked. He was still feeling light-headed from their kiss and how quickly it had deepened. There was no denying it, he'd fallen for Kurt.

"Blaine, are you still with me?" Kurt's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Again, he gave a nod and a small smile. "Good… Now give me the razor." When Blaine hesitated, Kurt rolled his eyes. "You know I'll just fight you for it. Give it to me so I don't have to hurt you." Blaine sighed and put the razor in Kurt's open hand. "Don't do it again. I _mean _it!"

He just nodded. Kurt checked the bathroom – as far as he could see, there were no signs of blood anywhere. He unlocked the door, not surprised to see Santana stood right behind it.

"About time Hummel," she snapped irritably. "What the hell were you doing in there?"

"Blaine wanted to talk to me, so I suggested we come upstairs so no one overheard."

"Right, that's obviously why I heard tribrows moaning your name."

Blaine flushed furiously, but to his surprise, Kurt laughed. "Santana, don't get your hopes up in a bid to gossip. I wasn't fucking Blaine. Go and shower or whatever you were planning to do, bed-hair _really _doesn't suit you."

Santana opened her mouth, no doubt thinking of a retort. She seemed to think the better of it, because she pushed past them both, slamming the bathroom door shut behind her. Kurt just rolled his eyes.

"I think we've guessed that she is _not _a morning person," Blaine muttered. Kurt heard and let out a laugh. They went back down to the basement bedroom, slightly surprised to see that everyone, except for Puck, was awake.

"Where did you two disappear to?" Finn asked when they walked in.

"Shit, shower and shave," Kurt replied without looking at him. Blaine shook his head to show Finn that he was only joking.

"I wanted to talk to Kurt about something, so we went upstairs – didn't want to disturb anyone."

"Is… is everything okay?"

Blaine nodded at Brittany. His heart ached at the concern in her voice. She beamed at him and returned to what she was doing – poking Puck with a pencil. Puck gave a loud grunt and tried to bat the stick of wood away, much to Brittany's pleasure.

Blaine moved to sit beside Jeff, who looked slightly shocked at the sight around him.

"Its seven thirty in the morning, how the hell are they all awake? How are _you _awake?"

"I've been up since six Jeff, I had a nightmare."

"Shit, I'm sorry… do you wanna talk?"

He shook his head. "It's no big deal."

"Is that what you went to talk to Kurt about?"

Blaine looked around the room. No one was interested in their conversation – except for Kurt. He was now sat with his back against the wall, sketch pad on his knees. Blaine couldn't help but notice that he was staring at a fixed point in front of him, listening. He was keeping an eye on him. Blaine looked back at Jeff and shook his head slowly.

"Then what did you…?"

With a sigh, Blaine gestured to his wrists. It took a few seconds for Jeff to understand. When he did, his eyes went wide. He raised his hand and hit Blaine on the back of the head, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to earn him a surprised gasp.

"You're such a fucking idiot," he hissed.

"I know. Don't bother giving me a lecture, Kurt already did that."

"This isn't over, Hobbit." Jeff was angry, there was no hiding it. Blaine rolled his eyes but said no more. He knew he had to take everything one step at a time.

* * *

Once everyone had showered and changed (which took a surprisingly short amount of time, considering the amount of people that were there), they ventured upstairs. Some of them, like Finn, Puck, Nick and David, were obviously in the hope of food. Carole was delighted to see them all, and immediately set about making pancakes, Blaine by her side.

"Thank you dear," she said gratefully as they entered the kitchen.

"No problem," he replied. "I like cooking, it calms me down."

"That's good then. Come on, let's get started."

Blaine nodded his agreement. They were silent as they worked, but it wasn't uncomfortable. He was grateful – Finn's mother was the kind of person where silence was _never _awkward. She hummed quietly as they cooked. Blaine grinned and began humming with her.

"I think we'll just give them the food in there," Carole said once the pancakes were done. "This kitchen is far too small to fit everyone."

"Agreed – are you joining us?"

"Oh, no sweetie, I'll only end up embarrassing you all. No, I'm going to go shopping, I think we need some more food."

Blaine nodded and together, they carried the seventeen plates into the living room. Everyone was crammed in, watching something on the TV. Carole waved her goodbye, handing Blaine his plate of pancakes before she left.

"Man, these are _delicious!" _Puck moaned. Kurt caught Blaine's eye and they burst out laughing. After a while, Quinn suggested they watch a film.

"No, we can't do that!" Rachel squealed, horrified. "We have regionals in a month, we need to practise!"

"Oh my god Rachel, shut up," Mercedes said, sighing. "It's the _weekend. _I think we've earned the right to relax – you and Mr Schue have been putting us through hell in glee this week."

"But-"

"She's right," Finn said. He knew Rachel would be pissed because he disagreed with her, but he didn't have the energy to argue. "We deserve a break. What film shall we watch?"

As expected, there was some bickering. Most of the boys wanted to watch an action film, whereas the girls wanted to watch a romance.

"I am not sitting through two and half hours of a bunch of guys blowing each other up!"

"Aw, come _on _Quinn," Artie said, laughing. "James Bond is a good film; you just gotta watch the right one."

"I'm with Quinn; I'm not watching _any_ James Bond films!" Tina said.

"What about Moulin Rouge?" Thad suggested. Everyone went silent, thinking. Eventually, most of them agreed – the only ones that didn't were Finn and Puck.

"Aw man, Rachel makes me watch this film at _least _three times a week."

"One more won't hurt then, will it," she snapped at him.

"I've never seen this, but come on. A musical about falling in love – seems a little cliché doesn't it?"

"There's prostitutes in this film," Santana said, knowing he'd shut up. He grinned and winked, settling back to watch the film.

For the next two hours, none of them said a word, except to sing along with the songs. When the finale came on the screen, both Kurt and Blaine froze. Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor were singing _that _song. They glanced at each other, smiling – they were obviously thinking the same thing. The urge to kiss was overwhelming. Eventually, Blaine leaned up and brushed their lips together gently.

"I _knew _it!" Santana cried a satisfied grin on her face. "I knew I heard you two singing this earlier!"

"Dammit Santana, you're ruining a perfectly lovely moment!" Mercedes said, not looking away from the movie.

"Wait, they were singing this earlier?" Nick asked, tearing his eyes from the screen. "Are you being serious?" She nodded. "That's adorable," he said, turning his attention back to the screen. "Now shut up, this is my favourite part. I cry every time."

Santana rolled her eyes, taking another glance at Kurt and Blaine. Kurt winked at her and she smirked before returning to watching the film. Kurt took this opportunity to kiss Blaine again.

"You two are going to end up going at it on that couch in a minute," she said without looking at them. Kurt laughed loudly.

"Who said romance was dead?" He muttered against Blaine's lips. Blaine allowed himself a smile. He actually felt happy. His friends had actually succeeded in making him feel better – he felt as though he finally belonged somewhere. And he was there.

* * *

**The next chapter will be focused on Blaine's adaption to living with the Hummels/Hudsons and how the glee club are preparing for regionals. Thank you so much for your support!**

**Song credit;**

**I Wanna Hold Your Hand - The Beatles (Although I imagined the Glee version for this chapter, it's so beautiful)**

**Come What May - Moulin Rouge**


	13. Adapting

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note:** Credit to the Pythagoras/Eyebrows joke goes to my older brother. He randomly said it the other day and when I mentioned I wanted to use it for this, he demanded credit.

During the texting scene, it's: _Blaine, _Kurt.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Adapting**

* * *

The next few weeks were difficult, and that was to say the least. Carole had gotten used to Blaine being around the house pretty quickly; Burt was still getting used to it, but mainly because he constantly referred to him as "Mr Hummel" or "Sir". Finn, on the other hand, seemed to constantly forget that Blaine was living with the Hudsons/Hummels. Nearly every morning, he would give a yelp of surprise when he saw him at the table, or stood beside Carole, helping her cook breakfast. Kurt was revelling in the fact Blaine was there. Sure, it was strange, living with his boyfriend, but he was still _there. _Kurt knew that he'd never get tired of seeing Blaine in the mornings, yawning and barely awake. It was adorable. They had managed to keep their relationship a secret so far. It wasn't until three weeks after Blaine had 'officially' moved in, Burt and Carole found out.

Blaine hated sleeping alone. Three weeks together, and he already hated sleeping without Kurt by his side. His bedroom, the spare room, was fairly small, but large enough to fit a double bed. He would have been happier with a single, but Carole had insisted – everyone else in the house had a double bed, so it would only be fair. Truthfully, Blaine hated his bed. It made him feel even more alone than he already did – double beds were meant to be shared, not slept in alone. Every night, when everyone had gone to sleep, either Kurt would sneak upstairs or Blaine would creep downstairs. Neither could bare the thought of being on their own – they helped each other sleep and calmed each other down when they were having nightmares.

Blaine's bedroom door opened with a soft creek. Kurt tip-toed through the doorway, a small, sleepy smile on his face – Blaine sat up immediately.

"Did I wake you?" He asked quietly. When Blaine shook his head, he visibly relaxed. "I had a nightmare," he said, slipping into the bed beside him. Blaine wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, staying silent. He knew he needed to give Kurt the opportunity to speak. "It was a flashback really, feeling Karofsky's hands all over me." He shuddered and Blaine tightened his grip on him. "I can't believe I lost my virginity to that _monster."_

"No," Blaine said firmly. "You didn't lose your virginity to him, that bastard _stole _it from you."

Kurt smirked. "Blaine Anderson, swearing is a sin… says the Bible."

"So is being gay, but that doesn't stop me," he shot back, smirking. He planted a soft, gentle kiss on Kurt's lips. "Feeling any better?"

"A little, but it's because I'm with you," he admitted. "I really am going soft, aren't I?"

Blaine laughed quietly. "Of course not; you've always been soft. You just haven't really shown it. Not like me."

"No, not like you – you're like a bowl of jelly."

"Dork."

"I thought you were the dork in this relationship? You're the one that can do all that maths shit."

Blaine rolled his eyes, glancing at the homework he'd left on his desk. "Pythagoras' Theorem is _not _shit, Kurt. I like math."

"I know you do, which emphasizes the fact you're a dork. Pythagoras is the one with the triangles, right?" He nodded and Kurt laughed. "You could probably do it with your eyebrows then."

"That's not _fair_! You pick on me all the time. Earlier you were on about me being a Hobbit-"

"Which you are," he said.

"Well it's not my fault I'm short, okay? Not everyone can be freakishly tall like you," Blaine continued as though he hadn't heard Kurt's interruption.

"I am _not _freakishly tall, thank you very much! I'm average height."

Blaine snorted, which lead to Kurt poking him in the ribs. They weren't sure how, but Kurt ended up straddling him while their lips met in a passionate kiss. Kurt was thankful that they were in the dark because he was blushing. He was actually _blushing! _One of his hands was in Blaine's hair, running his fingers through the curls, and the other was resting on his chest. Blaine was shirtless in the bed, and Kurt could feel how toned he was. Seriously, when the hell did Blaine work out? Kurt tore his lips from Blaine's, moving to _that _spot on his neck.

"Kurt," he whimpered. Kurt gave him a wink before returning to teasing his neck. "_Kurt," _He said again, his moan louder this time. Before he even realised what he was doing, Blaine flipped them over, so that his body was hovering above Kurt's. Blaine moved his hands over Kurt's bare chest, tracing the perfect tones of his muscles.

"See something you like, Anderson?"

The voice made him jump slightly, but he grinned. "Maybe I do, maybe I don't. What are you going to do about it, Hummel? I'm stronger than you think."

Kurt's eyes seemed to darken. Suddenly, Blaine realised why. How could he have not felt _that _against his thigh, rock hard and just… there? Kurt seized his opportunity, using Blaine's hesitation to his advantage. He flipped them over again, using his body to pin Blaine down.

"Oh dear, now look who's in charge. I think you owe me an apology Blaine."

"I think it's the other way around – you insulted my eyebrows."

"Honey, they do look like they've been plucked. I just don't think you want to admit it."

"Well, I'm sorry for having freakishly misshapen eyebrows. But hey, at least they amuse you, right?"

By this time, they were both in fits of hysterical laughter. Once it had subsided, Kurt leaned down and kissed Blaine, softer than before. Blaine responded just as tenderly, smiling into their kiss.

Someone cleared their throat. With a small yelp, Kurt leapt off Blaine, landing with a soft thud on the bed beside him. Burt Hummel was stood in the doorway, looking sleepy but confused.

"Boys, you want to explain what's going on?"

For the first time, Kurt was at a loss for words. He looked helplessly at Blaine, who just stared back at him. Burt sighed – he understood what was going on perfectly fine. He crossed the room and sat down at the edge of the bed, watching them both.

"I don't have a problem with you being together you know."

"You don't?" Kurt repeated, obviously surprised.

Burt shook his head with a sigh. "Of course not buddy. You know I just want you to be happy. But I _do _have a problem with you not telling me."

"I'm sorry sir," Blaine said quickly. The last thing he wanted was Kurt getting in trouble. "We should have t-told you, but we weren't sure how. We d-didn't even know how you would react. We thought we should keep it quiet, at least until we knew for sure. I'm sorry Mr Hummel."

He sighed again. "Listen kiddo, enough of this 'sir' and 'Mr Hummel' crap, okay? I told you before, I have no problem with you calling me Burt… in fact I'd prefer it. But um, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't sneak into each other's bedrooms. I'm guessing this isn't the first time?" Their silence was like a confession. "Okay, I see. Come on Kurt; get your ass back downstairs."

With a reluctant smile, Kurt said goodnight to Blaine and followed his father from the bedroom.

"I'm sorry Dad," he finally said.

"What for?"

"We should have told you instead of going behind your back."

"Well… yeah, you really should have buddy. But I'm not mad. I'm actually happy for you – Finn said you never really spoke to anyone before you met Blaine."

He just shrugged. "I never really did anything before Blaine."

"Hm," Burt said, leaning against the wall. "Well at any rate, I'm glad you're happy."

"You like him, don't you?" Kurt asked, leaning against the wall opposite his father. "You even have a little… what's it called… endearment for him."

"Kurt, what _are _you talking about?"

"Well, you call me 'buddy' all the time, right? You've always called Finn 'sport', even before you were with Carole, and now you've started calling Blaine 'kiddo'. I think it's sweet."

Burt rolled his eyes. "You really are perceptive, aren't you?" Kurt nodded, grinning. "You get that from your mom. Now get your ass downstairs, I have work tomorrow and you have school. I'm not letting you stay home just because you're tired."

Kurt sighed and made his way back to his bedroom. His bed felt cold and empty without Blaine. Without really thinking about it, he grabbed his phone.

(01:47)

Is it wrong that I miss you already?

_(01:48)_

_No, I miss you too._

(01:49)

Come downstairs? I'll even send you a picture of my puppy-eyes to convince you.

_(01:49)_

_Shut up, I need sleep. We have school tomorrow._

(01:50)

I know that, but it doesn't mean you can't come down.

_(01:50)_

_Do you really think your dad won't check on us as soon as he gets up? Besides, Rachel's gonna be so pissed if we're tired tomorrow._

(01:51)

Oh yeah, good point… About Dad, not Rachel – I couldn't give a shit what she thinks. That's not a bad thing to say, right?

_(01:52)_

_No, I feel the same. I wish she'd shut up about regionals._

(01:53)

Why, you nervous?

_(01:53)_

_Yep, mainly because of the Warblers… they're still my friends. Plus Sebastian will be there._

(01:53)

Isn't that the one that bullied you?

_(01:53)_

_Yeah. And the one I so stupidly had a crush on._

(01:54)

Yeah, that is pretty stupid Blaine. Don't worry, tell me and I'll kick his ass.

_(01:54)_

_You know, despite this "badass" shit you pull, you're still a dork._

(01:55)

Oh please, I could kick your ass.

_(01:56)_

_Did your toy elephant tell you that?_

(01:56)

Leave Ellie out of this before I come up those stairs and shove her down your throat.

_(01:57)_

_Oh help, there's a stuffed elephant attacking me._

(01:58)

You're such a dork Blaine. Stop harassing me.

_(01:58)_

_Me harass you? **You're **the one who text me, thanks. I should file a police report._

(01:59)

I won't leave you any pancakes at breakfast tomorrow if you don't shut up.

_(01:59)_

_Kurt, I'm the one who **makes **the pancakes._

(02:00)

Oh yeah, oops.

_(02:00)_

_Oh look, it's now 2AM. I'm being threatened with a stuffed elephant. I'm an emotional wreck. This guy is harassing me._

(02:01)

Yes I am Anderson, but you love it.

_(02:01)_

_Imagine me sighing. Because I seriously just did. _

(02:02)

See, you won't even admit it!

_(02:03)_

_Oh my god Kurt, you just can't shut up, can you?_

(02:03)

Once again, I'm just gonna say "you love it".

_(02:04)_

_I'm going bed, if I'm tired and cranky in the morning, we can just blame you._

(02:10)

Blaine?

_(02:11)_

_What nooooow? I was just dozing off_

(02:12)

Shit, sorry. Never mind, I'll tell you later. Night x

_(02:12)_

_Night Kurt x_

Kurt put his phone on his bedside table, cursing himself. He had very nearly said it, but chickened out at the last minute. Why the hell was he so afraid? It was three words god damn it, but he didn't even have the balls to say them. He had sung it to Blaine a few weeks ago, so what was the difference? Then again, singing 'Come What May' on the bathroom floor wasn't the most obvious sign you were in love with someone. With a soft sigh, he rolled over to sleep, still irritated at how empty his bed was.

* * *

Kurt woke late the next morning. Carole and Burt had already left for work. Both Blaine and Finn were in the kitchen – Finn was at the table and Blaine was at the stove, cooking.

"Morning," Kurt said cheerfully, running his hands through his damp hair. "Sleep well?"

Blaine turned and rolled his eyes at him. "Shut up Kurt, you were texting me until two in the morning."

"You text me back."

"Hey, why didn't you text me?" Finn complained.

"Please," Kurt said, sitting beside him. "You were snoring so loudly, you wouldn't have heard your phone go off, even if it was right beside your ear."

"Good point little bro," he said laughing.

"Finn, how many times do we have to go over this? I'm older than you. That makes you my little brother."

"But I'm taller!"

Kurt didn't say anything, catching Blaine's eye and grinning. Blaine carried on cooking, humming as he did so. He set two plates in front of Finn and Kurt, and then sat down opposite them, a small plate of pancakes in front of him. Finn wolfed down his meal, then bolted from the table, saying he had to meet Rachel before they went to school.

Both Kurt and Blaine ate slowly – they had no reason to hurry. When they were finished, Kurt insisted that he help clean up. They stood side-by-side, Blaine washing the dishes while Kurt dried them. They were probably pressed a little closer than necessary, but neither of them seemed to mind.

"We're gonna be late in a minute," Kurt said, glancing at the clock. Blaine just nodded, putting the last of the plates away. He picked up his books from the counter and put them into his bag. Kurt did the same and they walked out of the house hand in hand. Once Kurt had locked the front door, they climbed into his car. They journey to McKinley passed far too quickly for their liking – they had no lessons at all together, so they wouldn't see each other until lunch.

"I guess I'll see you in a few hours," Kurt sighed as they got out of the car. Blaine sighed and leaned against the door.

"This sucks. Can't you fail this year for me?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Shut up Blaine, I want to get out of this shit-hole as soon as I can."

"I know, I know. It's just… I'll miss you after graduation."

Kurt's heart skipped a beat. He moved in to kiss Blaine. They had kept their relationship quiet for a long time, the only people in McKinley knowing being the glee club, but Kurt no longer cared. He was relieved when he Blaine responded to the kiss. He could feel his smile pressed against his lips. When they broke apart, it was hard to ignore the stares they were getting. The parking lot was silent, until…

"You're fucking fags!"

Blaine's heart sank as he saw Karofsky approach them. His eyes were fixed on him. He shoved past Kurt and threw Blaine against the car.

"You mother fucking queer."

Kurt pulled Karofsky away. He didn't even bat an eyelid. "Are you okay?" He said to Blaine quietly, relaxing when he nodded. "Get the fuck away from us Karofsky."

"Why should I Hummel?" He snapped, fully aware that everyone around them was listening.

"If you don't, I'll kick the living crap out of you." Kurt's voice was low and dangerous. His eyes were dark, but not in the way Blaine had noticed the night before. They were filled with hate.

"Yeah, of course you will. You're both fucking fairies. No one wants to see that shit in public."

"Is that why you raped Kurt in your car instead of out in the open?"

Both Kurt's and Karofsky's jaws dropped simultaneously. Kurt turned to stare at Blaine, completely dumbstruck. But Blaine wasn't done.

"I know everything Karofsky, you're despicable! Look at me and Kurt – we're fucking happy. We're out and we're _proud. _But you," he laughed bitterly, taking a step closer to him. "You're still hidden in the closet, crying because _no one _wants to be with you. Have you noticed that? Not even girls want you. It's because you're vile and you're disgusting – if they think that_ before_ they know what you did to Kurt, I'd love to hear what they'd say about you if they found it out."

"I swear to god you fucking princess; if you tell anyone I'll-"

"What hit me? Do the same to me? We both know you wouldn't. You ran away when Kurt kicked the shit out of you, not because it hurt, but because you were scared he'd tell someone. Just fuck off and leave us alone, yeah?"

"I'm warning you, fag-" Karofsky snarled, moving so he was nose-to-nose with Blaine.

"Go on then, hit me!" He yelled. "Fucking hit me! I've been used as a punching bag before, by my own father. I don't even care anymore. You can hit me all you want, it won't make me forget and it'll _never _turn me straight. Believe me, my dad tried. You can't punch the 'gay' out of me no more than I can punch the 'asshole' out of you, and that's putting it lightly. So go on, _fuck off."_

Karofsky was shaking but after a few moments, he turned from Blaine and walked away furiously. Kurt released the breath he had obviously been holding in and pulled Blaine into his arms. Blaine gave a shaky laugh and hugged him back.

"I'm sorry Kurt, I shouldn't have done that."

"Don't ruin this!" He snapped, taking Blaine by surprise. "I want to keep that moment in my head forever."

"Um… Can I ask why?"

"It was hot, okay?" When Blaine rolled his eyes, Kurt continued. "I'm _serious. _You're normally so dapper, and innocent, and all that… Then _that _happens."

"Yeah, well I can't stand him, not after what he did."

"Blaine, that's all in the past."

"It doesn't change anything. He hurt you. I'll never let anyone hurt you again."

"Jeez, and I thought _I _would be the one protecting you in this relationship. Apparently you can look after yourself. I wish you'd done that with your dad though."

There was a few seconds of silence, before Blaine finally whispered. "Me too."

"Still, that was so fucking hot. I'm going to have to make you angry more often."

Blaine rolled his eyes. "See you at lunch."

"See you at lunch," Kurt replied, planting another kiss on his lips before walking away.

* * *

When Kurt and Blaine walked into the cafeteria at twelve-thirty, everyone inside fell silent. Before they knew it Jacob Israel, the boy that ran McKinley's gossip blog, was in front of them, holding a recorder under their noses.

"So the infamous Kurt Hummel is dating McKinley's new resident, Blaine Anderson. Do you have anything to say on that?" When they remained silent, he turned to Blaine. "Care to comment on what happened in the parking lot this morning between you and Dave Karofsky?"

"Why don't you ask _him?" _Blaine said in a bored voice.

"I did, he threatened me."

"Oh yeah, what did he say?" Kurt asked in a falsely-sweet voice.

"That if I didn't go, he'd hit me. So Blaine, is it true your bowties are a hoax, and you're just as, and I quote, '_badass as Kurt Hummel'_? What do you have to say on that?"

Blaine sighed. "What I have to say, Israel. is that if you don't move your recorder from my face, I'll shove it so far up your ass, you'll have to cough it back up."

Jacob quickly tucked the recorded in his pocket and walked away, his head low. Kurt let out a loud laugh and led Blaine over to where the glee club were sat. They were surprised at how quiet they all were.

"Is something wrong?" Kurt asked, already knowing the answer.

"Guys, what the hell happened this morning? Everyone's talking about it."

"God, they make it sound as though I ripped his head off or something," Blaine muttered.

Kurt grinned. "I thought you were going to for a second."

He smiled back and they explained to the others how Blaine had stood up to Karofsky.

"Wait, Karofsky knows that you know?" They nodded and Artie fist bumped Blaine. "Respect man, none of us would have dreamed of saying anything to him. He's terrifying."

"How come you did it then? I mean, I get that he was being an asshole, but why did _that _come up?"

Blaine looked at Quinn for a full minute before answering her. "Every time I look at him, I think of what he did. But I remember how Kurt looked when he was telling us all. You… you guys don't understand how much something like that can affect someone."

"What do you mean?"

He hesitated, looking Kurt, who sighed and spoke for him.

"What Blaine's saying is that I get nightmares."

"Nightmares?"  
"Yeah, flashbacks to what happened. Blaine gets them too, about his dad. Mine stopped for a while, but I guess because we did that disclosure thing, old memories came back. I'm _fine _guys," he added when they all looked at him sympathetically. "I'm not changing or anything."

"I still think you're a badass dude," Puck said. When Kurt raised an eyebrow, he carried on. Whatever it was had obviously been on his mind for a while. "Well, honestly we were scared of you. I think we still are a bit, but Blaine's managed to bring out a different side to you. You're actually a nice guy, but you're_ still_ a badass. You don't take shit and I respect that."

"Uh… thanks Puck."

"No problem bro. But remember, we got your back, okay? We stick together."

Kurt nodded. Their lunchtime passed without any further mentions of what happened, which they were both incredibly grateful for. When the bell rang to signal the end of lunch, they both sighed.

"So, I'll see you in glee…" Kurt whispered.

"See you then," Blaine replied, wrapping his arms around him. They kissed gently, both smiling. Puck wolf-whistled and they pulled away, both rolling their eyes.

"Puck, you're so immature," Santana said.

"This coming from the one who nearly peed when she found out they sang a love song to each other." He snapped back.

"Yeah well that was adorable. They were just kissing. Come _on, _Mr. Chalk will kill us if we're late again."

"Uh, I'd better go too," Kurt said to Blaine. "I have Mr. Chalk as well. If I'm late he'll probably put me in detention… and then Mr Schue would kill me for missing glee."

"He'd have to dig you up first, Rachel would murder you."

Kurt laughed, agreeing. He gave Blaine one final kiss before disappearing down the hall. Blaine walked to his History classroom, a small smile on his face. His smile vanished when he walked into his class, knowing this lesson would drag. His eyes remained fixed on the clock through the whole lesson, willing time to go faster. He just wanted to be in glee and escape to the world of music. Waiting was almost painful.

As soon as the bell rang, he ran from the classroom, towards the choir room.


	14. Facing The Music

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

* * *

**Chapter 14: Facing The Music**

* * *

The minute the bell rang, every student in the classroom jumped to their feet and bolted for the door, desperate to leave school for the day. Kurt rolled his eyes at them and stood, packing his books into his bag slowly. By the time he left the classroom, the corridors were empty. He swore quietly, remembering he needed to get some more of his books from his locker. With a sigh, he turned. Being a few minutes late for glee wouldn't be too bad. He knew the set list like the back of his hand – all he had to do was remember the steps and sing the harmonies.

He reached his locker and took a couple of his homework books from inside. Without warning, he was shoved into the metal. Kurt knew without turning who had done it.

"You fucking homo," Karofsky spat. His friend, Azimio, laughed harshly. Kurt just raised an eyebrow at them – there were so many things he was dying to say, but he knew the consequences wouldn't be good. He really wasn't in the mood to kick their asses.

"What do you want?" He snapped, closing his locker with unnecessary force.

"You're disgusting," Karofsky yelled in his face. "It was bad enough before, when it was just you prancing around, sprinkling fairy dust everywhere. Now you've shacked up with another homo and you're parading it around and shoving it in our faces. You're vile!"

"You're a fine one to talk!" Kurt bellowed back, shoving him as hard as he could. "Do you _really _want me to say it Karofsky, in front of your friend?"

"We both know you wouldn't dare-"

"Do you? Do you _really _know that though? You never expected me to tell anyone, did you? Well guess what, I did. I told Blaine, and I told our _friends. _Yeah, that's right," he said when Azimio snorted. "I have friends. Who'd have ever thought it right; gay person like me, having friends. What are the fucking odds?" He was nose-to-nose with Karofsky now, shouting in his face. Karofsky didn't back away.

"Kurt, what's going on?"

They turned to see Blaine, Puck and Santana stood a few feet away, watching them closely. Puck had spoken; his eyes were narrowed and fixed on Karofsky. Santana looked ready to pounce on him and Azimio, but Blaine's eyes were wide and slightly scared-looking. Kurt fixed his gaze on Blaine. His expression was hard to read, but Kurt knew exactly what he was thinking. Blaine didn't want him to get hurt; he wanted him to back away before anything happened.

"Oh, look at this Hummel; you have your fag-ass boyfriend, a lesbian, and a man-slut to back you up!"

"Come on Dave," Azimio said, trying to pull him away. He was eyeing Puck nervously, knowing that he wasn't afraid to of a fight and would probably beat them to a pulp. "It's not worth it."

Karofsky wouldn't budge. "Of course it's worth it – I wouldn't miss the chance to kick the shit out of Kurt Hummel if my life depended on it. He deserves it."

"I think you'll find, Karofsky, that if anyone in this hallway deserves to have the shit kicked out of them, it's you."

All eyes turned to Blaine, shocked. He was shaking with rage. Kurt gave him a small grin, but was still worried. On one hand, he was overwhelmed that Blaine was sticking up for him again, but Karofsky was dangerous, and he knew that he wouldn't be afraid to fight him. Puck and Santana watched Blaine in awe – they knew what had happened that morning, how he had stood up to Karofsky, and were secretly hoping for a repeat of it.

"Are you asking for a fight, homo?" Karofsky bellowed, turning to Blaine. "Because I'll fucking give you one!"

Blaine was completely unfazed by him. He took a calm step forwards, his eyes narrowed. Sure, he was afraid, but not of getting hurt – he didn't want anything to happen to Kurt.

"I suggest you walk away _now _Karofsky. I'm not afraid to hit you. I've been told that I can throw a punch, I don't mind testing that on your face."

Kurt laughed at this, remembering the same thing Blaine was – back in his bedroom, when Blaine had been having a nightmare and punched him in the face, making his nose bleed. Karofsky shoved Kurt's body away from him and stood over Blaine.

"Why don't you fucking _try _it," he snarled. Blaine opened his mouth, but never got the chance to speak. Karofsky gripped the front of his jumper and threw him, full force, into the lockers. Blaine's body hit the metal with an almighty smash, his face screwed up in pain. He didn't fall to the floor, as Karofsky expected. Instead, he let out a bitter laugh, standing up straight. Before he could say anything, Karofsky smashed his fist into Blaine's face, cackling. He gripped his hair and threw his face into the cold metal repeatedly, ignoring the frantic attempts from Kurt, Santana and Puck to pull him back.

"Karofsky, _stop," _Kurt screamed. Karofsky froze, his fist inches from Blaine's head. "You want to take your anger out on someone, do it to me."

He sneered and let go of Blaine, who sank to the floor, his eyes closed. "You asked for it Hummel, not like you did before."

Kurt wondered why the hell he was being so bold, but then he realised – Azimio had fled. Karofsky didn't care that Puck and Santana heard. He had probably guessed that they already knew.

"You _screamed _my name, didn't you?"

Something cold and hard gripped Kurt's stomach, twisting around. There was a huge lump in his throat and he felt like he was going to be sick. Sure, Karofsky had thrown him smug glances since the _incident _as Kurt thought of it, but he had never _ever _openly bragged about what he did.

"That's enough!" Santana yelled, giving him a hard shove. "You're disgusting, I can't believe you." She turned to Puck, who was knelt beside Blaine, trying to wake him up. "Am I the only one who's going to kick this bastard's ass?"

"Shut up you cheap whore," Karofsky snapped, throwing her to the floor beside Blaine. All of her weight landed on her wrist, and they heard a loud, sickening crack. Santana let out a cry of pain and Puck turned to her, panicking. She was pale and looked faint, but she was conscious. Puck didn't leave Blaine's side though; he was still trying to get him to open his eyes. Blaine was conscious, just not responding to him.

"You broke her fucking wrist!"

"Shut the fuck up, Puckerman! Now, Hummel," he growled, turning back to Kurt. "Where were we?" He reached his hand out, putting it on his cheek. He had the horrid feeling of déjà vu. If there was one thing that made him sick to his stomach, it was the feel of Karofsky touching his skin. Kurt threw his hand off him furiously. "Oh, you're actually fighting this time, are you? Not like before. You loved it Hummel, admit it. You were screaming my name."

"I was screaming at you to get off me! They know what you did; I will not let it happen again!"

"Then maybe I should take your boyfriend instead, one look at him tells me his ass is a virgin, just like yours was."

"Don't you fucking dare-"

Karofsky grabbed Kurt's hair and slammed his head back into the wall. Kurt shoved him away, landing a punch on the other boy's skull. Santana was yelling, furious that Puck wouldn't let her up and join the fight. He had managed to get Blaine to open his eyes, but he was having trouble focusing.

"What's with all this shouting?" Blaine asked groggily. He was silent for a fraction of a second before remembering. "Kurt!" He tried to stand up, but Puck pushed him back down.

"You aren't going anywhere pretty boy; you've hit your head."

"But Puck, Kurt-"

"Come on then Hummel, let's finish what we started!" snarled Karofsky, ignoring the others.

"What _we _started?" Kurt spat back, his hands gripping the front of the other boy's shirt to keep him away. "You're one who started it all when you fucking _raped _me!"

"And I'd gladly do it again!" He said, throwing Kurt against the wall and pinning him there by his throat.

"BOYS, what the _hell _is going on?"

Everyone froze and turned to the source of the voice. Coach Sylvester was stood there, her eyes wide. For the first time, Dave Karofsky looked scared. There was a few seconds of silence before Mr Schue came running around the corner, the rest of the glee club behind him. They had obviously been attracted by the amount of noise they were making.

"Why is there so much shouting – Sue, have you said something to these… Guys, why aren't you in glee? What's going on?"

Sue completely ignored Will, her eyes fixed on Kurt and Karofsky, who still had hold of Kurt's throat, but nowhere near as tightly as before.

"Did I just hear that right?" She said in a quiet voice. When no one answered, she spoke again, her voice harsher than before. "Did I hear Porcelain correctly?"

"Yes," Santana whispered. She got to her feet carefully. "Yes Coach Sylvester, you heard Kurt right."

"Karofsky, get your lardy ass to the Principal's office NOW!"

Karofsky looked petrified. He released Kurt, turned on his heel and walked away as quickly as he could, as though he was happy to escape the scene.

"Porcelain," she said softly, approaching him. He flinched when she put her hand on his arm. "Are you alright?"

He didn't answer, not trusting his voice. He still felt like he was going to throw up. He just shook his head and bent down in front of Blaine, caressing his face.

"Blaine? Honey, look at me. Are you alright?" Kurt knew it was a stupid question – he'd had his head smashed into a locker. But he couldn't help but ask. Slowly, Blaine nodded. He got to his feet carefully, being supported by Kurt and Puck.

"Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?" Mr Schue snapped. "Someone tell me why Dave Karofsky has been sent to Principal Figgins, why Santana is holding her wrist like it's broken, why Kurt was being pinned to the wall and is now crying, and why Blaine needs to be held up by two people, or I swear I'm going to lose it."

"Will, maybe you should just calm down," Sue said. Everyone was taken aback at how soft her voice was. "I'll explain everything to you in a minute; just let me get this sorted."

"Regionals are tomorrow," Rachel said loudly, "and half of glee club decided not to show up to rehearsal!"

"Shut up Berry, my wrist may be broken but I can still kick your ass," Santana snapped.

"Santana, don't talk to her like that, she has a point-"

"Mr Schue, you have no idea what's going on!"

Everyone burst into an argument. No one seemed to be taking Rachel's side, but they were all obviously irritated that this had happened so close to their competition. Mr Schue and Sue were arguing loudly, Blaine swayed on his feet, gripping Kurt's arm as hard as he could to keep upright and Santana was being held back from attacking Rachel by Puck. The arguments showed no signs of letting up. When Blaine gave a soft cry, Kurt had enough.

"I was raped!" He shouted. Everyone went silent immediately. "There you go, I said it. Karofsky didn't just bully me," he said to the two teachers. The glee club were silent, as though they were dreading what was going to happen. They'd heard what happened before, but they had never seen how much it affected Kurt. They had never seen him cry, not like he was at that moment. "One day… He slammed me into the lockers, like usual, but I'd had enough. I followed him into the locker room and demanded to know what his problem was. He kissed me." He saw Mr Schue's eyes narrow and Sue's nostrils flare, but he continued. "I shoved him away but he pinned me to the wall. He… He made me give him a blow job." His voice broke slightly and he could feel tears burning his eyes. "And it carried on like that for the rest of the school year."

"Why didn't you say anything Kurt?"

"Then in the summer," he said, continuing as though he hadn't heard Mr Schue's question. "I was on my way home from the library. He c-cornered me and threw me into his car. It was dark, I shouldn't have walked home… b-but he threw me into his car and forced himself on me!"

He couldn't carry on. Kurt sank to the floor, openly sobbing. Blaine knelt down beside him and put an arm around his shoulders, holding him close. Everyone was silent. The students were watching the teachers, preparing for their reactions. No one could have predicted what happened. Sue crouched in front of Kurt and wrapped her arms around him, not caring that the position was awkward because of Blaine's arms. Mr Schue was stood still, his eyes wide. Then, he turned on his heel and walked away, in the obvious direction of Principal Figgins' office.

"Porcelain," Sue said softly. "Kurt, listen to me. We're going to help you through this, okay? He's never going to hurt you again. Do you trust me?" When he didn't reply she sighed. "Of course you don't, I'm a heinous bitch. Okay, do you trust your friends?" He nodded and she smiled. "Okay, good. I know they'll tell you the same. Dave Karofsky can never hurt you again, I promise. Go home okay? I'm sure Will won't mind you if you miss glee rehearsals."

"I d-don't want to go home." Kurt's voice was small and broken.

"You can't stay here all night. I know it's hard. Blaine will stay with you, won't you?"

Blaine nodded. He didn't ask how she knew his name. He helped Kurt to his feet, his heart breaking when he saw him trembling. Despite this, Kurt held on to Blaine tightly, knowing he could barely stand without his help.

"Santana, I'll phone an ambulance for you now."

"There's no need Coach," Sam said, stepping forwards, "I'll drive her to the hospital. Come on Santana."

"I'm coming too!" Brittany said her face glazed with tears. Sue just watched them go, wondering when the hell she came to care so much about this group of irritating teens. The hallway was silent except for the sounds coming from Kurt, who was still crying softly, and Blaine murmuring kind, soothing words to him. Mr Schue came back, looking furious.

"Karofsky's gone. He's fled," he snarled. Everyone was taken aback. They had never heard Mr Schue speak with so much venom in his voice. He turned to Kurt, an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm so sorry Kurt. Look, why don't you and Blaine go home? You don't have to compete tomorrow either, we'll work something out. You both need to relax."

"No, I want to compete tomorrow," Kurt protested. "I-I can do it. I promise."

He refused. "I promise that if we get through, you will definitely compete at Nationals. But neither of you can deal with the stress of this right now. Blaine, you need to get to hospital for your head, it looks like you hit it pretty hard." Blaine shook his head, stopping when the action hurt. "At least go and see the school nurse?" He sighed and agreed.

Mr Schue decided against carrying on the glee rehearsal, ignoring Rachel's protests. He told them to be in the school parking lot at nine sharp the following morning, so they could spend the day preparing. Once everyone had gone, he and Sue led Blaine to the nurse's office, followed by Kurt, who had refused to leave him.

Blaine had to sit through a physical examination, despite insisting that he was fine. Eventually, the nurse decided that Blaine wasn't concussed and just needed to rest. Sue left them once his assessment was over, but Mr Schue walked them to Kurt's car.

"Kurt, you know that we have to take this further, don't you?" He said softly. Kurt could only nod at him. "You'll have to tell your dad."

"What?" He said, eyes widening.

"You have to. We have to go to the police about this; what Karofsky did to you was a serious crime. He can't get away with it." Kurt just sighed and nodded again. "Blaine," Mr Schue continued, turning to him. "I was going to tell you this after the rehearsal, but… well; I guess I may as well tell you now. A policewoman called Rose Watson phoned the reception. She didn't know Kurt's home number, so she decided to phone the school."

"Rose Watson," he repeated quietly. "Oh, she's the one I spoke to about… my dad. What did she want?" He asked, his stomach clenching slightly.

"She said that your mother is… officially… released. You can start planning her funeral whenever you're ready. She also said the date for your father's trial has been set, but she wants you to phone her. Do you have her number?"

He nodded, feeling numb. "She gave it to me when I met her."

Mr Schue nodded. "Well… she wants you to phone her. Boys, take care, okay? Have a relaxing weekend. You _both _need it. Kurt, I'm sure someone will be in contact with you. I advise you to tell your dad tonight, before he hears it from someone else. I'll see you boys on Monday, I hope."

Kurt and Blaine said goodbye and watched him walk away, both feeling miserable. Neither of them spoke until they were outside Kurt's house, still sat in the car.

"Blaine, I'm sorry…"

"What?" He repeated, confused. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"If I'd kept my mouth shut, he wouldn't have hurt you."

"Shut up Kurt, I'm the one who provoked him – I'd do it again in a heartbeat, okay?"

"No. I can't stand to see you get hurt. I care about you too much."

"And I care about you too Kurt."

"You… you don't hate me b-because of what he did? What happened between us? I feel so dirty and disgusting all the time. That's why I'm the way I am. It's why I've had so many one-night stands, done so many stupid things in my life. It's why I'm too afraid to get close to anyone, why I'm too afraid to have friends."

Kurt was crying at this point. Blaine reached across and took his hand in his.

"I could _never _hate you Kurt Hummel. What that bastard did to you _wasn't _your fault. That will _never _be your fault. You have friends. Look at today, Santana and Puck were ready to kick ass for you. So was I actually. We all care about you, even if the others are slightly afraid of you. They only see the mask you put up for them. Sure, Finn's seen glimpses of the real you at home, but you don't let any of them see much else except for me. I love that you let me see the _real _you, and not just this façade you've created for yourself. I know you're scared Kurt, but I love you. I think I have since the moment I met you, when I literally walked right into you. I know you're afraid, but you need to try and understand that you have people that care about you; people that are willing help you, not just me. The entire glee club care about you – even the Warblers do. Jeff and Nick practically worship you because you've helped me so much."

Kurt was silent. He was staring at Blaine, his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. At first, Blaine thought he was scared. But then he saw Kurt's eyes – they were light, full of hope. Then, he whispered three words, as though they were sacred to him.

"You love me?"

Blaine gasped, realising what he'd said. He'd finally told Kurt how he felt, and he didn't even mean to.

"Shit, I'm sorry. Don't be freaked out. I know we've only been together for a few weeks…" He rubbed the back of his neck, the way he always did when he was nervous. "But yeah. I may as well say it. I do love you Kurt. You make me feel like there's so much worth living for. I was close to ending everything before I met you – you showed me that I shouldn't k-kill myself, that I should just suck it up and fight my way through life. You move me. You've changed everything for me and yes, I love you."

Blaine stopped and held his breath. He was pretty sure Kurt had gone into shock. Shit, he had said before that he didn't really date or anything. What the hell was he thinking? Now Kurt was going to hate him and his life would be awkward as hell. He opened his mouth, ready to apologise. But nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

Kurt leaned across the seat and kissed him passionately. There were still tears on his face and they brushed against Blaine's skin, but he didn't mind. He responded to the kiss cautiously, unsure of what was happening. When they eventually broke apart, Kurt grinned widely.

"I love you too."

Blaine was pretty sure his heart stopped. His mouth was hanging open. He could still taste Kurt, the familiar taste of him on his lips.

"You do?" He whispered, hardly daring to believe it.

"I do," Kurt replied, his hand still entwined with Blaine's. "Come on, now we have to go face the music."

Blaine let out a groan. They got out of the car, immediately joining hands again.

"You ready?"

"No, but this has to be done. Blaine?"

"Mm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	15. From Bad To Worse

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **Reply to the "Guest" review on the last chapter. (Feel free to skips this ridiculously long A/N if you want):

Don't feel like your review was irritating! I love every since review I get, even if it's bad, because it means someone has taken the time out of their day to write it. I understand what you're saying, I really do. I know I've been vague about the self harm with Blaine, but I'm not going to forget about it completely, as this chapter shows. I can understand what you're saying though, honestly. This has been my plan since I started writing this story, I wanted it to go along like this. Kurt and Jeff's anger is how I would react if I saw someone I cared about hurting themselves. I'd be so angry that they'd do it, but Kurt and Jeff care about Blaine. Jeff didn't hit him hard, just enough to let him know that he was angry. It's the kind of thing me and my friends do to one another, so I'm sorry if it came across differently.

And about Kurt's situation - I've based it on personal experience. I know that sounds bad, but let me explain. I know someone who went through the same thing Kurt did, and reacted in the same way. I asked their permission if I could use it in this story before I did anything, and they said yes. I'm also basing people's reactions off what happened. They told their partner, and when they came face-to-face with the person that did it, they shouted it, like Blaine did. It's kind of hard to explain, but in this story, Kurt just wants to forget it ever happened. He wants to push it to the back of his mind, which is why his friends don't say anything, because they understand that.**  
**

I wanted Kurt to be very cautious and to not let his emotions show, because that's how I imagined the character in this situation. But his walls are breaking and his emotions are beginning to be revealed. You're right, it's impossible to get over rape in the blink of an eye, but Kurt hasn't got over it, not at all. His way of dealing with it is pretending it never happened which, let's be honest, isn't a very good thing to do. I appreciate your feedback though, so thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying this story.

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**Chapter 15: From Bad To Worse**

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The minute they walked through the front door, Burt Hummel could tell something had happened. He had suspected something was up when Finn got home. He wasn't supposed to be there for another hour, so Burt assumed glee must have finished early. He had no idea why, not when regionals were the following day. Seeing Kurt and Blaine confirmed his suspicions. They walked hand in hand, as though terrified to let go of each other. Kurt looked up at his dad, his eyes wide and fearful.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Blaine asked him.

Kurt shook his head. "No. I'll come and find you when I'm done, okay? Why don't you phone that policewoman, Rose something?"

Blaine nodded and planted a gentle kiss on his boyfriend's cheek before leaving, heading downstairs to Kurt's bedroom. Kurt just stood there in the hallway, shaking.

"Kurt?" Burt said cautiously. He took hold of his hand and led him into the kitchen. He made him sit at the dining table. "What's happened?" He asked, sitting opposite him. "I know something's up buddy; Finn hasn't come out of his room since he got home and you and Blaine… Well, it's obvious."

Kurt was crying, finally allowing his mask to disappear. "D-Dad… I'm not sure I want to tell you. Your heart-"

"Screw my heart Kurt, tell me what's happened. You never cry. I'll be patient, I promise. I won't be angry with you."

"You will," he whispered.

"I _won't _Kurt, I swear. Come on, tell me what's happened. You're my son; I'll always look after you."

Kurt looked up at his dad, still shaking. Slowly, he told Burt everything. He spoke for over an hour. He told him about how Karofsky had bullied him since he was a freshman at McKinley, but it was just tossing him in dumpsters and throwing slushies at him. Burt nodded; he already knew this, as Kurt had often complained about his clothes being ruined. Then he said how it got more violent, and he was being shoved into his locker on a daily basis. He would come home with bruises scattered across his shoulders, but he was always careful to hide them. Then, in between his sobs, he told Burt what had happened in the locker room. Burt was angry, to say the least and started to speak. Kurt only had to hold his hand up to silence him. His father was quiet, realising there was more. He listened as Kurt told him about how the abuse continued throughout the year, and when summer came he was relieved to escape Karofsky, but it hadn't lasted. He explained how, when he was walking home from the library one evening, Karofsky had pulled him into his car and forced himself on him. Kurt stopped talking, unable to say a word through his tears. As expected, Burt was furious. He stood up, hands balled into fists. But his anger wasn't directed at Kurt. He threw himself into the seat beside his son and pulled him into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry Kurt," he whispered. His voice cracked slightly. "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Kurt finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry Dad. I just couldn't tell you."

Burt shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for buddy. How did you deal with it without telling anyone?"

Kurt told him how he'd paid for his own counselling sessions, twice a week for six weeks. He used his wages he made from working with his dad. He explained, crying even harder, how he got hold of a fake ID and hooked up with random strangers in Scandals, having one night stands. He'd almost turned to drugs, but decided against it at the last minute.

"Kurt, you should have told me," Burt said in a broken voice. "I would have been there for you. Why is this only coming out now?"

"B-Because Karofsky threw me into my locker, before glee today. He and his friend Azimio were there. He didn't try anything at first, just saying the usual crap. But then Blaine, Puck and Santana got there. Azimio ran away because he's afraid of Puck, but Karofsky d-didn't care. When his friend went, he got really bold and started b-bragging about what he'd done."

"Why the hell would he-"

"Dad, _please _let me finish, otherwise I'll never be able to say it. Well, Blaine stood up to him, because he knows what happened. All of the people that slept round a few weeks ago do."

"Why the hell didn't they say anything? This is s_erious _Kurt, your friends should have told me."

"I didn't want them to. I wanted it all to go away and be forgotten about. I know they were pissed off that I made them stay quiet, but they did it. They did because they care about me. I've dealt with it for this long, so I was sure I could handle it. But talking about it brought back memories and I started having nightmares again. That's why I'd go into Blaine's bed or he'd come into mine. When we sleep together, _not have sex, _but actually sleep together, neither of us gets any nightmares. Anyway," he said, realising he was going off the subject. "Blaine stood up to him and Karofsky got really, really angry. He started attacking Blaine, smashing his head into the lockers. I think he was knocked out for a while. Puck was trying to wake him and Santana started screaming at Karofsky, but he threw her out of his way and broke her wrist. Then he… then he pinned me up against the wall and started b-b-bragging again, saying I screamed his n-name, and that I begged him. I felt sick. I still do…"

"But-"

"Then Coach Sylvester was there," he said over Burt. "And she'd obviously heard everything. She screamed at Karofsky to go to Principal Figgins' office, but he didn't. Then the glee club and Mr Schue were there, and everyone started arguing, so I just screamed it at them. Mr Schue told me that they have to go to the p-police about it all. Everyone left, so he and Coach Sylvester took Blaine to the nurse's office. I went with them and they said he wasn't concussed or anything but needed rest. So… so here we are," he finished, wiping his tears away. "I'm so sorry Dad…"

"You don't have to be Kurt," he replied, kissing his forehead. "As stupid as it sounds, I can see why you didn't tell anyone."

"You can?"

"Yeah, I can. I know it's not the same, but when I was younger this kid picked on me. He'd beat me up a lot, but I never told my parents. I kept thinking that if I ignored it, it would stop."

"Did it?"

"No. He ended up getting expelled for beating up another kid. I never told anyone though. I probably should have; if I did, the other kid wouldn't have been hurt. But Kurt, I'm glad you've finally told me."  
"You don't hate me?"

"Of course I don't hate you, you're my son. I'm pissed off that you didn't tell me, but that doesn't matter. I know now, and I'm going to help you every step of the way, okay?" Kurt nodded and Burt managed a smile. "Good. Now, I think you'd better go find Blaine. No doubt he's worrying about you."

"Are you going to tell Carole or d-do you want me to?

"I'll do it when she gets home, alright? She'll be here any minute, she finished an hour ago. Don't worry, I'll tell her not to fuss too much, just that we're going to be expecting a couple of officers coming around soon to ask questions, right?"

Kurt nodded and finally managed a smile. He gave his dad one last hug and left the kitchen. It was like an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Karofsky wouldn't get away with it. It would finally be sorted. He still felt as though he was going to be sick, but the only thing he wanted to do was be with Blaine.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

Blaine was sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning against the shower. His wrists were bleeding and his eyes were closed. There was yet another small square blade beside him. Kurt's heart stopped. He sprinted across to the room and crouched in front of him, taking his face in his hands.

"Blaine? Blaine baby, look at me. Just look at me!"

Blaine opened his eyes, a small cry escaping his lips.

"Why don't you phone that policewoman, Rose something?"

Blaine nodded at Kurt, kissed him on the cheek and went downstairs to the basement-bedroom. He was praying that Kurt would be okay, despite not believing in God. Once inside, he sat himself on Kurt's bed, taking a deep breath. He took his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialled the number he'd been given.

"_Hello?"_

"Is this Rose Watson? It's Blaine."

"_Blaine… You mean Blaine Anderson? Oh Blaine, I'm so glad you called, I tried getting hold of you today but you were in a lesson. How've you been?"_

"Um… I've been fine. What did you want me to phone you for?"

"_Well, I don't know if you've been told, but your mother's body is ready to be released. Do you want to plan the funeral or would you like your brother Cooper to? He's been in contact with me as well."_

"Cooper can do it," he said quickly. "I'll help but… Yeah, Cooper can do it."

"_Okay, I'll let him know. The date for your father's trial has been set too. It's next Wednesday."_

"Will… will I have to be there?"

"_Unfortunately yes, but you've already given your statement and had your interview. You won't have to be in the same room as him, but you're still required to attend. Your brother will be there as well."_

"Cooper's going to be in Ohio?"

"_Yes, he's flying in from New York on Monday. Hasn't he told you? He said he was going to ring you today; he must be doing it later. Do you need anything from me Blaine, anything at all?"_

"Can I be honest with you?"

"_Of course you can. I told you when we met; I'm here to help you."_

"I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. I've tried different things."

"_What have you tried?"_

"Um, well I wrote down how I was feeling. It didn't work; it just made me really angry. I also tried speaking about it, but that made my nightmares worse. I've ignored it and it's done nothing…"

"_Why do I get the feeling you aren't telling me something?"_

"Because I'm not; I've… I've taken to hurting myself too…"

"_Blaine, what are you…?" _Rose went quiet, obviously realising. "_Blaine, you haven't done what I think you have,__have you?"_

"It helps me."

"_How can something like that help you?"_

"It distracts me! The pain makes it better. You don't understand."

"_Blaine, how could you do something like that, when your own mother-"_

"Don't you dare talk about my mamma like you know her, don't you dare."

"_Blaine, calm down."_

"I will not calm down! You don't know anything. Goodbye and thanks for nothing!"

"_Blaine, don't hang up-"_

He ended the phone call and threw his phone to the side, furious. What the hell did she know about anything? Cutting his wrists helped him. He had no other way of dealing with it. There was so much anger built up inside him and it terrified him. Surely it was better to hurt himself than hurt the people around him? The burn of his wrists distracted him from what was happening in his life. It was too difficult to bear but… did he really want to end his life? The honest answer was no, but only because he had Kurt. If he was alone, then he probably would have done it weeks ago. But Kurt was in his life now.

Before he even realised what he was doing, Blaine was on his knees in the bathroom. He reached behind the sink and took out one of the razors he had hidden there. The metal was slicing through his skin in a flash, and he breathed a sigh of relief, feeling the adrenaline pump through his body. He sat back against the shower, dragging the razorblade along his wrist again. He could feel the blood trickling down his arm and shuddered. He despised himself for doing this but at the same time, it was the best possible thing for him. He closed his eyes, another sigh escaping his lips.

"Blaine? Blaine baby, look at me. Just look at me!"

He frowned. That voice… Kurt. Holy shit, how long had Kurt been there?! He opened his eyes, a strange noise escaping his throat, something between a sob and a shout. He tried to move away from him, but Kurt just pulled him back.

"Blaine, what have you done?" He sobbed, his clothes now covered in blood. "Oh my god Blaine; you need to go to hospital."

"No," he muttered. "No hospitals."

"You have to," he whispered. "DAD, help me! Come down here, _please!"_

Loud, frantic footsteps on the stairs told them that Burt wasn't alone. He burst in, closely followed by Carole, who was still in her nurse's uniform. A small gasp escaped her lips and she ran over to Blaine.

"Kurt, go stand with your father," she said quietly, pressing a towel to his wrists to stop the bleeding.

"But-"

"Go, now! You'll only get in the way."

Kurt stood up and moved to stand with Burt, who was watching in horror.

"Kurt, come on. You don't need to see this; you've been through enough today. Come on buddy." Burt tried to pull him out of the room, but Kurt stood his ground.

"No!" He shouted, pulling his arm from his grip. "If you think I'm just going to leave him there, you've got another thing coming!"

Burt seemed to understand, because he just held his hands up, sighing. They turned to watch Carole check over Blaine.

"He'll be okay… They aren't too deep," she whispered, more to herself than anything. "They just look worse than they are. Burt, can you get my medical kit from upstairs please?"

Burt nodded and ran from the room. He returned only seconds later, a large first aid box in his arms. Carole opened it, took out a wipe and began to clean the wounds on Blaine's wrists carefully. They were no longer bleeding, but the sight still made Kurt cringe.

"Will he need to go to hospital?" He asked in a small voice. He was slightly relieved when Carole shook her head.

"They weren't as deep as they looked… I don't think he meant for them to be that bad," she whispered.

"C-Can I come back over?"

She nodded and Kurt rushed to her side. He knelt beside Blaine, reaching out his hand warily and putting in on his cheek.

"Talk to him Kurt," said Carole, still cleaning his wrists. "See if he'll respond. I know he's awake but he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Blaine, honey… Can you hear me?"

"Mm."

"Good, that's good… Listen, you're going to be alright. You… I think you took things a bit far this time baby."

"What do you mean this time?" Burt asked, frowning. Kurt just shook his head, turning back to Blaine.

"We're going to get you help, okay? I… I know I said I would help you fight this but… I can't do it alone, not with my state of mind. You need a professional."

Blaine's eyes snapped open. He shook his head, whining. His ability to speak seemed to have vanished.

"You have to. I… I'm going to go as well, okay? I've been thinking about doing this to myself again, and I don't want to. We _both _need help, so we'll both go and talk to someone. Not at the same time, not if you don't want to, but we'll go and we'll get ourselves some help."

Burt and Carole were silent, watching the boys closely; they had never heard Kurt speak with so much emotion in his voice.

"Blaine, do you think you can get up?" Carole said softly.

"Mm," he said again, turning away from her. "Want to sleep."

"You can darling, I promise. But you can't go to sleep here. Come on, let's get you into bed."

Kurt helped him stand, alarmed when he swayed on the spot. Blaine was pale and looked like he was going to faint at any moment.

"Do you want me to carry you baby?" he whispered. Blaine nodded and held his arms out, almost like a small child. Kurt picked him up carefully, thankful that he was so tiny. He walked up the stairs slowly, aware that Burt and Carole were behind him, and took Blaine up to his bedroom. He sat him down on the bed cautiously.

"I'll help you get out of these clothes in a minute honey, okay?"

"Mm."

Kurt just sighed. Carole pushed Burt out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"I'll help you Kurt," she said. When Blaine made a noise of protest, she rolled her eyes. "Blaine, you're forgetting I have a teenage son. No matter how many times I tell him, that boy can't seem to understand to lock his door when he's… never mind. Besides, we're only stripping you down to your underwear; it's nothing I haven't seen before."

Blaine agreed quietly. Kurt and Carole helped him out of his clothes carefully, until he was sat there in just his underwear. Blaine shivered, his teeth chattering. Kurt turned, opened his wardrobe and pulled out the most comfortable pair of pyjamas he could find, and a big, thick jumper. He helped Blaine change and tucked him into the bed. He fell asleep almost immediately.

"Is he going to be okay?" Kurt asked Carole in a quiet voice.

"He will be. He's going to be feeling pretty tired for a while, but there's nothing we can do about that. It's lucky you found him when you did."

"He won't need the hospital then?"

"No sweetie, he won't. We're lucky I'm a nurse, aren't we?" He just nodded. "Can I ask you a few questions?" He nodded again, knowing they would come sooner or later. "How many times has Blaine done this? You said 'this time'… and I noticed some scars on his arms."

"He's done it twice when he's been here, during the first week. They were nowhere near as bad as this. I think he did it from desperation then. But this time…" Kurt shuddered. "I know he's done it once before, but that was before we knew him."

Carole sighed and stroked a few of Blaine's curls away from his face. "The poor soul; he looks so helpless. I have another question for you, if that's okay?"

"Go for it."

"Did you mean what you said, about going to talk to someone?"

Kurt was silent. It wasn't what he had been expecting – he thought she was going to say something about Karofsky and the school. But eventually, he nodded.

"Yes. Dad's alright told you, hasn't he?"

"He told me the basics, but then you… found Blaine."

Kurt nodded. "Well, I went to talk to someone before. I paid for a six week thing. But I wasn't very honest during it – I lied quite a lot, even though she guessed what had happened. But I want to go again. I… I don't think I can deal with this, not now everyone knows. And Blaine needs to talk to someone as well… I just figured we can go together."

Carole nodded. Then she did something Kurt wasn't expecting. She pulled him into a hug. "I hope you realise that I think of both of you as my sons now, don't you? I know it's difficult, but I'll be here for you, even though I'm not your mother. You don't have to be afraid to talk to me, okay Kurt?"

He nodded slowly. "Thank you Carole," he said quietly. "It means a lot to me. One thing… Will B-Blaine be okay to sleep?"

"Yes. Why, do you want to stay in here with him?" He nodded. "That's fine. I was going to suggest that anyway, in case he wakes up and panics. He only seems to listen to you." She stood up and opened the door. Before leaving, she turned to him. "Kurt?"

"Yes Carole?"

"You're very brave. I hope you realise that."

He just nodded and watched her leave. Once he was alone, Kurt changed out of his blood-covered clothes. He pulled on a pair of Blaine's sweatpants and a hoodie, and then climbed into bed beside him.

"Oh Blaine," Kurt whispered, stroking his hair softly. "Things keep going from bad to worse. You need to get better… We need to get better."


	16. Progress

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry it took so long to upload this chapter. I'm not really sure what I think of it, but it was essential to go on with the story.

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**Chapter 16: Progress**

* * *

_Pain: that was all Blaine could feel. It was like fire, except it was… more. Every breath he took and every beat of his heart caused fresh ripples of agony to tear through his body. He opened his eyes, but had no idea where he was. It was dark and damp; he could see his breath come up in a mist in front of his mouth. He stood up slowly and carefully. His teeth were biting down on his lip hard in an attempt to stop himself from crying out in pain. He was silent for a few minutes. Then he heard a high-pitched whining. The sound made his heart stop. Why did the noise sound so familiar to him?_

"_H-Hello?" Blaine said his voice hoarse and raspy. He stumbled forwards, blinking in the darkness. After a few seconds, he hit something solid and fell, sprawling out over the cold, hard floor. Blaine swore and turned himself slowly. His hands reached out cautiously, feeling what he had fallen over. A gasp escaped his lips. It was solid and… alive! He took a closer look and his jaw dropped._

"_Kurt!" He cried. "Oh my god – what's happened?"_

_Kurt gave another whine and shifted. That's when Blaine saw the gashes on his face, chest and arms. He was surrounded by blood._

"_Kurt, baby, what happened to you?"_

_A glint of metal caught his eye and he saw the knife in Kurt's hand. It took a few seconds for it to sink in – he did it himself. Kurt had done this to himself._

* * *

Blaine woke with a start. It took his eyes a while to adjust – it was dark outside. He must have been asleep for hours – it had been light when he'd been put to bed… when Kurt had carried him up the stairs. _Kurt._ He turned over carefully, relieved when he saw him sound asleep. Blaine's heart was beating frantically and he was sweating. Very carefully, he got out of bed. He needed to walk, needed to calm down. But more than anything, he knew what he needed to do. He slipped out of the room and down the stairs, into Kurt's bathroom. He was on his knees and reaching for every razor blade he'd hidden. For some reason, there weren't many there. He sighed then picked up the ones he had and threw them in a bin. Blaine got back onto his knees, reaching around the back of the sink and inside the bath panels. He knew they were there _somewhere._

"Looking for these?"

He turned to see Burt stood in the doorway, a small bag of razors in his hands. He didn't look angry, just… disappointed. Blaine stood up slowly.

"It's n-not what you think Mr Hummel," he said quietly.

"Blaine, you can't keep doing this."

"Please, _please _listen to me," he said, "You have to let me explain."

"Okay, okay," Burt said, raising his hands in surrender. "Come upstairs. I'll make a pot of tea or something and we'll ignore the fact it's three in the morning."

Blaine nodded and followed him up the stairs. Ten minutes later found him and Burt sitting opposite each other at the dining table, both holding steaming mugs of tea in their hands.

"What were you doing Blaine?" Burt asked eventually.

"I… I had a nightmare. It terrified me."

"Do you mind me asking what the nightmare was about?"

Blaine shook his head. "Of course not sir, but I don't really understand it myself." Burt nodded at him and he continued. "I was just… there… in pain. I don't know what was happening. It was hard to see. After a while I started walking, but I fell over something. When I looked it was Kurt. He was just lying there. Then I saw the slashes on his face and on his wrists, and the blood all around him. I thought he'd been attacked… you know, like before." Burt's face darkened and Blaine bit his lip. "But, then I saw the knife in his hands and I realised he'd hurt himself. Then… then I woke up."

"And you decided to… repeat what you did earlier?"

He shook his head. "No sir. When I saw Kurt like that it… it really hurt me. I was so scared he was dead, even though it was just a dream. I've realised that I'm hurting him. I don't remember much of earlier, but I remember how scared Kurt sounded. I hate myself for doing that to him. So I was going to throw them all away."

Blaine was crying now. Burt reached over and patted his hand gently. For once, Blaine didn't flinch at the contact.

"Listen to me kiddo," Burt said. "We don't blame you. I won't lie to you, what you've done has seriously hurt my boy – it's hurt all of us, but it's hurt him a lot more… more than he's letting on."

"I'm so sorry Mr Hummel-"

"Blaine for the last time, will you _please _call me Burt. Look, you've hurt Kurt. You need to realise why though."

"I don't understand what you mean."

"He loves you. When Kurt falls for someone, he _really _falls for them. I've never seen him so happy. You need to understand that he loves you. Okay kiddo?"

Blaine just nodded, biting his lip so he didn't let out a sob. "Thank you, sir… Burt."

He smiled and glanced at the younger boy's arms. "Does it hurt?" Blaine nodded. "Come on, I'll change your bandages. I'm not as good as Carole, but I know how to do it."

Again, he nodded. Blaine watched as Burt stood, picked up the first aid box and changed the bandages on his wrists. They both flinched at the wounds, but said nothing of it.

"Can I ask you a question?" Blaine said once he'd finished. Burt nodded. "What were you doing with those razors… and why are you awake so early?"

Burt gave a soft laugh, draining the rest of his tea from his mug. "I had a nightmare too. I've seen and heard a lot of crap today, stuff that I'll never forget in my life; Kurt's face when he told me everything, how broken he was, and seeing you on the floor. We… we thought you were dead, Blaine."

"I'm so sorry, Mr Hummel."

"Stop apologising kiddo, we're going to help you. I got up and went to the bathroom. Then I thought about watching TV for a bit, but thought I should go and get all the things that you could use to hurt yourself and throw them away. So I did. I was literally about to throw them into the bin when I heard someone coming down the stairs. I thought it was Carole, because she has work early, but then whoever it was went down to the basement. So I knew it was you."

"I'm-"

"Don't say you're sorry," Burt interrupted, smiling slightly. "Like I said, we're going to help you."

"Are you going to send me to a therapist?"

He hesitated. "I think so… Kurt can't do this alone. But I think we're going to send you both to someone, if that's what you want. He seems to think it'll be good if you go together. Of course, if you want to go alone that's fine. It's entirely up to you kiddo."

Blaine just nodded. They were silent for a few more seconds, before Burt suggested they go back to bed. They climbed the stairs in silence, neither one feeling the need to talk.

"Mr Hummel?" Blaine said when they reached Blaine's bedroom door. "Thank you."

"Blaine, you're never going to have to thank me. I promise."

He nodded, said goodnight and slipped back into the bedroom. He couldn't help but hope that Kurt was asleep. He wasn't.

"Where the hell did you go?"

"Shit," Blaine whispered, starting as he spoke. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Answer the god damn question Blaine."

"I had a nightmare so I went downstairs."

"Are you being serious?" He snapped. "Dammit Blaine, after what happened earlier, you've… show me your wrists."

"Kurt, you don't understand-"

"Blaine, show me the fucking damage."

He rolled his eyes. Blaine moved and sat beside him on the bed, holding out his arms. Kurt frowned, taking his arms and turning them over gently.

"You have fresh bandaging…" He whispered, more to himself that anything. "You didn't do anything?" Blaine shook his head. "Then… I don't understand. Why did you go downstairs?"

"I had a nightmare. You'd hurt yourself… all your face and arms were cut, and there was a knife in your hands. I woke up and… I remembered how scared you sounded earlier, when you thought I was dead. The pain in your voice broke my heart; I never want to hear anything like that ever again. So, I went down to throw out all of the razors."

"Oh Blaine," Kurt said, his voice soft. He pulled Blaine into a tight embrace. "I'm so proud of you."

"Your dad beat me to it. He thought I was going to hurt myself, so we sat and drank tea for a while. We just… talked."

"You got my dad to drink tea?" Kurt repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Holy shit, he never drinks that stuff. I normally have to make him, because it's better for his heart but…"

"It was his idea… But I decided something Kurt. I want to go to therapy… with you."

"You do?" Kurt said, stunned. When Blaine nodded, he let out a sigh. "Are you sure you want me there as well?"

"Yes… You're the person I trust most Kurt. I'll need you there; you calm me down so easily. I… I know I'll have a complete breakdown when I talk about this, especially to someone I don't know. I know you won't want me there if you decide to talk to someone about what's happened to you, but I _need _you there with me."

"I'll be there. But I'm going to need you as well. Screw being the person I trust most, you're the _only _person I trust. I'll be with you every step of the way honey, okay? I promise you."

Blaine nodded and allowed Kurt to hold him in his arms, humming softly. Eventually, they fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

The loud, unwelcome sound of "It's My Life" blared from Kurt's phone. He cursed silently and reached out, answering it. He didn't even need to look to know who it was.

"What do you want Finn?" He snapped.

"_Dude, we did it! We won!"_

"You… won?" He repeated, bewildered. Then it sank in. "Oh! You got through to Nationals?"

"_No man," _He shouted over the noise behind him. "_We got through to Nationals. They're in New York… Kurt, we're going to New York!"_

"Oh my god," he whispered, no longer feeling sleepy. He made sure to stay quiet as to not wake Blaine. "We're going to New York! What time is it anyway? Where are you?"

"_It's four thirty. I'm on my way home man, everyone's here. I mean everyone – even the Warblers are here. They were awesome, and they aren't sore losers or anything! They want to see you both – Puck told them what happened yesterday."_

"I'm going to kill Noah Puckerman," Kurt hissed, rolling his eyes. "Why can't he keep his damn mouth shut?"

"_You know that isn't fair – Puck loves you both, he's worried. Anyway, we're just down the road. See you in a few!"_

The line went dead and Kurt sighed. He knew that he had to get up. It was half past four – he'd slept for most of the day! He knew they were all going to be loud and irritating. Not that he could blame them, but Blaine wasn't really up to visitors now… was he?

"Blaine? Honey wake up. We have to get up." He whispered, kissing his forehead softly. Blaine just groaned and tightened his arms on Kurt. "Come on sweetie. We're going to have visitors."

"Don't want," he murmured in a sleepy voice, not opening his eyes. "Want to stay here. Warm."

"I know honey, but they have good news. It's the glee club, and the Warblers are there too."

Blaine's brow furrowed. "The Warblers?" He repeated. "Why?"

"The New Directions beat them at Regionals, but I guess they wanted to see you, so decided to come back with Finn."

Blaine just groaned again and sat up slowly, yawning widely. "I look a mess – my hair's not even gelled."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Your hair looks lovely without gel in. Besides, they aren't going to care. We've been asleep all day; we're going to look rough."

He just shrugged and they dragged themselves out of bed. They heard the front door burst open, followed by a loud, excited babble of voices.

"KUUUUUURT" Finn bellowed. "We're here!"

"I know, I can hear that thanks!" Kurt yelled back, rolling his eyes. He gave Blaine a small smile, which was returned, and took his hand, leading him downstairs. Immediately, their friends ran and hugged them. Most of the girls were crying.

"Woah," Kurt said once they'd been released. "What's going on?" He asked Tina.

"We just can't believe you didn't get the chance to sing with us!"

"Yeah, I wanted my dolphins standing next to me." Brittany said tearfully. "It would have been perfect."

"You'll have plenty of opportunities to sing with us Britt," Blaine said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. She grinned broadly and threw her arms around him again.

"Thank you Blaine Warbler!"

As soon as she'd let go, the group dived into conversation about the competition. As far as they could tell, it had been an extremely close call.

"I'm obviously the reason we won, but everyone was absolutely brilliant-"

"Berry, don't rain on my parade. I'm accepting you at the minute, but I can still beat your ass."

"Don't say that!" said Mercedes, throwing a pillow at Santana. "Now she's going to start singing!"

"No she won't, otherwise I really _will _kick her ass. I may be a hand down, but I can still do it."

"How bad is your wrist?" Blaine said loudly, changing the subject as quickly as he could.

Santana just shrugged. "It was a pretty simple break. The doc's just said I have to keep this cast on. How're you tribrows? You scared us all yesterday."

He sighed, glancing at Kurt, who gave him an apologetic smile.

"I'm… I'd say I'm fine, but I don't want to lie to you. It's not easy and…"

He hesitated. Finn looked uncomfortable; he obviously knew what was on Blaine's mind. Kurt was watching him closely, as though ready to embrace and comfort him. Then, Blaine's eyes found Jeff's. Jeff knew what had happened and shook his head sadly.

"Oh Blaine," he said quietly. "You can't keep doing this."

"I know," he replied, bowing his head. Jeff let out a quiet sob and stood to pull his best friend into a tight hug.

"I love you Hobbit, remember that, yeah?"

"Woah, what the hell's going on?" Puck said, frowning. "What can't Blaine keep doing?"

"Puck, it isn't any of your business what he does in his spare time. It's-"

"It's fine," Blaine said, cutting off Kurt's words. "I… I think they have a right to know. After all, look at how much they've done for me, right?" When Kurt looked doubtful, he sighed and pulled him into a hug. "I want them to know. If I'm going to be telling a complete stranger about this, then why shouldn't I tell my friends?"

Kurt just nodded and gave him a gentle kiss. Blaine turned to Puck, biting his lip.

"I'm sort of… shit at explaining things. Almost as bad as I am at dealing with pain."

"I don't understand…"

"I'm just going to show you, okay? It's about time my bandages were changed anyway."

"I'll go and get the first aid kit…" Finn mumbled, leaving the room. Blaine watched him go and unwrapped the bandaging on his wrists, holding his breath. As expected, the room exploded.

"Blaine, how the hell could you do that to yourself?"

"Oh honey, what were you thinking?! You should have come to me, you poor boo!"

"Dude that's… that's not good man."

"What? Santana, why would my dolphin do this to himself? It looks painful. What's happening?!"

"I know, I know!" Blaine said, holding up his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, okay? I know I shouldn't have d-done it!"

"Then why did you?" Rachel demanded.

"It helped me," he snapped back, determined to meet her gaze. "But last night… Kurt found me on the floor, covered in blood and…"

"I thought you were dead," Kurt finished for him in a whisper.

"Yes. Carole helped clean me up. She said it was lucky Kurt found me when I did, otherwise I would have needed to go hospital."

The room was silent, obviously in shock. Finn returned, carrying his mother's first aid box. Blaine started to unravel some material for his bandaging, but Kurt slapped his hand away.

"I'm doing it," he said. Blaine couldn't help but notice he looked faint, but he nodded anyway. Kurt wrapped his arms back up as carefully as he could. "There, good as new… Sort of."

Blaine smiled his thanks and curled up into him on the sofa. The room was silent for a few more minutes before Nick asked the question that was obviously on everyone's minds.

"What happens now?" He said in the softest voice possible, as though he was trying not to spook Blaine.

"I'm going to therapy," he replied, surprised at how steady his voice was. "Kurt's coming with me for his… problems. We're both going to get better."

"Really?" he said, taken aback. "I'm impressed. Not many people are so ready to get better with stuff like this."

"I'm only doing it because I know how much it's hurting Kurt, and now I know how much it hurts all of you. I don't want to live with that on my conscience all the time."

Nick nodded and thankfully, no one said any more on the subject. They were all still relaxing in the living room when Burt and Carole came home. They were both shocked to see how many people were crammed into the one room.

"Um… what's going on?" Burt asked, looking around at them all.

"We won!" Finn said in an excited voice. "We got through to Nationals!"

"Way to go sport!" He said, clapping him on the shoulder. "Congratulations you lot… Oh, and sorry to you guys," he added to the Warblers, who laughed and reassured him it was fine.

"We're going to come and watch you lot in New York anyway!" Thad said, grinning.

"You are?" said Rachel, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course we are! You're our friends… right? We're going to cheer you on every step of the way."

She stared at him in shock. Santana, unable to hide her amusement, cracked up laughing, wiping the tears away from her eyes as she did so.

"Oh my god, this is perfect!" She wheezed.

"What?" Rachel snapped, turning to her.

"The look on your face is _priceless! _What, did you actually think show choirs don't get on at all? You take things way too seriously Rachel. You need to lighten up a bit!"

Rachel rolled her eyes, not having the courage to retort.

Eventually, the mass of people left. The Warblers all agreed on a day out with Blaine, once his father's trial and his mother's funeral was out of the way. He agreed, feeling that it'd be nice to spend time with them again.

"I love you," Kurt said, leaning against the doorway, his eyes on Blaine.

"I love you too," he replied, grinning slightly.

"You seem a lot happier now."

"It's amazing what friends can do, right?" Kurt just nodded at him. "I'm so glad we won."

"We're going to Nationals – New York baby. Maybe we can visit Cooper."

Blaine frowned, thinking. What was it Rose had said the previous day?

"He's coming to Ohio," he said after a few minutes, "On Monday, for mamma's funeral and my father's trial."

"Oh!" Kurt said, smiling. "That's good then, right? You can introduce me!"

Blaine nodded, a little nervous. "Yeah, I can… I'm sure he'll like you."

"Boys, can you come in here!" Carole's voice called from the kitchen. Kurt and Blaine glanced at each other and walked into the kitchen, where she and Burt were sat around the dining table. They sat down beside each other, opposite the other two.

"We've been talking," Burt said, "Carole's friend is a psychiatrist. She's agreed to let you both come to her for half the price."

"Don't worry, she's brilliant," Carole said softly. "She helped me when Finn's father passed away."

"Right," Kurt said quietly. "Um… when are we going?"

"Well, that's what we wanted to ask you. She said she can start when you want."

"I'll go whenever Blaine wants to."

"Blaine?"

Blaine looked up at Carole and Burt, chewing his lip. He was thinking hard. "Well… Cooper's coming to town on Monday, so I guess he'll want to spend the day with me. The t-trial is next Wednesday, so that wouldn't be good. I want mamma's funeral to be soon, probably on Friday or Saturday. What about the Monday after that? We c-could go after school or something?"

Burt and Carole nodded, smiling.

"That sounds good kiddo. But… are you both going to be alright until then?"

"Yes," said Kurt. "I will. I've… I've lived with this for long enough, another week and a few days won't be too bad."

"I will too," Blaine whispered. "If… If I feel the urge to c-cut, I'll tell Kurt. I promise."

"There's something else too," Burt said. They couldn't help but notice that he looked uncomfortable now. "Um… I know you're a couple. And I know you like sleeping next to each other. So… if you want to share a room, it's fine. Obviously we'll keep both bedrooms the way they are, but… we won't ask you to sleep separately, not if you don't want to."

"You'd do that for us dad?"

Burt nodded. "You said to me that you both sleep better when you're together. I only want what's best – for _both _of you."

"Thank you so much Mr Hummel," Blaine managed to whisper. Burt rolled his eyes but ruffled his curls.

"Go on you two, go and do… whatever. Dinner will be ready soon."

They stood up and left. Both of them felt slightly happier – they'd won a place in Nationals, they were going to get help, Blaine was going to see Cooper, his father would be locked away, and Karofsky would be caught and made to pay for what he did to Kurt.

"Blaine?" Kurt said once they were alone in his basement bedroom, lying entwined on the bed.

"Yes?"

"Do you suddenly feel like everything's going to get a lot better?"

"Yes," he admitted. "I do. Why, don't you?"

"Of course I do. But… I think I'm just happy right now."

"Can I ask why?"

A small smile spread across Kurt's lips. "I'm here with you."

"You're going soft Kurt," Blaine whispered. Kurt flicked his nose playfully. "Okay, ow. Sorry!"

"I'll still kick your ass."

"I don't doubt it. But can we just stay like this for now? I feel relaxed, like I can just… be."

Kurt nodded, pulling him closer. He planted a gentle kiss on his lips. Yes, it looked as though things were finally starting to look better for the two of them.


	17. A Place To Have A Home

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **The song is, obviously, not mine. It belongs to the wonderful Darren Criss.

* * *

**Chapter 17: A Place To Have A Home**

* * *

"But you haven't told me anything yet!" Blaine said, sighing.

"_I know I haven't little bro, but all will be revealed! I promise you."_

"Why can't you just tell me where you want to take me?"

He could almost see his brother rolling his eyes at the phone. "_But then it wouldn't be a surprise!"_

"Coop, the last surprise you gave me was a dead rat in a box, when I was five. I don't think I could deal with that kind of trauma again."

Cooper burst out laughing and Blaine smiled. _"Oh man, I remember that! The look on your face was priceless. But you threw that thing at my face; you can't hold it against me forever. I was young as well!"_

"You were twelve years old; you can't blame what you did on being young. Stop changing the subject Coop, tell me where you're taking me!"

"_No! That police woman, Rose – very nice, by the way – told me that you're staying with Kurt's family. I can pick you up from their house. What time does your counselling session finish?"_

"Well, she's coming to Kurt's house, after we've been to glee. Carole said it'll be about an hour and a half, maybe two hours. Why don't you come around at six? That'll be okay, won't it?"

"_Six is perfect little bro. Will you introduce me to Kurt? I want to invite him out with us."_

"Um…"

"_Aw, come on! I want to meet the boy that's captured your heart! I should meet him and his family!"_

"Maybe, it depends – don't attack them or anything, even if it's your 'big brother' attack where you want to protect me."

Cooper gave a low chuckle. _"Now why in the world would I attack them?"_

Blaine rolled his eyes. "Because you're Cooper Anderson, it's what you do. Look, I gotta go. I don't want to be late – back to school and all…"

"_I get you Blainey, don't worry. I'll see you at six. Hey, do you think Rose likes Italian food? She seemed really into me, and she's hot-"_

"Cooper, I don't want to know…"

"_Aw, sure you do! Okay, I know she isn't hot to you because boys turn you on, not girls, but still, you can't deny she's attractive! Besides, I wanna know about the ass you're getting from Kurt, why don't you wanna know about this?"_

"Bye Coop."

Blaine ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket. It was strange, how Cooper managed to cheer him up, even when he was teasing him. Blaine looked up at William McKinley High School and sighed. For some reason, he felt even more nervous that he had done on his first day. He wasn't entirely sure why though – there was no way Karofsky was coming back, and he was the main threat at the school. He shuddered.

It was Monday morning – he and Kurt had spent the entire weekend at home, distracting each other from what was to come. They had succeeded during the day time, but Blaine still seemed to have countless nightmares, which made him think about… things. Just the previous day, he'd confessed that he needed to cut. Kurt immediately set about making him feel better, curling up in bed watching cheesy romance films, doing anything to take his mind off things.

"Hey, you all done with your phone call to Cooper?"

Blaine looked up to see Kurt leaning against the door of his car. He nodded, taking in his boyfriend's appearance. Kurt looked tired, there was no denying it. After all, who could blame him? He'd spent most of the night with his arms around Blaine, whispering comforting words in his ear. In all honesty, Blaine felt guilty – it wasn't fair to put Kurt and his family through so much stress.

"What did he say?" Kurt asked, bringing Blaine out of his reverie.

"Not a lot. He's picking me up from your house at six tonight – that police officer told him where you lived. He wants to meet you and your family though."

"He does?" Kurt said a little nervously. Blaine nodded. "Why?"

"Because you're my boyfriend," he replied simply. Kurt beamed at the comment.

"Hey, you guys better get moving," Mike Chang called to them across the parking lot. "You know McHale will murder you if you're late! She's been doing her nut in, going on about how many lessons you've missed."

"We'll be there soon Mike," Blaine said back. Mike nodded and walked away. "You don't think we've missed a lot, do you? Oh god, what if we never catch up?"

"Shut up Blaine," Kurt said, taking his hand and rolling his eyes. "You're amazing at maths. You could pass this year in your sleep… although you _could _help me with Pythagoras' Theorem. I hear you know a lot about triangles-"

"Leave my eyebrows out of this Kurt Hummel. Don't make me punch you."

"_Please, _like you could hurt me."

"If I remember correctly, you told me I could throw a good punch."

"Oh fuck, I did. Dammit," Kurt pouted, making Blaine grin. "Oh well, I'd still kick your ass. Come on, let's go."

Blaine nodded. Neither of them could help but notice how everyone was staring at them as they walked through the parking lot.

"I think everyone knows," Blaine whispered. Kurt looked at him and nodded slowly, but didn't say anything. "Shit, I don't do well with pressure."

"You aren't under pressure. Just ignore them all, okay? You have me, you have Cooper, and you have your friends. You're fine, you're safe."

Blaine just nodded. They reached the main hallway and stopped in their tracks. Both pairs of eyes moved to the row of lockers. The bell rang and the hallways emptied, but neither of them seemed to be able to move. Kurt was cold and felt sick but Blaine… his chest was tight and he could barely breathe. His grip on Kurt's hand was tight and he was shaking. He turned to Kurt, his eyes wide.

"Do something!" He managed to gasp.

Kurt didn't even think about it. He pulled the other boy towards him and pressed their lips together. Blaine calmed down immediately, his panic attack disappearing before it had even started.

"_Ahem."_

They turned to see Mr Schue stood in front of them, arms folded across his chest. He attempted to look stern, but there was a smile on his face.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't see that boys," he said playfully. "But get to class. I know for a fact you're both supposed to be in maths right now."

"And Mrs McHale is going to kick our asses," muttered Kurt, rolling his eyes.

"No she won't, just tell her I asked to see you both."

"Will she believe it?" asked Blaine.

Mr Schue shrugged. "If not, tell her to come and talk to me. I'll see you boys in glee later, alright?"

They nodded and walked away, hands still entwined. It was only when they reached their maths classroom, they realised how late they were.

"And where the hell have you boys been? The bell rang _ten minutes ago._ You have both missed too many lessons to afford to be late to my class! It's like you don't want to pass!"

"We're sorry," Blaine mumbled, his eyes fixed on the floor. He attempted to move to his seat, but Kurt held him back, refusing to let go of his hand.

"Wait a minute," Kurt said, drawing himself to full height, glaring at their teacher. "I get the fact we're late and you're pissed off, but we have a good reason."

"Oh, I'd like to hear this," she snapped, putting her book on the desk and turning to face them both.

"I know we've missed lessons, but it couldn't be helped," he said, ignoring Blaine's nudges to their seats. "I know everyone here knows what happened last Wednesday, and why Blaine and I weren't in school. I _know _that everyone knows why Karofsky isn't in school. Everyone knows what he did last week. So _excuse us _for taking a few days off, after he attacked us. Excuse us for walking past our lockers, where the god damn attack happened, and remembering it."

The entire class was watching Kurt, mouths open and eyes wide in shock. Blaine had stopped trying to pull him away and was watching him, chewing on his lip. Mrs McHale, their teacher, was staring at him as though she had never seen him before. Kurt, however, wasn't finished and carried on talking, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I apologise dearly that we're ten minutes late to your precious lesson, because we were remembering what that big ugly bastard did to us."

He turned and moved to the back of the room, sitting beside Mike. Blaine sat down on his other side, his gaze still fixed on Kurt. The rest of the class were staring at them, sitting in a stunned silence. Mrs McHale seemed to compose herself, because she picked up her book and carried on talking, as though nothing had happened. Once he was certain she was no longer paying any attention to them, Blaine spoke.

"Damn," he whispered to Kurt, taking hold of his hand again.

"What?"

"That was… wow."

He raised an eyebrow but Blaine blushed and turned away. Mike seemed to understand – he let out a low laugh and leaned in to whisper in Kurt's ear.

"He thinks it was hot."

Kurt burst out laughing at this, earning him a disapproving look from their teacher. He glanced at Blaine, whose face was still red. "Cutie pie," he whispered, giving him a wink. Blaine couldn't help but grin, especially when he felt Kurt's hand on his leg. He bit his lip, determined not to say anything.

* * *

"Is it true, did they run Dave out of school?"

"No man, I heard Karofsky attacked them! He broke that lesbian cheerleader's wrist."

"Santana Lopez?"

"Yeah, that's her!"

"Oh look, there they are!"

The cafeteria went silent and every person in the room turned to stare at Kurt and Blaine. They both turned and sat at their usual table with the rest of the glee club, not bothering to get any food. As soon as they were sat down, the noise started again.

"I heard Hummel cried!"

"No fucking way!"

"Yeah, that's what I heard… but apparently Dave beat the shit out of the nerdy one, and he's dating Kurt."

"Oh my god, how did that geek get _Kurt Hummel?_ He's hot!"

"Yes but he's gay."

A low growl escaped Kurt's throat, his eyes flicking to the table beside theirs. The group of people – cheerleaders and jocks, stared right back at him. After a few minutes, they lowered their gaze.

"They aren't even bothering to keep their voices down," Kurt hissed.

"I know honey," Blaine said quietly. "Just keep your head up."

"Yeah, we know the truth," Mercedes said. "You've never normally let stuff like this bother you."

Kurt raised an eyebrow but before he could reply, another voice interrupted him.

"Kurt Hummel," Jacob Israel said, forcing his way into the seat between Kurt and Blaine. "Care to comment on what happened on Wednesday?"

"Fuck off Jewfro," Kurt snapped.

Jacob rolled his eyes and turned his recorder to Blaine. "What about you Blaine Anderson? The entire school's talking about it – we know that you had to take the rest of the week off school to recover from what he did to you. Want to explain?"

"No," Blaine said in a quiet voice.

"Okay, well what's this about your father's trial on Wednesday? Is it true he used to beat you-?"

"Listen you _pinchazo poco flaco_, leave Blaine alone," Santana said, getting to her feet and standing over Jacob. "You can ask about his relationship with Kurt all you want, but you do _not _bring his family into this!"

"I didn't-"

"Get out of here," Sam said, joining Santana. "No one wants you here."

"I-"

"GO!"

He stood and hurried away, bowing his head. Santana sat back down, eyes on Blaine.

"You okay hobbit?" He nodded, but she wasn't convinced. "I'm serious! Do you… need anything?"

"I'm fine," Blaine whispered. "Who'd have thought, Santana Lopez, asking if someone's alright."

She flashed a grin. "Wanky."

Blaine rolled his eyes and turned to Kurt. "I'm going to French. Are you coming?"

"Um… we still have half an hour."

"I know. I'm just fed up all the staring."

Kurt nodded and stood up. "I get it," he said. "Come on."

Blaine took his hand. They said goodbye to the others and walked out of the cafeteria, painfully aware of the stares they were getting. The French classroom was empty when they got there, which they were both grateful for.

"How are you holding up?" Kurt asked, sitting on top of a table and pulling Blaine closer to him.

"Not well," he admitted. "I really, really want to do it…"

He sighed. "I know honey. But this is why we're talking to someone. You've admitted to me that it's not good, and we're going to help you get better."

"I know," he whispered, allowing himself to relax in Kurt's arms. "I'm just shit at dealing with things."

"You aren't. You're the bravest person I know. Blaine… you're mamma would be so proud."

Blaine's breath hitched, but he gave a small smile. "I hope so… I want her to be. I-"

The rest of his sentence was cut off. Kurt closed the distance between their lips, kissing Blaine passionately. Blaine smiled into the kiss, his hands on Kurt's hips. Heat spread through his body like fire and soon, he was pulling away.

"What?" Kurt whined.

"I… um, we should stop… before I get… yeah."

"What do you…" He began, but then stopped. He looked down at Blaine's trousers, a grin spreading across his face slowly. "Yeah, we probably should stop. But um… yeah."

Blaine looked down and burst out laughing, seeing Kurt in the same state as him. "Oh god… we're both… we should probably sit down."

"Yeah…"

They sat on the back row of the classroom, giggling. One by one, their classmates entered. Most of them stared at Kurt and Blaine, and the others just ignored them. Their teacher told them that he had graded their essays and he wanted them to go over them in pairs. Both Kurt and Blaine were thrilled by this – in their eyes, it was a lesson to do nothing. Blaine was fluent in French and Kurt knew he'd tutor him.

"Where do you think Cooper's taking you tonight?"

"Je n'ai absolument aucune idée. Il veut que tu viennes avec nous."

"Blaine you know I have no idea what you're saying… English please?"

"Kurt, c'est une leçon de français - pourquoi, dans le monde, je parlerai en anglais?" Blaine said in an innocent voice. Kurt pouted and hit him with one of their textbooks. He laughed loudly, earning him a glare from their teacher.

"I'm serious!"

"Moi aussi."

Kurt rolled his eyes. He didn't reply, instead opening his text book and reading something. Blaine watched him for a few minutes before moving his eyes to his essay. Maybe he'd pissed Kurt off… Well shit. Within half an hour, Blaine had read his essay and hadn't found a single flaw – he knew he wouldn't, considering he was fluent in the god damn language.

Kurt looked up from his text book, obviously pleased about something. He managed to catch Blaine's eye and spoke.

"Blaine, alors vous allez toujours autour de moi ont besoin d'apprendre le français parce que c'est important ou peu importe ... Donc, je viens de faire exactement cela! Mais bien sûr, je pourrais utiliser un peu d'aide avec quelques cours plus tard ... Peut-être avec une autre chose en français, si vous obtenez ma dérive?

Blaine's jaw dropped.

"Kurt… You… I... What?" He spluttered, but he was interrupted by a furious voice.

"Kurt Hummel," the voice said. They looked up to see their teacher standing over them. "You are _not _in this class to talk about French kissing – you're here to learn the French_ language_."

"I'm aware of that," Kurt replied coolly. "And I just learned a sentence in French, did I not?"

"Yes, but-"

"Well there you have it," He interrupted, smirking. Their teacher rolled his eyes and walked away. As soon as he'd disappeared, Blaine burst out laughing.

"I… Um… I'll take you up that offer later… Well, after Cooper's gone."

Kurt winked at him. They didn't do any more work for the remaining half hour of the lesson. When the bell rang, they headed to the choir room hand in hand. They were slightly surprised that it was empty when they got there.

"Rachel's going to be a nightmare," Kurt whispered, taking a seat.

"I know," Blaine replied, sitting beside him. "But we have to let them celebrate. They've been so worried about us; they haven't had a proper chance to enjoy their victory."

Kurt smiled. "You're always thinking about others before yourself… such a gentleman."

"Shut up," Blaine said as the others entered.

"Blaine, sup man?" Artie said, wheeling to his side and giving him a high five. Blaine couldn't help but laugh.

"Hey Kurt," said Puck, sitting beside him. "Any better now?"

He shrugged. "I guess so – just fed up with all the staring."

"I get you dude, it sucks ass. But don't worry, something else will happen and then that's what everyone will be gossiping about. You know how it works around here."

"Hey guys," Mr Schue said, entering the room. "First off, welcome back Kurt and Blaine. It's so good to see you both here." Blaine flushed and Kurt laughed, nudging his shoulder gently. "Secondly, _well done! _We're going to Nationals… We're going to New York!"

The glee club burst into applause and started cheering. Blaine realised that he'd been right – they hadn't had the chance to celebrate their victory properly because they'd been so worried about their friends.

"Now, I know _some _of us are eager to get started on our set list for Nationals," Mr Schue continued when the noise had died down. It didn't escape anyone's notice that he glanced at Rachel when he spoke. "But I thought for today, we can relax. I don't know if anyone has something they want to perform or…"

"I do!" Rachel said enthusiastically, jumping to her feet. The New Directions groaned in unison.

"So do I," Blaine said quietly… yet somehow, everyone heard him. Rachel sat down immediately, her eyes wide.

"Go ahead Blaine," Mr Schue said, taking a seat.

Blaine got to his feet and moved to sit at the piano, his fingers brushing over the keys without pressing them down. He glanced up at Kurt, who was watching him closely. He closed his eyes and pressed down on the keys.

"_Home, I've heard the word before,_

_But it's never meant much more_

_Than just a thing I've never had_

_A place, they say 'hey, know your place'_

_But I've never had a place to even know_

_Or a face that I could go to_

_If I needed someone there."_

Kurt's heart clenched. Blaine looked lost… he was just a boy, pouring his heart and soul into the song he was singing. He didn't recognise the song, so no doubt Blaine had written it himself. The lyrics seemed to hurt more than anything. The rest of the New Directions were either watching Blaine, or Kurt, who was close to tears.

"_I'm laughing_

_It's hard to hide a smile_

_My god, it's been a while_

_Since I have had a reason to_

_To think, it's been here all along_

_Somewhere to belong and a reason_

_Something to believe in_

_I've finally found it_

_A place where I'm wanted _

_This must be how it feels to have a home."_

Blaine paused for a fraction of a second. He opened his eyes and glanced at Kurt, a small smile on his face. Kurt was pretty sure his heart stopped completely. Blaine was… beautiful. He closed his eyes again as he began the bridge, his voice laced with emotion.

"_I used to dream about it_

_But never schemed or counted_

_On fantasies or wishes_

_It breaks a man to see what he misses_

_For so many nights I'd pray_

_For a better life, a better day_

_But I never thought that it'd come true_

_It's finally here and I don't know what to do_

_And I'm trying not to cry_

_This must be how it feels to have a home."_

He stopped singing and allowed his fingers to glide across the keys effortlessly. At first, it seemed like he was finished. Rachel certainly seemed to think so, because she jumped to her feet and started clapping. Then, the music seemed to build up again. Blaine's eyes were still tightly shut – he didn't even notice Rachel's outburst. It was as though he'd forgotten he was in a room full of people.

"_I've finally made it_

_I've hoped and I've waited_

_And for the first time in my life_

_I don't feel so alone_

_My heart starts to heal_

_To know this is real _

_This is how it must feel _

_To have a home."_

Blaine finished the song with a huge note that seemed to go on forever. When he was finished, he opened his eyes and breathed out a long sigh. All of the girls were crying – Brittany was actually holding on to Santana to keep herself upright. To Blaine's surprise, Mr Schue, Artie, Mike and Sam seemed to be on the verge of tears, but were fighting them back. Then, he moved his gaze to his boyfriend. Kurt's face was glazed with tears and he was smiling. When Blaine smiled back, Kurt leapt from his seat and threw his arms around him. The sheer force of it made him slide off the piano bench – they landed in a heap on the floor, oblivious to the cries of shock behind them.

"Ow," Blaine said, laughing. He pushed Kurt off him and sat up. "I didn't expect that…"

"Oh Blaine, that was beautiful," Kurt said softly. "Seriously it was… amazing. Did you write it?"

Blaine nodded and got to his feet, pulling Kurt up with him.

"I didn't know you could write songs," Brittany said.

"Britt, we found that out weeks ago."

"Yes, but I thought it was songs like twinkle, twinkle little star."

Santana rolled her eyes fondly at Brittany.

"Blaine?" Mr Schue said, moving to stand beside them. "Can I ask why you wanted to sing that?"

"Um… well… I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I mean, I fit in at Dalton fine, but I was bullied a lot by one person, who was in the Warblers… so I couldn't really do anything. My friends knew but they couldn't do anything either." He stopped and sighed. "But it's different here. I found that out last week. I know I'm not exactly popular at this school, but I have friends… and um…" He stopped, flushing scarlet.

"Go on," Mr Schue said gently. "No one's going to judge you in this room. Surely you've realised that by now?"

"No, I know, it's just um… I feel like I'm home when I'm with Kurt. I've never had that feeling before."

Before anyone could say anything, Kurt threw his arms around Blaine again, pulling him into a tight hug. "You're too sweet for your own good Blaine," he whispered in his ear. Blaine flushed again and grinned.

They passed the rest of their time singing. There was nothing competitive about it; they were just singing to enjoy themselves, just because they could. By the end of it, Quinn admitted that it was the first time she'd sung for fun in months.

Mercedes, Sam, Puck and Finn walked with Kurt and Blaine to the parking lot, chattering happily.

"See you tomorrow guys," Mercedes said cheerfully. "You ready Sam?"

He nodded, smiling. "Good luck tonight you guys."

"With what – the counselling or my brother?" Blaine asked.

"Both I guess," Sam replied, laughing. "Hey Blaine, if you need anything, just text me. The same goes for you Kurt, just get my number from Blaine's phone or something."

"Will do… thanks Sam."

He waved Kurt's words away and walked towards his car with Mercedes. Puck said goodbye to them all, heading towards his motorbike.

"I'm guessing you're riding with us?" Kurt asked Finn, who nodded.

"I got a ride with Rachel this morning, but she's going out with her dads… That's okay, isn't it?"

"Of course it is you oversized buffoon," he said jokingly.

"Shotgun!"

"You're in the back."

"Aw, that's not fair." Finn whined.

"Yeah it is; boyfriends trump shotgun every time. Back, now."

Finn pulled a face and climbed into the backseat. Blaine burst out laughing and got into the passenger side. They drove with the radio on, singing cheerfully. When they reached the Hudson-Hummel household, Finn dived out of the car, complaining he was 'wasting away'.

"You ready for this?" Blaine asked Kurt, "Because if not we can reschedule."

"We're not rescheduling this Blaine," he replied, even though he looked like he wanted nothing more. "We already brought it forward by a week because you wanted to cut. We have to do this… we have to get better."

"Right."

Neither one of them made to move. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Kurt eventually breaking it.

"Can I ask you something?" Blaine nodded. "When did you write that song?"

"Um… yesterday…"

"You… you wrote… _yesterday?!"_

"Well, the lyrics, yeah… I made the tune up on the spot." He shrugged. "I know it sounded awful but I really wanted you to hear it."

"Awful? Are you fucking kidding me?" Kurt said, his voice raising an octave. "Jesus Christ Blaine, if you can make something like that up on the spot, I want to know what the hell you can do when you practise something."

Blaine flushed. "Th-thanks."

"I'm serious. You have no idea how talented you are." He stopped, looking up at his front door. Burt was stood there, beckoning them inside. "You ready for this?"

"No," Blaine admitted. "But like you said… we need to get better."

"Yes, we do."

They got out of the car and headed inside the house, hand in hand. Burt told them that they could have the living room, as Finn was upstairs and he and Carole were heading out. They nodded and sat down on the sofa, waiting. Burt and Carole left, promising to be back in an hour at the most. After a few minutes, a woman entered. She sat opposite them and smiled.

"Hello," she said cheerfully. "I'm Julia. Who wants to start?"

"I will," Blaine said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

* * *

**Translations: **

_**Pinchazo poco flaco - **_

**Skinny little prick (Spanish)**

_**Je n'ai absolument aucune idée. Il veut que tu viennes avec nous –**_

**I have absolutely no idea. He wants you to come with us.**

_**Kurt, c'est une leçon de français - pourquoi, dans le monde, je parlerai en anglais? -**_

**Kurt, this is a French lesson - why in the world would I speak in English?**

_**Moi aussi –**_

**Me too**

_**Blaine, alors vous allez toujours autour de moi ont besoin d'apprendre le français parce que c'est important ou peu importe ... Donc, je viens de faire exactement cela! Mais bien sûr, je pourrais utiliser un peu d'aide avec quelques cours plus tard ... Peut-être avec une autre chose en français, si vous obtenez ma dérive? -**_

**Blaine, so you're always going on about me needing to learn French because it's important or whatever... So I've just done exactly that! But of course, I could use some help with some tutoring later... Maybe with another French thing, if you get my drift?**


	18. Vulnerable

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note:** This is the chapter that contains flashbacks of rape and sexual abuse. It was so hard to write and I was in tears as I did it, so I apologise in advance.

* * *

**Chapter 18: Vulnerable**

* * *

Julia nodded at Blaine and opened her notebook, pen at the ready.

"Do you want Kurt in here with you?" She asked softly. When he nodded, she gave an encouraging smile. "Okay. Now, if you want to take a break at any time, just let me know and we'll stop. The same goes for you Kurt; if you need to leave, just go. You're both going to be feeling very vulnerable, and that's understandable."

Kurt nodded to show he understood. He gave Blaine's hand a gentle squeeze.

"Now Blaine, I'd like you to tell me exactly how you're feeling right now."

"H-How I'm feeling?" He repeated, looking up at her. "Um… scared, I suppose."

"Of?"

"You… What's going to happen, now and on Wednesday…I don't know really."

"Okay, so why are you afraid of me?"

"I don't know you. I… I'm not good when it comes to opening up to people. I know you're a professional and all, but I'm just… shit when it comes to talking to people."

"Sometimes, not knowing a person helps. I can't judge you in any way, _because _I don't know you. Believe me Blaine; anything you say won't shock me. Now, Wednesday is your father's trial, yes?" He nodded. "If he gets sent to prison, how will you feel?"

Blaine was silent. He hadn't really allowed himself to think about what would happen after Wednesday – the only thing on his mind was the fact his father would be _there. _

"Relieved I suppose. That makes me sound like such a bad person, oh my god," he said, burying his face in his hands. "What kind of person says that about their own father? But… but he _hurt _me, and he hurt my mamma… he's the reason she's g-gone." His hands balled into fists. "I didn't realise how much I hated him until now."

"It's okay," Julia said softly. "Let it out Blaine. Just talk to me."

So that's what Blaine did. He surprised himself as well as the other two. He spoke for what felt like hours, to him at least. He told her about how much he _loathed _himself for doing what he did and for hurting Kurt. He hated himself for not being able to stand up to his father and stop him and the years of abuse, how he put on a brave face in school, how he put all of his energies into his studies; that way, by the time he got home, he was so exhausted and was able to take his father's rage without too much hassle. He tried as hard as he could to explain why he'd cut himself – he spoke about how it had distracted him from the ache inside him, the burn of losing his mother. He didn't want to die, only to be in pain.

Kurt was crying at this point, but he chewed on the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from speaking. What Blaine had done was stupid, he knew it. But at the same time, he understood. Kurt had been down the same road as him, and he knew that physical pain was easier to deal with than emotional pain. But it didn't make it right.

Afterwards, Blaine spoke about his nightmares, and how much they terrified him. But he told them how they'd changed. They were no longer about him; now he dreamt about Kurt being hurt, or losing Kurt, or Kurt not wanting him anymore because of what he did, or Kurt just disappearing, without a trace. Blaine stopped, realising what he'd said. All he ever dreamed about was _Kurt._

"Oh," he said softly. "_Oh."_

"Yes?" Julia prompted a small smile on her face. _She knew. _

"I'm in love with Kurt. That's what they're telling me?"

"Well… yes, in a way. It's natural to dream about someone when you love them, but because of everything that's been going on, you're still getting nightmares. The two of them have combined; if you hadn't met Kurt, then you would be suffering from nightmares about your mother, your father and yourself. But, if none of this had happened, you would be dreaming about Kurt and there'd be nothing bad about it."

"So… because everything's gone to shit, they've combined?" She nodded. "Damn."

"Now Blaine," Julia said, reaching into her bag and pulling out a form. "I'm going to write you a prescription. They're not anti-depressants, don't worry. From what I can tell, you _aren't _depressed."

"I'm not?"

"No, you're just… well; you're in a really bad place. If you didn't have Kurt and his family, I think you _would _be suffering from depression." His eyes lit up and she smiled. "These are just sleeping pills. From what you've told me, you're afraid to go to sleep. You worry about what you're going to dream about, and this in itself is a cause of your nightmares. The best thing you can do before you go to sleep is make a mental list of all the good things in your life. Think about your reasons to be happy – you've admitted to me that you like writing songs. I'm guessing music is an outlet for you?" Blaine nodded. "Well, think about the kinds of songs you can write. If it helps, actually _write _the songs. Tell you what, I'll give you some… well, not homework, but a task. Write a song by next week for me. It can be about anything you want, but I'd like to know you've done one. You don't have to perform it for me, don't worry," she added, seeing his face. "But I'd like to read it. Is that okay?"

"Yes," Blaine said a genuine smile on his face. "Is it weird that I actually feel better?"

Julia laughed. "Oh Blaine, you have no idea how many times I've heard that question. No, it's not weird. These sessions are meant to make you feel better. They're supposed to help."

"Good, because it has," he said.

"I'm glad," she replied, handing him the form she'd finished writing. "Just take this to the pharmacy on Queens Street. They'll give you your tablets and another form for you to hand in next time."

Blaine nodded and took the form from her, scanning it quickly. It didn't _seem _so scary. He turned to Kurt, smiling.

"You okay?" He whispered. Kurt gave a stiff nod, not quite meeting Blaine's eyes. He was petrified.

"Okay…" Julia said, turning her notebook to a clean page. "Kurt?"

"What?" He snapped.

"It's your turn… how are you feeling right now?"

"Pissed off; this is fucking pointless."

Blaine's heart sank. He _knew _that voice. Kurt was putting his walls up, the way he always did when he was emotional. He didn't let anyone see who he really was except for Blaine. Luckily, Julia was a patient woman. She scribbled something down in her notebook, and then looked back up at Kurt. She didn't say anything – her years of work had taught her not to. Kurt would speak in his own time. Blaine just sat in silence, looking down at their hands, still entwined.

"I don't understand how this is going to help," he said after a few minutes. "It's just talking. I've spoken to Blaine so many times about this. He knows everything… if talking to him hasn't helped my nightmares, then why would it be any different with you?"

"Because I'm a professional, Blaine isn't. I know he's done everything he can for you, but he hasn't had training. Right now, I can tell you're scared, but you don't want to admit it. You'd only admit it to Blaine."

"How do you-?"

"Professional," she said, smiling. Kurt even managed to smile back.

"Fine… Where do you want me to begin?"

"How about the locker room, when it started?"

"Okay…" Kurt said, closing his eyes. "Karofsky's always bullied me. He always knew I was gay, because it started in freshman year. The bullying I mean… He'd toss me in dumpsters, throw slushies in my face, and shove me into lockers. It was pretty bad. I couldn't walk down the hallways without someone calling me a fag, but it was nearly always him. Most of the school bullied me, but Karofsky was the worst. Um… well one day, after years of it… I'd had enough. I hadn't been doing anything wrong. I was just stood at my locker, texting Mercedes, when he grabbed my phone, threw it to the floor and slammed me into the locker. I followed him to the boy's locker room and I just started yelling at him. I was so angry… I wanted to know what his fucking problem was. Well, that's when he kissed me. I pushed him away, but he shoved me against the wall. Apparently, no isn't an acceptable answer when it comes to Dave Karofsky. I was terrified…" Kurt's voice broke slightly. He was trembling and his eyes were squeezed shut.

"Kurt…" Blaine said, "If you need to stop, we can."

"No," he said firmly. "Well… he f-forced me to his knees and f-forced himself in my mouth… He didn't last very long. It was horrible. He m-made me swallow it all, and hit me when I started retching. He warned me if I told anyone, he'd tell them that I was the one who'd come onto _him. _So I kept quiet."

"It didn't stop there though, did it?" said Julia in a calm voice.

"No. Every time he could, he'd do it. He didn't even _care _where it was – the janitor's closet, under the bleachers. He even made me get under the desk in the library once." Kurt shuddered. "Because you can't see under them, except for where the seat goes. I c-can't really explain it."

"I know what kind of desk you mean."

"I was under there for what felt like hours. He m-made me do it twice then. We were the only ones in the library, so he didn't care. When I got home, I was disgusted. I just felt… horrible. I was in the shower for at least an hour. But at the same time, I felt… hopeful. It was nearing the end of the school year. I thought that because it was summer, Karofsky wouldn't be able to get to me – I'd be able to be _happy. _Maybe even go out with Mercedes and Rachel… I hadn't really seen them since it all started."

Kurt fell silent. He was still shaking and there were unshed tears in his eyes. Blaine's heart clenched – he knew what was coming.

"I'm never going to forget that day," Kurt said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "It was the middle of summer… I'd been shopping with Mercedes and Rachel… I dropped my bags off home and went to the library – there was this book we'd seen that looked good, so I decided to go and get it. I walked there because it was a nice evening… Well, it wasn't exactly late. It was when I was walking back, humming to myself. I heard a car pull up behind me, but didn't think anything of it – I mean, who actually would? But…" Kurt gave a shudder and closed his eyes. Blaine couldn't help but notice the tears that escaped them.

* * *

_Kurt was happy. He read the blurb of the book again, a small smile on his face. It was just want he wanted – a cheesy romance with a tiny bit of drama. He didn't doubt that he'd finish it in a few days. At least then, he'd be able to give it to the girls and they could gush over it, like they always did when it came to romance books. He hummed tunelessly as he walked. He heard an engine cut off and a car door slam, but didn't look back. It was still light so he wasn't worried… Until he felt arms wrap around him._

"_Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"_

"_Shut the fuck up Hummel!" Karofsky growled in his ear. "Or I'll make you."_

_Kurt continued to struggled, thrashing out violently. Karofsky clamped a hand over his mouth and dragged him to his car. He threw him in the back seat, climbed in the front and drove off. Kurt tried, in vain, to open the doors._

"_Let me out!" He screamed. Karofsky just ignored him. They drove for about an hour. After a while, Kurt stopped trying to open the doors and hugged his knees to his chest, sobbing. He had no idea what was going to happen – he wouldn't put it past this animal to kill him._

_Eventually, the car stopped. Karofsky looked around to make sure they were alone, and then climbed into the back seat. _

"_You scared, fag?" He asked in an eerily-sweet voice._

_Kurt didn't answer, making himself as small as possible. A tiny whimper escaped his lips – something Karofsky didn't miss._

"_I'll take that as a yes. Well, you should be!"_

_Again, Kurt didn't say anything. When Karofsky put his hand on his leg, he tried to move away. _

"_Don't even try it," He spat, pulling Kurt back. "You're going to take this. I've waited for this, you little fucking tease!"_

_Before Kurt knew what was happening, Karofsky was pulling at his clothes, until Kurt was lying there, naked. He was trembling from head to toe. Karofsky unzipped his jeans and forced Kurt onto his stomach. It was only then that he realised what was going to happen._

"_No! Oh my god, please don't do this. I'll do anything, just don't do this!"_

"_Shut the fuck up Hummel! You're a little slut!"_

"_No!" Kurt screamed, trying to scramble away. Karofsky hit him hard on the back of the head, but it didn't stop him. Kurt was petrified – he kicked out as hard as he could, barely noticing when his foot landed on Karofsky's chest._

"_You're going to regret that!" He snarled. He grabbed Kurt by the hair and forced his face into the seat of the car, using his other hand to raise Kurt's hips. "Just for that, Hummel, I'm not going to use any lube. I brought some with me, because I felt nice. Well, you can go without, can't you?"_

"_Oh my god, please Dave, don't-"_

"_SHUT UP!" He roared, twisted Kurt's hair as hard as he could._

_Without so much as a warning, he slammed into Kurt, who let out a hair-raising scream. It was a pain like Kurt had never experienced before. He could barely hear anything over his own screams. Karofsky clamped a hand over his mouth, muffling the sounds. It was only then that Kurt heard the deep moans coming from the other boy. The sick bastard was actually enjoying this! There were tears streaking Kurt's face. He was still screaming as loud as he could, but he'd long since given up hope of anyone hearing him, especially with Karofsky's hand over his mouth. _

_After what seemed like an age, Karofsky gave another load groan and stilled. Kurt realised, with disgust, that he'd finished _inside _of him. Karofsky pulled out and threw a now-whimpering Kurt to the side. He pulled his jeans up quickly. Then, Karofsky leaned across Kurt and unlocked the door. He opened it and pushed him onto the gravel outside, throwing his clothes at him._

"_Thanks faggot!" He yelled as he drove away._

_He had no idea where he was. Kurt sat huddled on the ground. He could hear a high pitched whining sound, but he wasn't sure where it was coming from. The pain was intense; he was surprised he hadn't passed out. Eventually, Kurt got to his feet and the whining grew louder. It was only then that he realised the sound was coming from _him. _But he couldn't seem to stop. He pulled his clothes on, not even caring that they were dirty and torn. He didn't have any shoes. Without any warning, Kurt's stomach heaved. He clutched a nearby tree and emptied the contents of his stomach onto the ground. He continued to heave, even after there was nothing left inside him. After a few minutes, he let go of the tree. _

_Kurt walked slowly, the pain between his legs making him dizzy. He had no idea where he was. As far around him as he could see was trees – had Karofsky actually left him in the middle of nowhere?! But then he saw a road and his heart fluttered. He made for it as fast as he could, the burn coming from down _there _excruciating now. As soon as his bare feet touched the tarmac of the road, he breathed a sigh of relief. He knew this road – he was just outside of Lima. At least he wasn't too far away from his house._

_It took Kurt two and a half hours to get home. He opened the front door, prepared for the countless questions from Burt that would come. But, to his surprise, the house was silent. He hobbled into the kitchen to see a note, from his father._

_Kurt,_

_Gone to watch a game with Andy from work – there's food in the fridge. Don't wait up. _

_See you later,_

_Burt._

_Kurt's stomach clenched, but in a way, he was relieved. He could finally allow himself to cry. And cry he did. He stepped into his shower, howling. Not only was he in an enormous amount of pain, but he felt… revolting. Kurt cried harder than he could ever remember crying before – the only other time he'd been like this was when his mother had died._

_When Kurt finally stopped crying, he just felt… empty. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep that night, so he forced himself to stay awake. At first, he browsed through Facebook on his phone, trying to distract himself. But when a text from Karofsky came up, thanking him for his 'amazing night', he threw it into the wall on the other side of the room, his agony taking over him again._

* * *

"Oh my…" A familiar voice said.

Kurt opened his eyes to see Julia writing something down in her notebook. He was shaking violently – it took him a few seconds to remember where he was… home, and safe. He looked at Blaine, who was crying silently.

"B-Blaine," Kurt said, wiping his tears away. "Are you okay?"

He nodded, his bottom lip trembling. Of course he wasn't okay, what a stupid question for him to ask! Shit, why did he want Blaine there in the first place?! He knew how bad it was going to sound, why the fuck did he make Blaine listen to it all. Forgetting they weren't alone, Kurt threw his arms around Blaine's neck, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"I'm so sorry!" He cried. "I… I should have let you leave."

Blaine just shook his head. "No Kurt, you know I wouldn't have. I'm just s-sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."

"Blaine there was nothing you could have done, you didn't know me."

"No, but-" He said tearfully

"Exactly… shh honey," Kurt murmured. "It's okay… We're okay. Karofsky can't do anything."

Julia cleared her throat, reminding them that they had company. Kurt looked around at her and gave an apologetic smile.

"So Kurt… you've explained how you felt about it all. What happened after it happned?"

"I didn't really know how to deal with any of it. At first I was just so upset with myself. My phone wasn't broken, even though I'd thrown it across the room… I started ignoring my friend's calls, even Mercedes and Rachel, who were my best friends. Karofsky didn't do anything to me again that summer, b-but I guess once was enough. I know Mercedes came to my house at one point, and she could tell something was up. I just told her I was ill. I don't think she believed it, but she left. I started to h-hurt myself. I thought cutting my wrists helped, like Blaine said. It did for a while – it distracted me from everything that was going on. But I started to feel disgusted with myself. So…um…I went to talk to someone."

"You went to see a counsellor?"

Kurt nodded. "I wasn't honest with her though. I used my wages from working with my dad to pay for it, but I lied to her. I think she knew I wasn't telling the truth, but… She basically told me I had a lot of anger, and suggested I take up boxing to help me cool off."

"And did you?"

"Yes. She was right, it helped. Not with my anger, that was still there. But I could take it out on something other than myself, you know? I stopped towards the end of summer though. I didn't have the money to carry on with the gym membership."

"I see. Now, about Karofsky," Julia noticed Kurt flinch slightly and sighed. "When did you see him again? Was it at school or-"

"Yeah, it was… the first day of school. I was stood next to my locker. I _knew _what was going to happen. He hadn't come after me since it happened, but somehow I just knew he'd do something again. He slammed me into my locker and asked me how my summer was… then said that I'd had a 'nice hard fuck'. I… I just couldn't believe he'd said that. When I told him to leave me alone, he said that I had some 'fight' in me, not like I had done before."

"What happened then?" Julia asked gently.

"I… I don't really know. I was so angry. Before I even realised what I was doing, I was punching every inch of his body that I could reach. I knew I was hurting him – I could hear it, but… I didn't stop. Everything he'd ever done just seemed to flash before my eyes. I don't even know how long I was punching him. Eventually someone stopped me. It was my teacher, Mr Schue. He literally had to drag me to the choir room and he demanded to know what the hell I was doing. He was _really _angry. But I never told him. I just told him to fuck off, and that I didn't need his protection. When we went to Principal Figgins, Karofsky dropped the whole thing."

"Do you know why?"

Kurt nodded. "I think so. I think he knew that I could have told them at any time what made me do it. I don't know if Principal Figgins would have believed me, but Mr Schue would have. When I was in glee before, he knew I was open and honest about everything so…"

"But you didn't tell anyone?"

"No. I was too afraid. After we were let go, Karofsky told me to stay the hell away from him. I don't think he expected me to be able to fight him like I did."

"But how did you deal with it? It's a huge thing to keep bottled up Kurt."

"I know it is. I got a fake ID and went to Scandals… I started hooking up with people I didn't know. I can't even tell you how many there were. But for some reason, it helped me. I… I never bottomed though. The one time I almost did, I started freaking out. I guess I knew then that it was still there, inside me."

"Can I ask what made you stop going to Scandals?"

"After my fight with Karofsky, I changed everything about myself. I stood up to the bullies, but I also cut myself off from my old friends. I didn't go near anyone, wouldn't let myself get close to anyone. I managed to give myself a reputation at McKinley as a 'bad boy'. There were so many rumours about me, and I fuelled them all."

"Why?"

"I knew people would be too afraid to want to get to know me. And they were, even the teachers. Whenever someone spoke to me, they'd trip over their words or wouldn't be able to look me in the eye. I knew they were afraid of me. I guess that helped a lot."

"So… what made you stop going to Scandals? What changed?"

"Blaine," Kurt said in a soft voice. "I didn't know him. I was walking to my lesson when someone walked into me – I was so pissed off. I snapped at the kid but I… regretted it. I wasn't sure why. He looked so innocent and scared. He was the first person I actually felt guilty for treating like shit. But I just shook the feeling off and went to maths."

"I see."

"A few minutes into the lesson, that _same boy_ walked in and said he was the new kid. So my teacher had to assign someone to show him around."

"And she chose you?"

"She chose me," Kurt echoed, smiling. "I didn't want to at first – I didn't know him and he'd already managed to piss me off. I think Blaine was a little scared of me at first."

"Damn right I was," Blaine muttered, making Kurt laugh.

"I didn't speak to him for the first lesson though. Afterwards, I looked across and saw how much work he'd done. I just couldn't believe it… so I showed him where his locker was, and it turned out we had a French lesson together. So I stayed with him in that as well. I was actually… happy."

"And that wasn't normal?"

"Not really. I wasn't exactly miserable at school, but because I didn't have any friends, I didn't really smile. But Blaine made me laugh – he wasn't afraid to talk to me, which was nice. I didn't see him until the next day though."

"What happened then?"

"He told me he was auditioning for glee. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I still loved singing but I knew if I joined glee, my reputation would go down the toilet. So I didn't go. I was in shock though – Blaine was a new kid, and there's nothing harder than being the new student at McKinley. When I told him about glee's reputation, he told me he didn't care. That shocked me, because he was so honest about it. He wasn't afraid to speak his mind."

"And you admired that?"

"I did," Kurt said. "He convinced me to join as well. So I did. And I don't regret it. I'm friends with Mercedes again, Rachel, not so much."

"Why?"

"She's irritating," he said, shrugging. "She was before, but I never really noticed it. It's only because I _hadn't _been her friend, I saw it. I don't dislike her, but I… I just guess I'd rather keep my distance this time."

Julia smiled. She knew someone just like that. "So how are you feeling right now Kurt?"

"Better," he admitted. "Not exactly happy but… well, I'm not upset. Are you telling me that this actually helped?"

"Yes," she replied. "I told you it would. You don't have depression either. But I want you to find an outlet – Blaine's is music, we need to find one for you. What do you enjoy doing?"

"Singing… Um, I like writing, but it's usually short stories. I'm good at writing," he admitted quietly, blushing slightly.

"Why don't you keep a journal?"

"I tried before, it just made me angry."

"I don't mean about what happened to you Kurt, I just mean in general. I'm not saying write every little thing about your day, every single day. No, I'm saying if there's something you're proud of or pleased about, write it down. That way, if you're having a bad day, you can read it."

"You know, you're really good at this."

Julia laughed. "I should hope so after six years at college and four actually doing it as a job."

They grinned at her and watched as she packed her things away.

"So, do you want to do it the same time next week?" She asked. They nodded. "Good. I'll come here again." She glanced at her watch. "That's the end of our session. I don't think they'll last as long as this one in future."

"They won't?" Blaine asked.

"No. The first ones are always the longest, because it's getting every little thing off your chest. Next week we'll talk about your progress. Do you want to do it together again?"

Blaine looked at Kurt, who nodded. "Yes," he said. "We do. I think it helped quite a lot."

Julia smiled. "Well, I'll see you boys next Monday. Have a good week."

She waved and disappeared out of the front door. Both boys relaxed into each other's arms.

"How'd you find it?" Kurt asked.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. What about you?"

He just shrugged. "I did zone out when I was talking. It was like I was watching everything."

"Oh Kurt, I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologise," he interrupted. "It helped, that's the main thing."

Blaine opened his mouth to answer but stopped when he saw Burt stood in the doorway.

"Dad!" Kurt said, jumping to his feet. "When did you get home? Did you hear…?"

"We were only gone half an hour… We…"

One look at his tear-glazed face told Kurt that he'd heard everything. He gave a dry sob and ran to hug his father. Burt returned his son's hug gently.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you Kurt. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"If I hadn't gone to that game…"

"I probably still wouldn't have told you."

Blaine took out his phone to glance at the time, surprised to see it had just gone six. Where the hell had the time gone?

"Kurt, Cooper's going to be here any minute."

As if on cue, the doorbell rang.


	19. The Ability To Destroy You

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **I'm so sorry for the delayed update. I've been so busy, it's not even funny. But _hopefully _this chapter makes up for it. I know the end certainly will *wink wink, nudge nudge*.

There is smut in this chapter (hallelujah). But Klaine smut is good smut, so it's all fine.

One final note, when you get to the song, remember when the people are singing, it's:

**Kurt, **_Blaine**, Both**_

* * *

**Chapter 19: The Ability To Destroy You**

* * *

Blaine leapt to his feet, almost running into the hallway. Kurt followed slowly. He was nervous about meeting Blaine's older brother, but tried not to dwell on it. Blaine was ecstatic, and that was all that mattered. He opened the door. Cooper Anderson looked exhausted, and that was putting it lightly. Despite this, his face lit up in a huge grin at the sight of his younger brother.

"Blainey, I've missed you!" He cried, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug that lifted him off his feet. There were tears in Blaine's eyes as he threw his arms around his brother's neck, holding him closely. Kurt almost felt like he was intruding. The two brothers hadn't seen each other in months, not since Christmas Day, as Blaine had told him – they wouldn't want him to impose. He was about to return to the living room when Blaine's voice stopped him.

"Kurt?" He turned to his boyfriend. "I'd like you to meet my brother. Cooper, this is Kurt, my boyfriend." He flushed as he said it, but there was a smile on his lips.

Cooper let go of Blaine and smiled. Kurt took in the appearance of the older Anderson brother. There was no denying that he and Blaine were brothers. They could almost be twins. They looked unusually alike; the same nose, same lips, same cheekbones… They even had the same flecks of green in their irises, despite the fact Cooper's eyes were blue and Blaine's were hazel. Kurt couldn't help but stare. How was something like that even possible?

"It's nice to finally meet the boy who captured my brother's heart," Cooper said, bringing Kurt out of his reverie. He felt colour rise up in his face, but flashed a radiant smile.

"It's nice to meet you too Cooper," he replied. "Don't let me keep you; I'm sure you and Blaine have a lot to catch up on."

"He didn't tell you?" said Cooper, frowning. Kurt shook his head, obviously confused. "You're coming too!"

Kurt turned to Blaine, pushing him playfully. "Why didn't you tell me this?!"

"I did!"

"When?"

"Um… in French…"

"Blaine Devon Anderson… Are you saying that you told me your brother invited me out with you… in _another language?!"_

Blaine burst out laughing and Kurt let out a huff, shoving him again.

"So Kurt, do you want to come with us?"

He nodded at Cooper. "I'll just go tell my dad." He muttered. Burt, who had obviously heard the exchange, walked out into the hallway.

"You must be Cooper Anderson," He said, extending a hand.

Cooper shook it. "Yes. And you're Mr Hummel?"

"Please, call me Burt. It's about time one of the Anderson brothers did."

Cooper grinned. "And by that, I'm guessing Blaine insists on calling you sir?" When Burt nodded, he laughed. "You don't mind me stealing your son away for the evening, do you?"

"Of course I don't. One of you text me when you're on your way home, okay?" He added to the younger two, who nodded. "Alright, go have fun."

They said goodbye and got into Cooper's car. He still didn't tell them where he was taking them; Kurt thought it was exciting but Blaine started to become restless.

"Coop, just give me a hint!" He whined after half an hour.

"No."

"Why not? I'm going to find out soon enough anyway!"

"No."

Blaine rolled his eyes and folded his arms, almost like a small child. Kurt couldn't help but grin at the child-like gesture.

They drove for another ten minutes before Cooper finally stopped the car. When Blaine looked out, he was confused. They weren't even in Lima anymore.

"But Coop… We're in Findlay…"

"Yep."

"Why the hell have you brought us here?"

"Well Blainey, I remember taking you here when you were younger. You were so good at it."

"But… _oh!" _He said, his face brightening when he realised where they were. "Oh, Coop! But, surely it's closed? It's nearly seven."

"Ah, but that's the best thing about being a television actor," Cooper said with a wink. "I reserved the whole rink."

"You… the whole _rink?!"_

He didn't reply and got out of the car, moving to the back and reaching into the trunk. Blaine followed eagerly and Kurt a little nervously. He still had absolutely no idea where they were. When he saw Cooper reappear holding two pairs of ice-skates, his heart sank. He was _awful _at ice-skating, he always had been. Blaine took one of the pairs from Cooper, grinning. He turned to Kurt, giddy with excitement.

"Can you _believe _this?! We're going ice-skating! Obviously we'll have to get you a pair of skates from inside, because we don't know your size. But Kurt, we're going _ice-skating_!"

"Great," he said, forcing a smile. Unfortunately for him, Blaine could read him like a book.

"What…? Don't you like ice-skating?"

"I've been once and I… I sucked at it. I kept falling on my ass and Mercedes had to practically carry me across the ice. It was horrid."

Blaine burst out laughing. "Oh Kurt, I'll look after you. Come on, I haven't been skating in years!"

"I bet I could totally beat your ass in a race," Cooper said, reappearing. He handed the other two a pair of gloves and a scarf each. "It's going to be freezing in there," he added when Kurt raised an eyebrow.

Cooper hadn't been lying. He _had _reserved the entire rink for them. As soon as they entered the ice rink, he put his skates on his feet and sped off, doing a quick lap. Blaine helped Kurt get his skates onto his feet and held his hand as they stepped onto the ice. Kurt slipped instantly, but Blaine caught him before he could hit the ground.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Go ahead and skate with Cooper. I'll just… I'll sit down over there for a bit." Kurt said, pointing to a bench just off the side of the rink.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded and Blaine gave him a quick kiss before skating over to Cooper. The older Anderson looked at him and flashed a grin. Blaine understood what he wanted, and the two immediately began racing each other around the rink.

"I totally won!" Blaine said triumphantly after several laps.

"You did _not!" _Cooper protested loudly.

"You just don't like it that I'm a better skater than you."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah," Blaine said, giving him a playful shove. "I've _always _been better at it than you."

"Whatever you say squirt. Are you having fun?"

"Yeah I am. Thanks for this Cooper… It means a lot to me."

Cooper barked out a laugh and ruffled Blaine's hair, causing him to grumble and move his head away. "You don't have to thank me Blaine, you're my little brother. Besides, I… um, I want to talk to you."

Blaine's heart sank. He knew it was coming – after all, it was the reason he was in Ohio. Blaine just nodded and skated to the side of the rink to lean on the rails, Cooper just behind him.

"How are you coping?" He said in a gentle voice. Blaine frowned – it wasn't the question he'd been expecting at all.

"I'm… I won't bother saying fine, because I know you won't believe it. I'm okay, I suppose. The counselling actually helped today. She wants me to write a song for her by next week, because it helps me cope… And I'm on sleeping tablets."

"Sleeping tablets," Cooper repeated. "Oh no, have your nightmares come back?"

He nodded. "They're a lot worse too. But I think I'll be okay. Can I ask you something?" Cooper nodded. "When are you planning for mamma's funeral to be?"

His features softened at the mention of her. "Friday, I think. I just want it to be small and simple. It'll be you and me, Kurt and his family, and maybe a few friends. You could invite Jeff and Nick, they both worshipped mamma."

Blaine nodded. "Okay," he said, his voice cracking. "Friday it is. And…What's happening on Wednesday?"

"I have to testify." He couldn't help that notice Cooper's voice was suddenly bitter and full of hate. "I have to stand in front of that bastard and tell the jury everything he did to me when I was growing up, and what he did to you."

"Will you come back with me afterwards?" Blaine's voice was hopeful – a fact that broke Cooper's heart.

"I'm afraid not squirt. Rose said I have to stay in the courtroom until they reach a decision. But as soon as the verdict's given, I can come find you."

Blaine just nodded. They stayed and talked about anything and everything for a little while longer before Cooper suddenly jumped over the rails, pulling his skates off his feet. There was a huge grin on his face.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be back in a minute. Go and have fun."

"But-"

"Just do it!" He called over his shoulder, disappearing through a door.

Blaine rolled his eyes. He climbed over the rail and walked towards Kurt unsteadily – it wasn't easy to physically walk when wearing ice skates. Kurt was in a world of his own; his eyes were glazed over and his mouth was hanging open slightly. Blaine approached him silently and cleared his throat at quietly as he could. Despite his efforts, Kurt still jumped.

"Oh, Blaine… Sorry, I must have zoned out. You okay? Where's Cooper?"

He shrugged. "He just ran off. Come on, I'll teach you how to skate."

"I can _skate _Blaine, I'm just not very good at it."

"Then I'll teach you how to do it _properly."_

He just rolled his eyes and allowed Blaine to pull him to his feet. They walked back to the edge of the ice carefully. Kurt was nervous again. He couldn't skate for shit and now Blaine wanted to teach him?! He knew it could only end badly. With a quick glance at Kurt, Blaine stepped onto the ice and glided away. About halfway across, he jumped and… _holy fuck what was that? _He did a twirl in the air and landed gracefully before skating back the way he came. Cooper wasn't joking when he said Blaine was a good skater – he looked like he belonged in the Olympics.

"Come on Kurt," he said smiling. "I'll hold you."

Kurt knew he was defeated. He stepped onto the ice cautiously, taking tentative steps. Blaine rolled his eyes at him and took his hand.

"I got you," he muttered. "Don't step. Just… slide. Come on."

Before Kurt could answer, he moved, so they were both gliding effortlessly across the ice. Kurt gripped his hands tightly, too afraid to let go now. Blaine was skating backwards, dragging the other boy with him. Then he turned, letting go of one of his hands so they were skating side-by-side. Kurt wobbled a little at first, but he managed to get the hang of it and pretty soon, he was skating alone.

"Oh my god, I'm actually doing it!" He managed to gasp as he skated back towards Blaine.

"Yeah you are. Oopsie, there you go!" He said, catching Kurt around the waist before he fell. Before Blaine knew what was happening, Kurt's lips were on his and they were kissing passionately.

"Kurt," he whispered, nuzzling his neck. "I-"

He stopped, hearing the cackle of a speaker. Kurt obviously heard it too because he turned his head in search of the noise.

"_You think I'm pretty without any makeup on_

_You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong_

_I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down."_

A small sigh escaped Kurt's lips. Blaine, on the other hand, smiled. He loved Katy Perry and this was his favourite song. Was that really all Cooper had been doing, putting on music?

As if summoned, Cooper reappeared, standing at the edge of the rink.

"I'm going to go back in the car," he said. "I need to phone Rose to arrange some stuff. You two stay in here as long as you like, okay? I'll be just outside."

He gave them a small wave and left the centre. For a while, Kurt and Blaine stood in silence, allowing the lyrics of the song to wash over them. It wasn't until the final note that Blaine realised his boyfriend was crying.

"K-Kurt, what's happened, what's wrong?" He said, panicked. Kurt just shook his head. "_P__lease _tell me I don't like it when you cry, even if you do look beautiful."

"It's stupid…" When Blaine didn't reply and only stared at him, he rolled his eyes. "It's the first song I ever heard you sing, okay? When you sang this, I realised that you meant a lot to me. I didn't know why at the time, but I cared about you. And you were amazing when you sang this – I've never heard anything like it. I've heard you sing so many times since; you do it around the house all the time without even realising it but this…" He sighed, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks. "This is the first song I ever heard you sing. It's special to me. I-"

Before he could carry on, Blaine pressed their lips together. He felt Kurt smile and wrap his arms around him. But he pulled away far too quickly for his liking. Blaine opened his mouth to protest, but Kurt just put a finger to his lips and starting singing with the song that was now playing through the rink.

**"Made a wrong turn once or twice**

**Dug my way out, blood and fire**

**Bad decisions that's alright**

**Welcome to my silly life**

**Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood**

**Miss "No way, it's all good"**

**It didn't slow me down**

**Mistaken, always second guessing**

**Underestimated, look I'm still around."**

Blaine's face lit up in a huge grin as Kurt skated away. He looked in total control of his movements. He pushed himself off and followed him. He began singing with him, their voices harmonising perfectly.

"_**Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're less than, less than perfect**_

_**Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me**_

**You're so mean**_**,**__ you're so mean_

**When you talk,** _when you talk_

**About yourself, you are wrong**

**Change the voices,** _change the voices_

**In your head**, _in your head_

**Make them like you instead.**

**So complicated**

_**Look how big you'll make it**_

_**Filled with so much hatred**_

_**Such a tired game**_

_**It's enough, I've done all I can think of**_

_**Chased down all my demons**_

_**See you do the same, **oh woah_

_**Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're less than, less than perfect**_

_**Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me."**_

Kurt let out a long breath. He was _not _about to rap in front of Blaine. He skated away from him, feeling a lot more confident on the ice. He skidded to a halt and turned to face the other boy, his eyes widening when he heard him rapping as he glided towards him.

"_The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear_

_The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer_

_So cool in line and we try, try, try, but we try too hard_

_And it's a waste of my time_

_Done looking for the critics, 'cause they're everywhere_

_They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair_

_Estrange ourselves and we do it all the time_

_Why do we do that, why do I do that?"_

Blaine grinned, stopping just before he collided with Kurt. He took hold of his hands and once again, dragged him across the ice. Kurt couldn't help but smile, singing once more with him.

"_**Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're less than, less than perfect**_

_**Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel **_

_**Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me**_

_**Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're less than, less than perfect**_

_**You're perfect, you're perfect to me**_

_**Pretty, pretty please, if don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me."**_

As the song ended, Blaine picked Kurt up and held him close. Kurt smiled and wrapped his legs around his waist, surprised at how strong he was. They neither knew nor cared what song was playing now – the only thing that mattered was each other. After what seemed like forever, they broke apart, both breathing rather heavily.

"How are you even strong enough to hold me? I've never seen you work out." Kurt said, raising an eyebrow as Blaine set him back onto his feet.

"Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean I don't do it, Kurt," he replied laughing. "But um… I've been working out, yeah. I took up boxing."

He snorted. "You've taken up boxing? We both know you couldn't hurt a fly."

"Shut up," he said, rolling his eyes. "I've not been in a fight or anything; I just… take my anger out on a punching bag and I've lifted a few weights. I want to um… tone up."

Kurt just rolled his eyes and took his hand, starting to skate around the rink again. They didn't sing or kiss again – Blaine focused on teaching Kurt how to skate properly.

They stayed in the ice rink for another hour and a half before remembering Cooper was outside. Blaine was calm, insisting that he wouldn't have minded. Kurt, however, was frantic. Poor Cooper – he'd flown in from New York to see his little brother, and Kurt had all but stolen him away.

"I'm so sorry Cooper!" He said when they climbed back into the car. "You came here to be with Blaine, but you've been out here all night.

Cooper laughed and waved his hand, dismissing the apology. "Don't be sorry Kurt. You have nothing to apologise for."

"But-"

"Did you guys have fun?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then that's all that matters. Stop moaning Hummel, I just rented an entire ice rink for you two." He said, cutting the protests off. Blaine couldn't help but laugh at the look on Kurt's face.

"Now I know where you get it from Anderson," he hissed. Again, Blaine laughed. He took Kurt's hand and pressed it to his lips gently. Kurt just raised his eyebrow. "Stop trying to distract me by being sweet, you're both assholes."

Both Anderson brothers laughed loudly at his comment. Kurt noticed that they even _laughed _the same. Douchebags. But nevertheless, he loved Blaine and he couldn't help but like Cooper, especially as on the journey back, he played music as loud as he could. By the time they got back to the Hudson-Hummel household, they were all in high spirits. It was a huge relief for Blaine to see his brother again, and it was the same for Cooper. Kurt was just glad that they got on; it was nice for him to see Blaine so happy, but he had a feeling that if he and Cooper didn't get along, they all would have been miserable.

"It was nice meeting you Kurt," Cooper said when they were stood at the front door.

"It was nice meeting you as well," he replied. "I'll just… leave you two for a bit."

He went into the house, leaving the two brothers alone. Blaine was emotional now, unshed tears blurring his vision.

"Oh Blainey," Cooper said, pulling him into a hug. "Don't cry. I'll be here for as long as you need me."

"I've had such a good night. You rented an entire ice rink just for me, because you remembered how much I liked skating when I was younger. It's been years. I don't know how to thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. I know it's been a long time. I think I was fourteen when we last went skating together. Damn, ten years ago… that was the last time we did it."

"I was still better than you."

"Whatever you say Blaine," he laughed. "Seriously, did you have a good night?"

"Yes. I'll see you again before Wednesday, won't I?" Blaine's voice was nervous, yet slightly hopeful.

"Of course you will. I want to take you out to dinner tomorrow night; you don't have any choice in the matter."

"But Coop-"

"Shut up squirt."

"Don't call me that-"

"Shh Blaine; I'm your big brother, I can do what I want." Blaine just rolled his eyes and Cooper laughed. "I'd better get going. I'll text you tomorrow, okay?"

"Drive safely," Blaine said before he could stop himself. Again, Cooper just laughed, gave him a quick hug and went back into his car. Blaine went into the house, smiling when he saw Carole in the hallway.

"Hello darling," she said. "Kurt's gone down to his bedroom. I made you both a plate of sandwiches, because I wasn't sure if you'd had dinner."

"Thank you Carole."

"Oh it's fine dear. I'm going up to bed." Blaine frowned. It was only nine o'clock. "I have an early start tomorrow. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he replied before walking down to Kurt's basement bedroom. He was exhausted, but happy. When he saw Kurt wasn't inside, he didn't think anything of it and went into the bathroom, preparing to run himself a bath. What he didn't expect to see what Kurt, already sat in the tub.

"Blaine!"

"Oh shit, I'm sorry Kurt!"

"No, no. Don't be sorry. I just thought um… I'd run us a bath."

"I'll leave, I'm sorry… Hang on," he said slowly. "Did you say us?"

"Yes, I did…I just thought we could both have one. I'm sorry, it was stupid." He was blushing furiously. "I'm sorry. I'll get out now."

"No, it's um… I kind of like the idea," Blaine admitted. Kurt's face softened. "What do you want me to do?"

"Um, just get undressed and get in. Do you want to sit in front of me or behind me?"

"In front of you, if that's alright. I like resting on your chest."

Kurt nodded and moved back in the tub, trying not to stare as Blaine got undressed. He didn't do very well. His eyes were fixed on his body. Blaine hadn't been lying. He _had _been working out. His muscles were more defined and he even had some abs coming along. Blaine blushed furiously as he stood naked in front of his boyfriend, and got into the tub as quickly as he could. He was nervous, and Kurt could sense it.

"Just relax," he murmured, wrapping his arms around him. "We don't have to do anything. I just thought it'd be nice for us to relax."

Blaine nodded and leaned back, resting the back of his head on Kurt's chest. He sighed, feeling content. They sat and talked for at least an hour, washing their bodies lazily. When they got out of the bath, Blaine hesitated. What was he supposed to do? Kurt was stood in front of him, completely and utterly naked. He couldn't help but notice that the other boy was hard and aroused. And there was only one towel in the bathroom.

"Kurt…"

"I'm sorry, I'll get changed. Shit, I'm sorry. You're just so… fuck, sorry Blaine."

"_Kurt," _he said again, cutting the babbling short. "You're… you're beautiful. And um…"

Kurt looked down and saw that Blaine was in the same state as himself. He smiled a little bit and moved forwards, brushing their lips together gently. Blaine responded to the kiss, a soft moan escaping the back of his throat. He blushed and pulled away.

"I'm sorry. It's just you…"

"I know. Come on, let's get changed."

"I don't want to."

Kurt's eyes widened. Blaine clamped his mouth shut, blushing furiously at his own words.

"Shit. I'm sorry Kurt. I don't want to pressure you or anything. Yes, fuck. We'll go get changed."

"Shh," Kurt said, leaning in to kiss him again. "I don't want to either. I just didn't want to pressure _you."_

"God, we're so… stupid sometimes, aren't we?"

"Yes, we are," Kurt agreed. "How about this; we won't get changed, we'll go back into the bedroom and we'll just… be ourselves. Is that okay?"

Blaine nodded and allowed Kurt to lead him back through into the bedroom. He was incredibly nervous, but did his best not to show it. Kurt wasn't fooled. He lay on the bed and pulled Blaine next to him, his lips in his hair.

"Just relax honey. I told you, I won't pressure you into doing anything." Blaine just nodded, unable to trust his voice. "What are you so afraid of, hm?"

"I… I'm just so… inexperienced. I don't know much about _anything._" His face was burning and he refused to meet Kurt's gaze. "I mean, I obviously know what everything is, but I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do about any of this. I've never even been in a relationship before. You were my first kiss."

"I know I was, and look how good you are at that." His humour worked, bringing a small smile to Blaine's lips. "You don't have to worry about being inexperienced Blaine. I'm not forcing you to do anything and I definitely won't judge you on something like _experience_. Like I said, we'll go as slow as you want; it's not going to make me love you any less."

"I know Kurt," Blaine said. He was mentally kicking himself, frustrated at how his words were coming out. "I know you'd never do anything like that. What I'm saying is I really want to do… stuff… with you, more than anything. I want to give you everything at one point. Not today, no, but I still want it to be you. I just don't know how to make you feel _good, _but right now I really want to."

Kurt gave a small sigh. He gave Blaine a gentle kiss on the nose. "You make me feel good just by kissing me you moron," he joked. "I want to make you feel good too. Blaine, you're my first actual boyfriend. I've never been _in love _before, and the whole idea of it is terrifying to me. You're the only person who has the ability to rip my heart to shreds and walk away, completely untouched. But I trust you not to. And… and that's what love is. Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to. I want to make you feel good Blaine… I really do."

Blaine remained silent. Kurt's speech was so genuine, it tugged on his heartstrings. He could feel a lump in his throat, but ignored it and moved to Kurt's lips, capturing him in a kiss. Kurt smiled. He moved his mouth away from Blaine's and to his neck. He began kissing _that _spot, and when Blaine moaned, he started sucking on it. He was certain he'd leave a vivid purple hickey there, but they were both so caught up in the moment neither of them cared. Blaine bucked his hips without realising it, and their erections brushed together. Kurt let out a sharp gasp at the contact, but muffled the sound in Blaine's neck.

That was when Blaine realised just how _good _it had felt. He thrust his hips up again and this time, Kurt let out a low moan. His eyes were dark as he took in Blaine's appearance. And then Kurt was kissing him senseless, in a way he'd never kissed him before. It was still heavy and fierce, but there was a passion to it that literally stole the air from Blaine's lungs. He was dizzy as he pulled their lips apart, rolling onto his back.

"You taste good," Kurt admitted. Blaine let out a soft moan as the breath from Kurt's warm mouth tickled his Adam's apple. A flash of pleasure shot down his spine as his hips snapped upwards to meet Kurt's. The hand in Kurt's hair yanked his face back up to his swollen lips in a fierce kiss. Kurt's groan rumbled against his chest as he thrust down, meeting Blaine's hips again. It felt… incredible. There was no other way of describing it.

"_Fuck, _Blaine." Kurt whispered against his lips, rolling his hips down harder. And then his lips left Blaine's again. A growl of frustration escaped Blaine's throat without meaning to – what the hell was Kurt planning that could be better than _this?! _Kurt moved his hand to Blaine's now-aching cock. He wrapped his hand around it and Blaine let out a loud whine, not caring if Kurt's family heard them. It felt far too good to care.

"Please," he begged, his voice incredibly faint. "Please, Kurt."

Kurt just hummed against his cheek, kissing the corner of his moth. "Please what, baby?"

He knew what Kurt wanted him to say. But he couldn't bring himself to actually say it, could he?

"Please, _please, _Kurt."

Kurt seemed to take pity on him. He trailed a few sloppy kisses across his stomach, moving down until his lips were hovering over Blaine's cock.

"Is this okay?" He asked cautiously, not wanting to push him.

Blaine could only nod and whimper. He barely had any time to prepare himself before Kurt's tongue was pressed against the underside of his cock. His hips jolted involuntary, until a firm hand held them down. Kurt's tongue was licking the pre-cum that was leaking down his head, before he parted his lips, sinking his mouth down on Blaine's cock. The only thing that prevented him from slamming himself down Kurt's throat was the hand holding him down firmly by the hip. He thought he was going to explode before Kurt had even _started. _His mouth was warm and wet and just _perfect. _It couldn't get any better than this, could it? Then Kurt hollowed out his cheeks and pulled back up, sucking hard.

"_Oh my god, Kurt."_

Blaine knew he should probably keep his voice down. But right now, he didn't fucking care. Kurt's perfect mouth was sliding back down his cock, until he felt the head hid the back of his throat. He could only tangle his hands in Kurt's hair and moan. Kurt's head started bobbing up and down, each suck making it so much harder for Blaine to breathe. His hips were jerking slightly, even though Kurt's hands were holding him into the mattress. He could feel the heat building in his lower stomach, and he knew he wasn't going to last very long. The warm, pressure was prickling through his balls as Kurt twisted his tongue around the head.

"_Fuck," _he whimpered. He yanked hard on Kurt's hair in an effort to pull him up. "Kurt, I... fuck, I'm going to-"

A deep groan quivered around him. Kurt refused to move; he just moved his mouth faster, sucking more firmly. And that's when it hit Blaine – Kurt wanted to _swallow _it. He could barely finish the thought as Kurt sunk all the way down – his nose pressed against his navel as the heat coiling in Blaine's stomach finally snapped.

"Oh my fucking god… _Kurt!"_

His cock was twitching in Kurt's throat as he came, twisting his fingers in Kurt's hair. He collapsed into the mattress, his body quivering with pleasure. There was a soft hum around his cock, followed by a tiny pop as Kurt pulled off. Blaine winced slightly – he was softening quickly and was already extremely sensitive.

Kurt hovered over him, bowing his head to give Blaine a soft kiss. It was salty, and warmer than it ever been. Blaine would have groaned if he had any energy left in his body – Kurt was letting him taste himself. And there was something strangely erotic about it.

They kissed slowly for a little while, until Blaine realised there was something hard pressing against his hip. He pushed his thigh against Kurt's hardness, producing a whimper from the other boy. He could see and feel Kurt's arms shaking as they supported his weight above him. Blaine locked his leg around Kurt's thigh, looped his arms around his neck and rolled them over, so he was on top. He moved until his thigh was rubbing against Kurt.

"Fuck," he whined, pulling Blaine down to kiss him hard. Blaine thrust his thigh again, watching Kurt mewl at the much-needed friction. He allowed Blaine to press a few gentle kisses to his neck before he thrust back onto the other boy's thigh once again.

"I'm close… shit," he groaned.

With a sudden confidence from somewhere deep inside him, Blaine told hold of Kurt's throbbing cock. The noise (_was it a moan or a sob_?!) that came from Kurt told him that he was teetering right on the edge of his orgasm. He moved his hand slowly, almost teasing Kurt.

"Shit!" Kurt moved his lips away, turning his head to the side as he desperately thrust into Blaine's fist. Blaine watched as his eyes closed and his lips parted as the rush hit him. He'd never seen anything more beautiful.

When Kurt's hips had stopped shuddering, Blaine let himself collapse onto his chest. It was sticky, warm and, in all honesty, gross, but he didn't care. Even if he did, he couldn't bring himself to move. Everything about what they'd done was unbelievable. Blaine placed a soft kiss on Kurt's cheek, wrapping himself tightly around the other boy as his eyelids began to droop. Kurt's strong arms secured themselves around him as his breathing slowed and evened out.

The last thing Blaine thought before he gave into his exhaustion was that he was glad he walked into Kurt Hummel on his first day of McKinley.

* * *

**Songs in this chapter are**

**Teenage Dream - Katy Perry. Even if it's only the first few lines**

**and Perfect - Pink. I love Klaine singing this so yeah, I included it.**

**The next chapter will be uploaded as soon as I can!**


	20. Joining Up The Dots

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **To the anonymous reviewer that said my story was "godawful shit"... Why have you waited until _Chapter Nineteen _to tell me this? Seems like you've wasted your own time.

Anyway, to my lovely readers - I'm sorry for the slight delay, again. I'm not sure what to make of this chapter. I had to rewrite it so many times and I'm still not exactly happy with it.

* * *

**Chapter 20: Joining Up The Dots**

* * *

The next day was like torture for Kurt and Blaine.

Having to pretend nothing had happened around their friends and Kurt's family was bad enough, but they had started to notice each other a lot more. Kurt had picked up on the fact that Blaine sucked the end of his pen when he was thinking in class, and Blaine had noticed that Kurt ran his hands through his hair a lot more than he'd originally thought. They kept throwing each other suggestive glances throughout the day that could only mean one thing – they both definitely wanted to be intimate again.

Cooper had text Blaine in the middle of the day to tell him he was picking him up right after glee. Kurt was a little irritated; it was obvious that he wanted some 'alone time' with Blaine. On the other hand, he was thrilled – it would be nice for the two brothers to have a proper catch up, one that didn't include him.

It one way, it was a relief for Blaine to spend some time away from Kurt that evening – it would certainly distract him from his not-so-dapper thoughts. But in another way, it was torture. He just wanted to _hold _him. They'd barely even kissed in school, knowing just how homophobic the other students were.

Cooper Anderson knew something was bothering his little brother from the moment he got into his car. Blaine was unusually quiet – sure, he'd never been much of a talker, but it was unnatural how silent he actually was. For the first ten minutes of the journey Cooper was silent, hoping that Blaine would speak up. When he didn't, he asked the question that was on his mind

"Okay squirt, what's wrong?"

"Mm?" Blaine said, turning away from the window to look at him.

"You've barely said three words since you got into my car. Has something happened?"

"Oh, no… Everything's fine."

"Then why are you so quiet?"

Blaine frowned. He looked up at Cooper and sighed. "I just keep thinking about Kurt."

"Have... have you two had a fight or something?" Cooper said, mentally preparing himself for the flow of emotions that were sure to come from his younger brother.

"No! It's the opposite of that actually. Me and Kurt… we're _wonderful."_

He rolled his eyes. "You're going to have to give me a bit more than that Blaine, I can't read minds. You should know by now – you can tell me anything."

"Um… I don't know if I should… it's _personal._"

"Okay, now you've got to tell me!" Cooper said. Judging from the grin on his face, he'd already caught on. "What did you do?" Blaine turned his head away, his cheeks tinged with pink. Cooper smirked. "Okay, I get it. But I know what you're like. I'm guessing you didn't go all the way?" He shook his head. "Thought not… but judging by your face, you did a lot. Ooh, how was it?"

"Eurgh, Coop, I'm _not _going to tell you about my sex life!"

"Okay, okay," he said, unable to hide his laughter. "Anyway, we're here now. Get your ass out."

Blaine rolled his eyes and got out of the car. His jaw dropped, taking in his surroundings. Cooper moved to stand next to him, grinning.

"I hope you're hungry Blainey."

"Coop, when you said you were taking me out to dinner, I didn't think you meant _here."_

"Why? It's a nice place."

"But this is… this is The Water Dragon; do you have any idea how expensive it is? How the hell did you even manage to get a table, it's _always _got reservations…"

"Blaine, you're forgetting that I'm a TV actor, people see my face and explode. Come _on, _I got us a nice table!"

He rolled his eyes and allowed his brother to lead him past the queue of people, walking into the restaurant. He didn't even have to speak before they were being led through the restaurant by a pretty blonde waitress. She looked flustered and stammered as she watched them sit. Blaine thought it was funny, but Cooper seemed to take pity on her.

"Are you okay darling?" He asked in a sweet voice. She flushed and nodded a little too eagerly. Once they had ordered their food, she walked away to where a cluster of girls were waiting. They immediately burst into a fit of giggles and disappeared through a door.

"Don't you ever get sick of that?" Blaine asked Cooper, his eyes still fixed on the door the girls had gone through.

"Mm? Oh, no… Not really. It's kind of sweet. You should read some of the letters I get – they say I'm an inspiration. I'm not sure why but hey, I'll take it."

Blaine rolled his eyes.

Over their dinner, the two Anderson brothers spoke about anything and everything. Blaine had to admit, he'd missed Cooper a lot more than he'd originally thought. They both promised to talk to each other more, whether it was by visits, phone calls or even Skype messages. Cooper told him about his plans for their mother's funeral and when Blaine asked if he could sing a song he'd been working on, he agreed. It was going to be small and simple; the only people going were Blaine, Cooper, Kurt and his family, Cooper's best friend Sean and Nick and Jeff, who'd both agreed to support Blaine. In a way, it was tragic; nine people attending a funeral for one woman. But she was special, to the two brothers at least. They also talked, very briefly, about the trial and what the outcome would be. Neither of them had to admit their fear – it was obvious.

There were a lot of interruptions to their evening. Giggling girls kept approaching their table and asking Cooper for photos and autographs. A few of them even eyed Blaine hopefully, which he couldn't help but laugh at. _If only they knew._

"That last one seemed to adore you," Cooper said as they were leaving the restaurant. Blaine just rolled his eyes and got into the car. "Aw, come on B! Surely it's flattering that they find you hot?"

"Yes, but there's also the fact _I'm gay _Cooper."

"There's no shame in finding a girl attractive."

"They were attractive yes, but boobs do absolutely nothing for me."

Cooper barked out a laugh and started the engine. Oh how he'd missed Blaine and his witty comments.

"You've still got that smart mouth then."

"The Anderson-Attitude, as you used to say," Blaine replied, the corners of his mouth twitching.

They didn't say much more on the journey home, but they didn't need to; the silence wasn't uncomfortable or awkward. Only when they were outside Kurt's house did Cooper speak.

"Are you going to be okay tonight?" He asked quietly. Blaine gave a nod and swallowed.

"Yes. I won't sleep much tonight but I'll be alright. Don't worry; I'm not going to hurt myself or anything."

"I just want to make sure B. When Burt told me how they found you before…"

"How do you know about that?"

"Did you honestly think I wouldn't be in contact with him Blaine? You're staying at his house for crying out loud."

"No, I get that but… how?! You barely spoke to each other."

He snorted. "He gave it to me when we shook hands – sneaky right?" Blaine believed him, which made Cooper laugh even harder. "Oh man, you should see your face right now! I'm messing with you Blaine, I messaged him on Facebook. He seemed to agree that I should have his number and he should have mine, in case of an emergency."

Blaine punched Cooper's shoulder, also laughing. "I hate you sometimes Coop!"

"Nah you don't, you love me. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Blaine nodded. "Hey… keep your chin up. No matter what happens in that courtroom, I'll be here for you. I promise you, I'll keep you safe."

"Thank you," he whispered. Before he could say anything else, Cooper pulled Blaine into a tight hug. "I love you."

"I love you too Blaine. I'll see you soon."

He gave a small wave and walked into the house. Why did it hurt to watch the car drive away? He was seeing him the next day. Sure, the circumstances weren't exactly perfect, but it wasn't like he'd never see him again… He shuddered. The trial was going to be hell and he knew it. It didn't matter that he wouldn't be in the room; he'd still be able to _see_his father on the screens… He was still going to be there.

Blaine shook the feeling off and walked through the house, which was unusually quiet. Burt and Carole were at work, and Finn was obviously out. With a small sigh, Blaine walked down to the basement bedroom, ready to run into Kurt's arms.

What he didn't expect to see was Kurt curled up in a ball, crying.

"Kurt?!" He said, dropping his bag immediately. He rushed over to the corner Kurt was in and crouched beside him. When he tried to put his arms around him, Kurt just wailed even louder. "What's happened?"

"K-Karofsky," he managed to say. "Karofsky…"

Blaine's stomach dropped. What the hell had that bastard done now?! Very slowly, he managed to get Kurt to stand and move from the corner to the bed. He sat him on the edge, brushing stray strands of hair away from his face.

"Come on honey, you can tell me anything. You know that."

Kurt's eyes were wide and fearful as he looked at Blaine. It was obvious he was trying to speak, but didn't know how. "I… I was setting up a bath for us again, because I know how much you liked it yesterday." Blaine nodded, encouraging him to go on. "W-Well my phone went off. So I answered it without looking. I didn't know if it was you."

"And it was _him?!"_

"No," Kurt said. Blaine fell silent immediately. "It was a police officer, I don't know who… Oh Blaine, it was horrible!" He wailed again and buried his face in his hands. Blaine knew he couldn't force it out of Kurt, but he also knew it was important. He slowly persuaded Kurt to meet his eyes again, his heart breaking as he did so.

"Come on sweetie, you have to tell me. I can't help you if I don't know what's going on."

"She told me that K-Karofsky wasn't in police custody. They'd c-caught up with him at the school b-but he'd been released on bail and hasn't been seen since. He's gone, Blaine!"

"Oh Kurt," he whispered, pulling him into a protective hug. "I'm so sorry… I really am."

"So am I," Kurt breathed. "Because I deserve all of this… if I hadn't paraded it around in everyone's face when I was younger, he wouldn't have done it."

"No-"

"_Yes _Blaine. Oh god, why didn't I just hide it like he did? Why didn't I just pretend I was straight? None of this would have happened!"

"Kurt, stop it!" He shouted.

"This is my fucking fault. If I'd kept my fucking mouth shut then none of this would have happened; I wouldn't be getting nightmares every night and I could go on pretending like it didn't fucking happen. For fuck sake, why am I so stupid?"

"Kurt, _please! _It wasn't your fault!"

"Blaine, you don't get it! I was _raped. _My virginity was stolen from me by someone I physically can't stand. He made me feel sick before he did this but now, I want to rip his face off!"

"Kurt-"

"_No! _You don't get it; you haven't been through the same thing. Your dad beat you, I know he did, but he didn't rape you. Karofsky attacked me in more than one way, you don't fucking get it! Do you have any idea what it's like for me, having nightmares, waking up feeling his hands all over me, what it's like_, especially _now, to walk down the street? Karofsky isn't in police custody anymore Blaine, he could be outside this house right now, just waiting for me to be alone. Why do you think I'm down here, and not upstairs watching TV or anything? I'm terrified he's waiting to attack me!"

"Please honey, _please. _I know you're upset but please-"

But Kurt ignored him. He hugged his knees to his chest and began sobbing again. Blaine knew he wouldn't listen to whatever he had to say. So, why speak? He started off humming a tune, knowing it would catch Kurt's attention. His cries quietened and by the time Blaine was actually singing, they had stopped completely.

"_Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me_

_But bear this in mind, it was meant to be_

_And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks_

_And it all makes sense to me_

_I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes_

_When you smile, you've never loved_

_Your stomach or your thighs_

_The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine_

_But I'll love them endlessly_

_I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth_

_But if I do, it's you_; o_h it's you they add up to_

_I'm in love with you, and all these little things._

_You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you_

_You'll never treat yourself right darling, but I want you to_

_If I let you know I'm here for you_

_Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh_

_And I've just let these little things slip out of my mouth_

'_Cause it's you, oh it's you; it's you they add up to_

_And I'm in love with you, and all these little things."_

Kurt stared up at his boyfriend, his face glazed with tears. Blaine was so fucking perfect, it was almost painful. He curled into his protective embrace, small whimpers still escaping his lips. Blaine said nothing. He didn't need to – he kissed the top of Kurt's head gently, still humming quietly. Eventually, Kurt spoke.

"Thank you," he whispered. Blaine stopped humming and smiled.

"You don't have to thank me, Kurt."

"I do. I'm sorry… That was a pretty stupid thing to say, wasn't it?" Blaine nodded slowly. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I shouted at you."

"Kurt, stop apologising. _None _of this is your fault and it never will be. K-Karofsky attacked you; what he did was disgusting and it was awful. I wish you never had to go through all of that… I wish I could take away all of your pain, but I know I can't… So the only thing I can do is be here for you. If shouting at me helps you, then I _want _you to shout at me; anything to make you better. Okay?"

Kurt let out another sob and buried his face in the crook of Blaine's neck. What did he ever do to deserve someone like him? Hell, he _didn't _deserve Blaine and he never would.

"I love you," he said, his voice muffled slightly.

"I love you too," Blaine replied, kissing the top of his head. "I always will. Are you feeling any better?"

"A little," He admitted. "I think I just…"

"Panicked?" He finished for him. Kurt nodded and gave a small smile. Blaine smiled back and kissed the top of his head once again. "I know you did, and I understand. I won't let him hurt you."

"Thank you."

They sat in silence. Neither of them wanted to move – Kurt felt safe in Blaine's arms. It was strange; he'd actually allowed himself to fall in love with someone. They'd only been together for a month, and he was already head over heels.

* * *

Eventually, Kurt and Blaine fell into an uneasy sleep. Kurt, even though he felt safe with Blaine, couldn't shake the feeling that Karofsky was watching him. Blaine had tried to keep his mind anywhere but the trial. At first he was afraid, but now he was petrified. How the hell did they expect him to just sit there and watch his father on a camera? He wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until there were no tears left. If his dad didn't get sent down, then there would be hell to pay. If he did then… well, he wasn't sure how he felt about that.

Blaine awoke first. A glance at the clock told him it was seven-thirty. The trial wasn't until midday, so he had plenty of time. He untangled himself from Kurt's body carefully, not wanting to disturb him. Kurt gave a quiet, sleepy moan. He turned and hugged the pillow beside him but didn't wake. He looked peaceful.

Blaine stretched and walked into Kurt's bathroom. A shiver went up his spine the minute he stepped into the room. He couldn't help but stare at the spot on the floor where his blood was still slightly visible. This annoyed him – as if the room itself wasn't enough, there was a permanent reminder on the floor, despite all of his efforts with bleach. He swore to himself and stepped into the shower. The steady flow of hot water seemed to calm him. Before he even knew what was happening, Blaine was singing. At first, his voice was soft and gentle, but it rose gradually until he had an audience screaming at his feet as he sang his heart out. Or, so he imagined.

Once he was washed and changed, he went back into the bedroom, only to see Kurt sitting on the bed, staring at his phone. He was pale and his eyes were wide.

"K-Kurt, what's happened?" Blaine asked quietly, moving to sit beside him.

Kurt's fingers were trembling as he handed him his phone. Blaine took it and read quickly, his stomach clenching at the message on the screen.

_**Mercedes Jones: 8:03am**_

_Hey honey, I'm sorry if I wake you._

_Just wanted to let you know, Santana saw_

_You-know-who outside the record store, near Blaine's_

_house today. I just thought you should know._

_Rach told me he'd been released on bail, the bastard…_

_Hope you're okay honey b, I miss you_

_Call me if you need anything, okay?_

_Give Blaine my love for today!_

_Love you sweet-cheeks!xx_

"Oh no…" Blaine whispered. Kurt just stared at him, his bottom lip trembling. "M-Maybe he was just… um, I don't know… Maybe he was looking for a new record?"

"Save it Blaine, we both know that's bullshit. He's looking for m-me again, isn't he?!"

"I don't know," Blaine said. When Kurt gave a quiet cry, he pulled him into his arms. "I'm not going to let him hurt you. Tell you what, after the trial today we'll go and find Rose. We'll show her the text Mercedes sent you and we'll ask her to keep an eye out for anything. I'm sure she'll know everything. How does that sound to you?"

Only one word of this seemed to register in Kurt's mind.

"Oh fuck… the trial! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm sat here crying over some stupid text when you have your dad's trial in…" he glanced at the clock. "Four hours… Shit, I'm sorry. I'll go and shower and then we'll find our outfits."

"Kurt-"

"Quiet Blaine," he snapped. Blaine stopped talking instantly. "We'll talk about this later, okay? We'll show Rose, like you said, but right now _you _are the most important thing."

Kurt disappeared into the bathroom and Blaine heard the shower running. Damn… Kurt was naked on the other side of the wall and it was all he could think about. He could feel the heat washing over his body and shook himself. No, now was _not _the time.

The shower cut off and Kurt re-entered the room, his body glistening with droplets of water. He smirked at Blaine and crossed the room. Blaine bit his lip. How was it even legal for someone to look so beautiful naked? Even Kurt's back, which was all that Blaine could see as he looked in his wardrobe, was perfect.

"I know you're staring at me, Blaine." Kurt said rather suddenly. "And don't apologise," he added before Blaine could speak. "You're allowed to stare, you're my boyfriend. But the answer's no. If we do anything now, then we probably won't be able to stop ourselves and the last thing we want is to be late today."

Blaine could see the sense in Kurt's words and smiled. It didn't stop him from watching Kurt as he sorted through his clothes, trying to decide on what to wear. Once he had his outfit sorted, he moved to Blaine's clothes, hanging on the other side of the wardrobe.

"Right, so you need to look smart," he muttered, more to himself than anything. "But we don't want it to look like you have a pole up your ass. No, looking stuck up would not be good. Hmmm, what can we…? Aha!"

He pulled out a simple white shirt, black fitted trousers and a slim grey tie. Blaine said nothing as Kurt laid the clothes down on the bed.

"What do you think? You'll have a jacket too, so you'll look pretty damn smart. At the same time, you'll look hot. Okay, so I know it's court and you don't _need _to look hot, but if you look like a snob or whatever then it won't go down well."

"It's… damn Kurt."

"Is… is that a good damn or a bad damn?"

"Good," he replied, wrapping his arms around Kurt and pulling him onto his lap. He pressed their lips together gently.

"That's good, because you're going to lot H-O-T!"

Blaine blushed and smiled against Kurt's lips.

"Do you know if I'm allowed to be in the little room with you or no?" Kurt asked.

"I have no idea. I hope you can; I don't like the idea of being on my own."

"I don't like the idea of you being alone either," he whispered.

* * *

At half past ten, Burt came downstairs. He told them that they needed to get moving if they were going to make it to the court on time. They agreed and followed him back up the stairs, where Carole was waiting.

"Do you want to take my car or yours?" Burt asked his son.

"Mine. I don't mind driving."

"Sure thing buddy, Carole and I will sit in the back, okay?"

Kurt nodded and they climbed into his car. Blaine sat in the passenger seat, wringing his hands together. He'd barely said two words in several hours, and it was obvious just how much it was affecting him.

The car journey passed in silence, neither of them seemingly able to find anything to say. By the time they reached the court house, Blaine was trembling from head to toe. His breath was coming out in short, panicked gasps. Kurt seemed to sense this because the minute they stepped out of the car, he pulled his boyfriend into a tight hug, humming quietly. Blaine relaxed instantly at his touch.

"Come on honey," Kurt whispered. "This'll all be over soon. Tonight we'll be laughing at the fact we were actually worried."

Blaine could only nod. He allowed Kurt to lead him through the grand oak doors that led to the marble reception area. Burt went to the receptionist and she led them through another set of doors, into a small waiting room. They were only in there for ten minutes before Rose appeared, Cooper just behind her.

"Blaine!" She said, her face breaking into a smile. Blaine couldn't help it – he smiled back. "It's so good to see you. You're looking so much better than when I last saw you."

"Hey squirt," Cooper said, squeezing his shoulder. "Are you doing okay?"

"I… I honestly don't know how I'm feeling."

"Neither do I," the older Anderson admitted. "I'm terrified right now. But listen, no matter what happens we'll _always _have each other. I can promise you that, okay Blaine?" He nodded.

"_Ahem."_

They all turned to see an elderly man stood in the doorway.

"Which one of you is Blaine Anderson?" He asked in a soft English accent.

"That would be me," Blaine said quietly.

The English man gave a small smile. "Very well Mr Anderson, if you would like to follow me. The rest of you are now free to enter the main courtroom."

Blaine's heart stopped. "Isn't… isn't anyone allowed in with me?"

"I'm afraid not son. Say your goodbyes; you'll see them again in a little while."

Kurt let out a noise like an angry cat and pulled Blaine into a tight, bone-crushing hug. Blaine gave a shaky laugh and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Stay strong," Kurt whispered, his voice breaking.

"I will. I'll see you soon."

Blaine gave a small wave to the others and followed the English man. He was led into a small room with a desk and a chair. On top of the desk was a laptop and on the screen, Blaine could see the courtroom, now filling up with people. He heard the words clearly, as though he was in the same room

"All rise. Judge Eleanor presiding," there was a few seconds of silence. "Please be seated."

Blaine swallowed hard. He knew that in a few seconds, he would see his father again.

* * *

**The song used in this is "Little Things" by One Direction. Yes, I changed the words around a bit. I just thought it'd be cute for Blaine to sing to Kurt.**

**Next chapter: The trial.**


	21. Nothing But The Truth

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **I definitely need to apologise for any mistakes with the legal stuff in this chapter. I know a little about the legal system here in England, but the US is a complete mystery to me. So, I apologise in advance for my ignorance and any mistakes that are made. I did Google a lot of this.

* * *

**Chapter 21: Nothing But The Truth**

* * *

"Kurt, stop worrying," Burt said as they took their seats in the main courtroom. "He's not going to get away with this."

Kurt didn't say anything. He felt like if he opened his mouth, he'd throw up. Instead, he folded his arms and took in his surroundings. The courtroom wasn't as big as he'd expected it to be. As everyone took their seats, including the jury and the lawyers, a trolley was wheeled into the room, a laptop on top of it. The screen was blank, but then someone pressed a button and it flickered to life.

"Oh my…" Kurt gasped.

On the screen was a terrified-looking Blaine. From what Kurt could see on the laptop screen, he was in a small, blank room, curled up on a chair. His eyes were fixed on the screen in front of him and he looked as though he was going to faint.

"Dad, look-"

"All rise," a voice said, cutting off Kurt's words. He didn't stand at first – it was only when Burt nudged him that he got to his feet. "Judge Eleanor presiding," the voice continued. "Please be seated."

Once they had sat down, a door opened, just to the left of the judge. And then Kurt saw him. Andrew Anderson. He walked in and took his seat next to his lawyer. His eyes moved from Cooper, to Kurt and then rested on the laptop screen, an eyebrow raised. There was the ghost of a smile on his lips. Kurt's attention turned to the laptop, his heart breaking. Even though the image wasn't clear, he could tell Blaine was trembling. For one heart-stopping second, Kurt thought he was having a panic attack. Then he saw Blaine run his hands through his hair and sit up a little straighter.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," Judge Eleanor said. "Calling the case of the People of the State of Ohio verses Andrew Anderson. Are both sides ready?"

The District Attorney and the lawyer beside Blaine's father both replied to the judge. Then, the clerk got the jury to 'swear' that they would fairly try the case. The two lawyers both gave their opening statements. Kurt's nose wrinkled when Blaine's father's lawyer spoke about him being 'innocent until proven guilty'. He bit down on his lip to prevent himself from speaking.

"The prosecution may call its first witness," the judge said. The district attorney nodded and called Cooper up to the stand.

"Raise your hand," he said. Cooper did. "Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I do," Cooper said.

"Please state your first and last name."

"Cooper Anderson."

"And Andrew Anderson is your father, yes?" Cooper nodded. "And you are the older brother of Blaine Anderson, who has chosen not to be present due to the nature of the allegations, correct?"

"Yes. I'm Blaine's older brother."

"Now, in your original statement, you said that your father has never been affectionate and would treat you roughly. Care to elaborate?"

"He was harsh growing up. If I did one thing wrong, even if it was something as simple as spilling a cup of water, he'd yell until he was hoarse. He'd scream abuse at me and it brought my confidence down. I was eight when he first hit me."

"What happened?"

"I'd been painting in my bedroom, and I accidentally dropped the brush so there was paint on the carpet. He kept on hitting me and everything just went black. When I woke up, I was exactly where he'd left me. But I never had it as bad as Blaine."

"You haven't seen your brother's statement, is that correct?"

"No, I haven't. He made it when I was still in New York."

"So you have no idea what he has said on it?" Cooper shook his head. "Can you please explain, in your own words, what your father is accused of doing to Blaine?"

"Fine," Cooper said. His eyes were no longer on his father – they were fixed on the laptop screen, on his little brother's terrified face. "My father beat him on a daily basis. He'd text me, asking for the best way to deal with it, but he'd never tell anyone. Blaine wasn't a planned pregnancy. My father only wanted one child and he was furious. But my mother was thrilled. Even though she wasn't in the best state of mind, she'd always wanted another child. She thought I was lonely. When Blaine was born, my father resented him. He refused to feed or change him, and because my mother was so ill, I did a lot of it. I left home as soon as I was eighteen. I was in New York when Blaine came out. I had a phone call from him and he… he was a mess. It took me about an hour to calm him down enough to even speak."

"What did he say?"

"That dad had been beating him for years and that he'd come out to the family."

"Did he say anything else?"

"That he could barely breathe – he said dad had beaten him until he was unconscious because he told him he was gay."

A brief murmur ran through the courtroom. The district attorney asked Cooper a few more, fairly simple questions, before moving back to his seat.

Kurt watched as the other lawyer, the one defending Andrew Anderson, got to his feet and started firing questions at Cooper, trying to make Blaine out to be the villain. The lawyer asked if Blaine had ever got into any fights at school, if his grades were high and what his friends were like.

"Blaine isn't a troublemaker in any way, shape or form," Cooper snapped after a while. "He's the kindest, sweetest boy I've ever met, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his brother. You can ask any one of his friends and his teachers; they'll tell you the same thing. He refuses to call the man he lives with by his first name because he's so polite."

"This brings me to my next question," the lawyer said, cutting off Cooper's words. "Blaine lives with his boyfriend's family, correct?" He nodded. "Why? Why not live with you?"

"Because of him," Cooper said, pointing to his dad. "When our mother died a few weeks ago, he finally told someone what had been going on. He couldn't live with me, because I was in New York. I know he would have been told to finish his education here in Ohio. He was going to be placed in a foster home until they could find somewhere for him, but Burt wouldn't let that happen."

"How long have Blaine and his boyfriend been together?"

"Just over a month, I think."

"Now, if they've been together for such a small amount of time, why would they allow him to move in with them?"

Cooper's eyes narrowed, as though he could see what the lawyer was trying to suggest. "Because Burt Hummel has the biggest heart I've ever seen. What, would you rather see someone that means the world to your child suffering?"

"I have no further questions."

Cooper gave a slight nod to the judge and took his seat, just on the other side of Kurt. He was shaking, obviously from anger, but remained silent.

"The prosecution may call the next witness," the judge said.

"The people call Burt Hummel."

Burt stood and made his way over to the witness stand. He looked calm and composed. Once he had sworn under oath to tell the truth, the questions began. The district attorney asked simple things, such as how Blaine looked when he first met him, and how he'd been dealing with it. Once he was done, the defence lawyer stood.

"Mr Hummel, Blaine Anderson is currently living with you, correct?"

"Yes sir, he is."

"What is he like around the house?"

"Blaine's… well, he's polite. He talks to Kurt more than anyone. He's obviously more comfortable around him than any of us, and seems to trust him with his life. Blaine gets on with Carole very well, and he seems to get along with Finn, her son. He's nervous around me, but I fully understand that. If I ask him to do some laundry, he will. He offers to make breakfast every morning and helps with dinner. He's very quiet, but he's a nice boy."

"How can you be sure of that if you've only known him for a month?"

"There are some things you can't fake and kindness is one of them," Burt said. "He's shown my son an enormous amount of it, right from the moment they met."

"Your son Kurt is in a relationship with Blaine, yes?" Burt nodded. "Do they share a room?"

"I don't understand what this has to do with anything-"

"Please, just answer the question Mr Hummel."

"Yes, they share a room now. They didn't at first."

"So what's different? Why do they share a room?"

"I got up one night and heard laughter, so I went into Blaine's bedroom to see them sat on the bed. That's how I found out they were together. Later on, Kurt told me that when they sleep next to each other, they barely get nightmares and if they do, they comfort each other until they go to sleep."

"So they lied to you about being together?"

"No. My son never said the words '_me and Blaine aren't in a relationship'_ – they just chose to not tell me, which I understand. They were scared of how I'd react."

The lawyer seemed to be getting angry. He was silent for a few seconds, gently tapping his finger against his chin.

"What can you tell me about what happened a week ago?"

"What part? A lot happened."

"All of it would be good."

With a sigh, Burt began his explanation. "The boys got back from school earlier than usual. Blaine went downstairs to make a phone call, and Kurt asked if we could talk in the kitchen, so we did."

"What did you talk about?"

"It has nothing to do with this case. It was about his personal life."

"You are under oath Mr Hummel; I'd like to know what the conversation was about."

"Objection," the prosecuting lawyer said, getting to his feet. "If what Mr Hummel and his son spoke about had nothing to do with this case, then it should not be brought up in this courtroom."

The defending lawyer looked furious, especially when the judge agreed. "Very well," he said. "What happened with Blaine?"

Burt told them about how Kurt had gone downstairs but then started yelling. He told them how he saw his son holding Blaine in his arms, and how they had seen the cuts on his wrist.

"Do you know what made him do that?"

"No," Burt said truthfully. "I have a general idea, but I can't say for sure. It was something to do with all of this, I know that much."

"No further questions."

Burt was excused and took his seat. There was a few seconds of silence, interrupted only by the quiet murmurs coming from Andrew Anderson and his lawyer. Then, the judge spoke.

"Would the defence like to call anyone up to the stand before we watch Blaine Anderson's statement video?"

"We would, Your Honour. We call Kurt Hummel to the stand."

Kurt froze. He'd been told there was a possibility he'd be called up, but he never expected that it would actually happen. He stood slowly and, with one final glance at Blaine on the laptop, took his place in the witness stand.

"You are Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, yes?" Kurt nodded, "The boyfriend of Blaine Anderson?" Again, he nodded. "Can you please tell us how and when you first heard what was supposedly happening to Blaine?"

"Y-Yes, it was last month, before we got together. We both auditioned for our school's glee club and he waited for me after. I… I noticed the bruising on his neck and asked him about it. He just sort of… broke down crying, so I asked him again and he eventually told me."

"Just like that, he told you?" The lawyer asked sceptically.

"Obviously not," Kurt snapped. "When I asked who did it, he just kept saying that he couldn't tell me because whoever it was would kill him. I asked if it was his dad, just as a guess and he went silent. So I knew it was. Then he told me… he told me how his dad hated him because he wasn't like Cooper, because he was _gay. _So I was angry, but he got me to change the subject."

"And you just forgot about it?"

"Of course I didn't forget about it! We may not have been together at the time, but I still cared about Blaine. He was a new student and I'd been assigned to show him around. Plus he was so scared and innocent, I wanted to protect him."

"And did you protect him?"

"Obviously I didn't, otherwise we wouldn't be here today."

"You misunderstood my question," the lawyer said, an eyebrow raised. "What happened later that day, in the parking lot of the William McKinley High School?"

Kurt let out an angry sigh. Of _course _Blaine's dad would use that against him.

"I walked Blaine out of the school," he said, his voice relatively steady despite his anger. "And he froze and got all weird. So I looked at I saw _him. _His dad was just staring at us. So I went up and spoke to him."

"Would you repeat what you said to my client, and please remember that you are under oath."

"I told him to stop hitting Blaine," he almost spat. "Or I'd go to the police."

"Did you swear at him?"

"Yes."

"Did you end up going to the police?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Blaine asked me not to."

"And when did he ask this?"

"He phoned me later that night. Or early the next morning, depending on how you want to look at it. He was crying and… I could tell how much pain he was in. But he told me he wanted a distraction, so we got talking about him tutoring me French."

"Didn't you find that suspicious?"

"What?"

"Well, if Blaine Anderson was in as much pain as you're suggesting, how would he have had the energy to phone you?"

"I don't-"

"If Blaine really was injured, he wouldn't have asked about tutoring you French, he'd be begging for your help, begging for the pain to stop."

"No, he-"

"Your Honour," the lawyer said, turning away from Kurt. "I don't believe there is any truth to what these boys are suggesting."

"Oh, so I'm guessing Blaine's nightmares are about his _other dad_ or some bullshit like that, are they?"

Everyone in the room gasped. Kurt had finally snapped. He was on his feet, glaring at Blaine's father. His entire body was shaking with the rage he'd been trying so hard to contain.

"I think you should step outside, young man," the lawyer said.

"Why the fuck should I do that? You asked those questions and I answered them truthfully, but now you're trying to make out that we're lying? Blaine is terrified to sleep because of the nightmares he has. I have to hold him and just talk to him until he's calm enough to even consider closing his eyes. He calls my dad _sir_, because he's afraid he'll get beaten if he doesn't. Did your _client _tell you that? He would beat the shit out of Blaine if he called him anything but sir. Of course he didn't tell you, because he doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself!"

"ORDER," the judge bellowed, banging the gavel hard. "Time for intermission, court will resume in ten minutes!"

Kurt was out of the courtroom before anyone else was even on their feet. He walked through the courthouse as fast as he could, ignoring the shouts from his father behind him. Where the fuck was Blaine? He looked around wildly, before spotting the English man from before.

"Where the hell is he?" He said, his voice harsher than he'd expected it to be.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who-"

"Blaine Anderson, the boy you took into a room to watch his father's trial, where the fuck is he?!"

"Sir, if you would please calm down, I will take you to him. Follow me."

Kurt just gave a stiff nod and followed the man through a set of doors. He barely got a glance at the room he was in – the moment he stepped inside, Blaine threw himself into his arms.

"Kurt," he said, his voice completely broken. "He… he's saying I'm lying. B-But I'm not, you know I'm not. Why would he say that?"

"That's his job," Kurt said softly. "He has to try and convince the jury that your dad's innocent."

"But he's _not!"_

"I know that baby, of course I do. I'm sorry you have to watch all of this. You looked terrified."

"You c-could see me?" Blaine repeated, his eyes growing wide with fear.

"Yes… They've linked a camera somewhere in here to play back into the courtroom."

"Oh." Blaine's face fell. Kurt's heart skipped several beats as he watched his boyfriend stand up a little straighter and brush down his jacket. "Can you t-take me to see Rose? I think… I think I need to talk to her."

Kurt nodded and took hold of Blaine's hand without saying anything. Together they walked through the courthouse. Rose was stood with Burt, Carole and Cooper, near the main reception area.

"Kurt, what the _hell _was that in the courtroom?" Burt exploded as soon as the two boys were within earshot. "That could lose us the entire case! You need to control your god damn temper!"

"Dad-"

"I swear, if that bastard gets let off because of you, I don't know what I'll do!"

"Burt!"

"No Carole, Kurt doesn't realise how serious this is!"

"Dad, shut up for a moment _please. _Blaine wants to speak to Rose. You can rant at me after."

Rose's eyes widened, but she gave a small nod. She and Blaine walked away, leaving the others stood in a slightly awkward silence. Kurt knew that his father was angry at him, but he honestly didn't care. He _knew _that he probably should have controlled his temper, but with the lawyer constantly accusing Blaine of lying, he just couldn't do it.

After only a few minutes, Blaine and Rose returned. She looked unhappy, and that was to say the least. Blaine looked as though he was going to faint. He glanced up at Kurt and gave a small smile.

"B-Blaine… are you okay?" Cooper asked gently. When he nodded, he continued. "What did you say to Rose?"

Blaine looked at Rose, who gave him a small, encouraging nod. Then he looked at Kurt and took a deep breath in a final attempt to calm his nerves.

"I want to testify."


	22. Facing Fears

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **Again, I feel the need to apologise for any mistakes regarding the legal system in this chapter. Hopefully it isn't too far from the truth.

* * *

**Chapter 22: Facing Fears**

* * *

Silence followed Blaine's words. Burt and Carole looked dazed, as though they had never seen him before. Cooper looked slightly angry, almost like he couldn't believe Blaine would even suggest such a thing. Kurt's expression was the hardest to read. He looked confused and angry; there was something else, but it was hard to read. Rose turned and muttered something about telling the judge and the lawyers before leaving. It was Cooper that recovered first.

"Are you sure you want to do that, little brother?" He asked in a whisper. "They aren't exactly going to be nice to you in there. It's vicious."

"I'm sure," Blaine replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "I just... I can't stand just sitting there doing _nothing._I don't want to be accused of being a liar and not have the opportunity to defend myself. If that means I have to stand up and t-testify, then I'll do it."

Without warning, Kurt pulled Blaine into a tight, bone-crushing hug, kissing the top of his head.

"Kurt, what-"

"You're so brave. I can't even begin to explain how proud I am of you."

That was when it hit. Pride – that was the third emotion hidden in Kurt's features. Blaine let out a quiet laugh and wrapped his arms around his waist, a sigh escaping his lips. He always felt comfortable in Kurt's arms, no matter where they were, but this was different. He felt safe, like he was home.

Their happiness was short-lived. Barely five had passed when Rose returned, telling them that they had to go back into the courtroom. The judge was going to allow Blaine to testify, and had agreed to let Kurt back into the trial, as long as he stayed quiet.

They walked back to the courtroom in silence. Burt and Carole walked in front, talking to Cooper and Rose in low whispers. Blaine and Kurt remained at the back of the group. They walked in silence, their hands entwined. They knew that they would have to let go of each other soon, and neither boy was looking forward to it. As they approached the door that led to the courtroom, the district attorney stopped them.

"Blaine? I'm Michael Walker, the DA." He held out a hand for Blaine to shake, smiling. His smile faltered when Blaine didn't respond. "Okay… Rose has just told me you're willing to testify. We haven't had time to prepare you properly, so I'm going to help you through it and try to make it as easy as possible for you, alright? The questions I ask are going to hurt and you're probably going to have to talk about stuff you've never told anyone-"

"That's not true," Blaine interrupted, finally speaking.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said that's not true. I've talked to Kurt about… this."

"Have you told him _everything_?" When Blaine remained silent, he sighed. "That's what I thought. I'm going to have to get it all out of you when we're in there. Like I said, I'll make it as easy as I possibly can. I'm afraid the same can't be said for your father's lawyer."

Blaine's breath hitched in his throat. He'd seen how the other man had acted towards Cooper and Burt, and he'd seen how brutal and ruthless he had been towards Kurt. He knew that the lawyer would try and make him out to be nothing but a filthy liar. Blaine knew he only had one shot at getting his father sent to prison, and he was determined _not_ to screw it up.

The group re-entered the courtroom, not surprised to see that it was already full. Michael walked over to his desk and shuffled some of his papers, and Burt, Carole, Cooper and Rose moved to their seats. Kurt had remained by Blaine's side, obviously unsure what to do.

"Blaine, I-"

"I'm fine," he whispered, giving Kurt's hand a gentle squeeze. Blaine smiled when he squeezed back. "Go and sit down, seriously. I_ have_ to do this… I can't just let him get away with it."

Kurt hesitated, but eventually gave a small nod. He pressed their lips together briefly and moved to sit beside Carole, who took hold of his hand.

Blaine took a deep breath and walked to the witness stand, taking his spot. Only when he was there did he allow himself to look around the courtroom. The jury were watching him closely, obviously focusing on his every move. His family – because they were _all _his family now, including Burt and Carole – were sat, each of them holding hands. Finally, Blaine turned his gaze to his father. His breath caught short when their eyes met. Andrew Anderson was staring, no _leering_ at his youngest son. Just the intensity of his gaze made him shiver. It was horrible. Blaine felt like he was going to be sick, and all he'd done was looked at him.

"Court is now in session," the judge said, banging her gavel once.

Michael gave a curt nod and stood.

"Raise your hand," he said to the boy. Blaine did as he was told, biting his lip. "Do you promise that the testimony you give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

He didn't believe in God and at any rate, why would he help Blaine? Apparently he was living a life of sin – God wouldn't help him in this situation, so… what was the point in swearing on him? Although, he did read somewhere that God was supposed to be omnibenevolent, meaning that he loved everyone. Would that mean he was accepted, or was he still a sinner in the eyes of religion? He mentally shook himself and answered the question. Now was_ not_ the time to get distracted.

"I do," Blaine said.

"Please state your first and last name, just for the record."

"Blaine Anderson."

"You are the youngest son of Andrew Anderson, and the younger brother of Cooper Anderson, correct?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember what you said in your original statement?" Blaine nodded at the lawyer. "Would you like to repeat if for the ladies and gentlemen of the jury?"

"Okay…" He said, looking down at his hands. "Um… when I was younger, I never really understood what was going on. My father would lock me in my b-bedroom for hours. I just stayed up there and played with my toys, but… I could hear the screams. I know now that they were Cooper and my mamma… But I didn't understand it at the time."

"Can you remember hearing anything specific?"

"Um… my mamma never really spoke, just screamed as loud as she could. C-Cooper said something once and… I've never forgotten what my father said back."

"What did he say?"

"Um… It was just before Coop moved out, so it was before things got really bad for me. I was only nine… I don't think they realised I was there, but I was at the top of the stairs and I heard what they said…"

"What did he say?" Michael repeated in a gentle voice.

Blaine glanced over to his older brother, his stomach knotting tightly at his expression. Cooper looked horrified, finally realising what Blaine was talking about. The moment was burned in his memory and it always would be – it was the day he'd abandoned his baby brother.

"Cooper t-told my father that he was leaving and when he could, he'd come back for me, to take me away from him…"

"What did your father say after that?"

"He_… _he said that there'd be nothing left of me by the time he was finished. C-Cooper got angry and they fought. He ended up leaving that night."

"What happened after Cooper left?"

"My d-dad came up to find me. That was the first time he hit me. I honestly thought I was going to die – he kept on punching and kicking me, yelling that I was the reason Cooper had gone. He said that if I hadn't been b-born, then Cooper would still be living at home. He said I ruined everything."

"How did he act around you without Cooper in the house?"

"When Cooper was around he just ignored me, like I wasn't there, but when he left, my father never left me alone. He… he wouldn't let my mamma out of the bedroom and I wasn't allowed to see her. I cooked all the meals but um… if he got home from work and he was drunk, he'd throw whatever I'd made across the kitchen and hit me."

"You were attacked at school when you were thirteen, correct?" Blaine nodded. "How did your father react to that?"

"He was angry because my clothes were ruined, and he kept saying that I'd obviously provoked the people who did it."

"What happened then?"

"I told him why they'd attacked me."

"And why were you attacked?"

"Because I'm gay."

"I'm assuming your father didn't take the news very well?"

Blaine shook his head. "He… He told me I was a liar, and that he didn't want his son ruining his life by being a faggot. He wouldn't listen to me and just told me to go. A little while later he came up to my bedroom. He… he kept hitting me. Just when I thought it was going to stop, it started again."

His voice broke slightly at the end. Michael seemed to notice, because he moved away from the subject.

"Okay. What happened when you enrolled at Dalton Academy?"

"Everything changed," Blaine said in a small voice. "I was finally away from my father but… I missed my mamma. I knew she would miss me – when she was having a bad day, I could calm her down."

"How long were you at Dalton for?"

"I joined when I was fourteen and left last month… so three years."

"Why did you leave?"

"My dad stopped paying the tuition. He didn't want me going there any more; one of my friends is gay and he didn't like it. I think he assumed we were dating."

"And were you?"

"No. Jeff's my best friend, nothing more."

Michael nodded. "So you transferred to McKinley High and met Kurt Hummel, correct?" Blaine nodded. "When did he confront you?"

"On my second day; we both auditioned for the school's glee club and he noticed that I had bruises on my neck. He… He asked who'd done it but I didn't answer. I knew if I t-told him, my dad would kill me. But Kurt guessed who it was. He guessed everything."

"Can you tell me what happened on the night of your mother's death?"

"What?" Blaine said, his eyes wide with panic. "What does that have to do with this? My mamma isn't on trial here!"

"I'm sorry Blaine, you misunderstood," Michael said gently. "I mean what happened when you got back to your apartment, when you found out you were going to be staying with Kurt?"

"_Oh,_" he said, blushing. "Sorry. Um… well I went back there with Kurt. He was going to help me pack my things. We got most of it done when the front door opened and we heard him. Kurt d-didn't know who it was, but I did… So I told him to stay quiet. But he still found us."

"What happened when he did?"

"He saw us and threw Kurt across the room, into my mirror. He kicked him and then came at me. He… I don't remember everything… but he kept punching me. I remember being on the floor and him kicking me. I know Kurt tried to stop him, but he was just thrown across the room again. My… my d-dad picked me up and pinned me against the wall. He punched me again… I don't even know how many times… But then it stopped. I don't remember what happened after that. I woke up in a bed, in Kurt's house."

"Thank you Blaine. I have no further questions."

Michael gave him a small smile and sat down. Blaine would have returned it, if his father's lawyer hadn't got to his feet. The next half an hour found the defence lawyer firing questions at him. Each one of them twisted his words, trying to force him to admit to lying. But Blaine stood his ground. He wasn't entirely sure where his sudden strength had come from, but once he had it, he tightened his grasp and refused to let go. Maybe it was seeing Cooper smiling at him, proud that he was keeping it together, or maybe it was Kurt's trembling figure, anxious to know what was going to happen. Either way, strength flowed through his body. He didn't let the other lawyer's questions trip him up in any way.

"No further questions," the lawyer snarled eventually. The corners of Blaine's mouth twitched in satisfaction. He moved from the witness stand and sat beside Kurt, who immediately grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. The lawyer sat in the seat beside Andrew Anderson, looking troubled. Blaine could only hope that it meant good news for him.

"Does the prosecution wish to call any more witnesses?" Michael shook his head. "Does the defence have any more witnesses that they would like to call?" The other lawyer also shook his head. "Very well; we have two more pieces of evidence – first up is Blaine Anderson's original video statement."

A trolley, similar to the one that had been holding the laptop, was wheeled into the courtroom, carrying a television screen. The girl who had brought it in pressed a couple of buttons, nodded at the judge and walked away.

Blaine watched as his own face appeared on the screen. Disgust was the first thing he felt. He recognised the scene immediately. Of course he did; it was his interview with Rose, back at the hospital. Was it really only a month ago? It felt like years had passed. The Blaine on the screen was sat on a chair, wringing his hands together. His breathing was raspy and the rise and fall of his chest had him wincing in pain. Rose sat in the chair opposite him, a notebook and a pen in her hands. The Blaine on the screen looked directly into the camera, the fear in his eyes obvious.

"_W-Why is this being recorded?"_

"_It's necessary, I'm afraid," _Rose said gently. "_It'll be played in court as your testimony. Are you okay?"_

"_Do I really need to answer that?"_

Blaine looked at the version of himself on the screen and agreed with what he had said. The bruising on his face was clear, even through the poor camera quality. They snaked down his neck and along his arms too, where Blaine knew they carried on, scattering across his shoulders, chest and his back.

"_I'm sorry, I had to ask. Don't be scared Blaine. I know this is hard for you, but this has to be done. After this you'll be photographed by a doctor."_

"_Photographed?" _Blaine repeated. "_Why the hell am I being photographed?"_

Rose sighed. "_Blaine, they'll present these photos to the jury in court as evidence. Most of your injuries will have healed by then, so it's essential we get photos. Don't worry; we're only going to ask you to take your shirt off."_

Blaine watched as he answered Rose's questions, a lump in his throat. Had he really sounded that scared? Did he really flinch whenever she leaned in to him, or whenever her voice became too loud? Did he _still_ do that?

The video was only ten minutes long, but by the time it had finished, Blaine was shaking. He wasn't sure why it had affected him so much, but it had. Maybe it was because he'd finally seen how he looked to the others… to Kurt. He looked terrified, afraid of the world.

"The next piece of evidence is the photographs taken of Blaine Anderson, by Doctor Jones of the Lima Memorial Hospital," the judge said. She nodded to a young man and the girl from before. The man handed a plain brown envelope to a member of the jury, while the girl set up something else on the television screen. A gasp escape Blaine's lips as the pictures appeared in a slideshow. Had he _really _looked that bad? His torso was the worst, the bruises completely covering his body. Blaine could feel Kurt's grip on his hand tighten and his breathing become shallower. His eyes were wide and were full of tears. Blaine turned away from the television to look at Kurt, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Once the jury had seen all of the photographs, the judge got to her feet.

"If the jury would like to leave the courtroom to decide on a verdict," she said.

The people in the jury nodded, got to their feet, and walked out of the door behind them. Blaine was trembling from head to toe now. He wasn't sure if he'd ever felt this nervous before. Was he really going to leave his future in the hands of twelve complete strangers? Why the hell had even agreed to testify?! If his dad got off, he'd murder Blaine. Literally murder him. His gaze flickered to his father, his heart stopping. Andrew Anderson was glaring at his youngest son, wearing an expression of pure hatred. A small whimper escaped Blaine's lips and he turned away, pressing his body closer to Kurt. He needed him, needed to feel that he was still there. But what he needed most was Kurt's arms around him, telling him that everything would be alright.

Blaine could practically feel his father's gaze burning him. He closed his eyes, hoping to escape the reality of the whole situation. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't that simple. Kurt gave him a gentle nudge. He opened his eyes and sat up a little straighter, his eyes now fixed on the jury, who had re-entered the room.

"Will the jury foreperson please stand? Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?"

The head of the jury, a tall and stern looking woman, got to her feet elegantly. "We have Your Honour; after hearing both sides of the case, as well as listening to the witnesses and looking at the doctor's photographs, the members of this jury find Mr Andrew Anderson guilty of all charges."

Blaine didn't realise he was holding his breath until he released it all at once after those words. He looked at Kurt, whose mouth was turned up in a grin.

"Mr Anderson is sentenced to eighteen years in prison with immediate effect," the judge said. "Case closed, court is adjourned." And with three quick bangs of her gavel, it was over.

Blaine heard the yelps of excitement and relief that came from his older brother. He was frozen in his seat, disbelieving. It was almost like he was waiting for someone to tell him it was all a joke. But then he saw a police officer walking towards his father with a pair of handcuffs and he knew. It was real. He had won. Someone was pulling him to his feet and he found himself in Kurt's arms.

"You did it baby, we did it. We _won!"_

It was this that made him react. Blaine covered his mouth with his hand, both laughing and crying. He couldn't help but pull Kurt into a passionate kiss. Fuck everything, he'd sent a homophobe to prison, why the hell couldn't he celebrate?

"You're disgusting! You filthy fag, I swear to god when I get out I'll rip you _all _limb from limb."

Blaine pulled away from Kurt's lips to face his father. Then he did something he couldn't remember doing in his life. He smiled at his father. Okay, so it was more of a satisfied smirk, but still. He saw Kurt turn sharply, ready to scream and yell at the man, but both Cooper and Blaine held him back.

"Don't Kurt, its fine."

"But, he just-"

"I know he did," Cooper said. "But he can't hurt any of us. He's gone."

Kurt seemed to see the sense in these words. He turned back to Blaine and kissed him. Blaine kissed him back without any hesitation, unable to stop smiling.

"Don't cry baby. It's over now," Kurt whispered, brushing the track of tears on his cheeks with his fingertips. "It's all over."

Blaine nodded numbly, still not entirely sure if he was breathing. He hadn't even realised he was crying. Nothing felt real. His father was going to prison… they had _won._

"Okay, move over lovebirds," Cooper said. "I want to hug my baby brother!"

Kurt laughed and let go of Blaine, leaving the older Anderson brother to pull him into a tight hug.

"Well done squirt," he said, his voice thick with unshed tears. "You were so brave up there! I'm proud of you, hobbit."

Blaine didn't reply. He didn't think he could – who knew when the ability to speak would return to him? He certainly didn't. He could only hug Cooper tighter, feeling like his legs would give way any second. He felt a gentle pat on his back and turned his head to see Carole. He let go of Cooper and hugged her, making her give a small chuckle. Then Blaine did something no one expected him to do. He threw himself into Burt's arms, giving him a tight hug.

"Woah, calm down kiddo," he said, smiling.

"Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you so much Mr Hummel."

"There's no point in even telling you to call me Burt, is there?"

Blaine gave a shaky laugh and shook his head. When he'd released Burt, Kurt took hold of his hand again.

"This deserves a celebration," Burt announced. "Come on; let's go have lunch somewhere nice. It's my treat."

"Excuse me?" said Cooper. "I think _I'm_ paying for this one."

"Do you really want to start an argument about this, Anderson?"

"I will if you make me Hummel," he replied, grinning. "Rose, do you want to join us?"

Rose looked slightly taken aback at Cooper's words, but gave a small smile and a nod. She looked even more surprised when Cooper told hold of her hand and gave a small wink.

Kurt started urging him out of the courtroom, his arms wrapped securely around Blaine's waist, constantly nuzzling into his neck. Blaine was afraid he would explode in the middle of the hallway. He was still numb – they had actually beaten his father. He was _free._

They followed Burt, Carole, Cooper and Rose without paying attention to them. Kurt was still nuzzling Blaine's neck with his nose.

"I take it you're happy?" Blaine whispered. Kurt grinned and nodded.

"I think it's a cause for celebration, don't you?" When Blaine nodded, he grinned again. "I don't mean the kind of celebration my dad has in mind either."

Blaine's heart skipped a beat and he gave another shaky laugh. As they walked out of the doors of the courthouse, into the busy street, Blaine didn't feel tempted to look back. He was leaving his old life behind once and for all, ready for the new one that was set up for him. He'd never felt happier.


	23. The First Time

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **First off, I wanted to thank you for your reviews - they give me inspiration and motivation to actually carry on writing.

I'm aware that the end of the last chapter was... vague. I'm sorry, I should have made it clear that there would be another chapter. So I'm going to say it now, this is NOT the last chapter! There will be more of this.

This entire chapter is basically smut. If you don't want to read it, leave me a message and I'll tell you the basics of what happened, so you aren't behind in the story.

Yes, this is a top!Kurt chapter; if you don't like it then I'm sorry, but stuck around because there _will _be top!Blaine in later chapters.

* * *

**Chapter 23: The First Time**

* * *

The group ended up going to a small, but pleasant restaurant just outside of Lima. It was nearly empty when they got there and the staff seemed thankful to have customers. Cooper insisted that it was a great place and that the food was amazing. A waitress pushed two tables together immediately and set about getting them seated. She was friendly, chatting with them for a while but best of all, she didn't look down on Kurt and Blaine, who'd kept their hands entwined from the moment they left the courthouse.

The change in Blaine was startling. Cooper watched as he talked with Rose about her career and laughed at Burt's jokes. Turn the clocks back a month and his little brother would have been terrified to talk to anyone but him and their mamma. Yet here he was, sitting and talking cheerfully, obviously comfortable. Kurt glanced at Cooper from across the table and grinned. He gave Blaine's hand a gentle squeeze – something Cooper didn't miss. In that moment, he knew they were feeling the same thing for Blaine; pride. The boy had overcome so much in such a short space of time, and Cooper had never felt prouder.

"_Damn_ that was some good grub," Burt said a little while later. "Nice choice Cooper."

"Thanks Burt. I'll… be right back." Cooper got up and left the table. It took Burt thirty seconds to realise where he was going and why.

"Oh no he doesn't," he growled, getting to his feet. "Anderson, get back here!"

"What is he _doing_?" Kurt said. But then they saw the two of them arguing at the till, both of them pulling their wallets out. Then he understood. "Oh god, this is so humiliating."

"We get it all the time," their waitress said, coming back over to collect their empty plates. "We usually try to guess who will end up paying."

"Ten bucks says Cooper pays," Blaine said to Kurt, grinning.

"You're on, I'm going with dad."

The waitress laughed at them and walked away, her arms loaded with dishes. Eventually, Burt and Cooper came back, the older man looking disgruntled.

"What's wrong honey?" Carole said to him, trying not to laugh.

"He didn't let me pay. He wouldn't even tell me how much it cost."

Blaine let out a cheer, causing Burt to frown, confused. Kurt rolled his eyes and handed over the money.

"I'd better get going, my bus is in ten minutes," Rose said, getting to her feet. "I have a lot of work to get through. Kurt, I'll get back to you on what you asked me, alright? Blaine, I'm so happy for you. It was lovely to see you all again."

"I'll drive you home," Cooper said, also standing up. "It's not fair for you to have to get a bus alone."

Rose smiled, her cheeks pink. "That would be nice," she said quietly. Cooper, ever the gentlemen, put his jacket around her shoulders. They said goodbye to them all, Cooper promising to phone Blaine the next day, and left.

"He's smitten with her, isn't he?" Carole said, smiling at the door Cooper and Rose had disappeared through. Blaine nodded at her, also smiling. "Are you boys ready to go home?" She asked. "It's been a long day."

"I couldn't agree more," Blaine muttered, making Burt laugh.

The drive back to the Hummel/Hudson household was silent, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Once they were at the house, Burt and Carole told the two boys that they were going out.

"Where are you going?" Kurt asked.

"To see Carole's parents; I'm guessing you two don't wanna come?" Kurt rolled his eyes at his father. "That's what I thought. We won't be back 'till late, so you'll have to make yourselves dinner. Do me a favour and text Finn the results of the trial? He's been worrying all week."

They left the house and _finally _Kurt and Blaine were alone. Immediately, Kurt shoved Blaine against the nearest wall and crashed their lips together. The moment their lips connected, Blaine felt a jolt of electricity shoot through him and a small moan escaped his throat. He knew Kurt had been dying to get him alone and now he had. Blaine deepened the kiss, parting his lips and sweeping his tongue into Kurt's mouth. Kurt smiled and moved his mouth away from Blaine's, brushing over his neck.

Without warning, "_It's My Life_" starting blaring through the hallway. Kurt growled and tugged his phone out of his pocket, angry at the interruption.

"What is it Finn?"

"_How did you know it was me?"_

"You insisted on your ringtone being Bon Jovi."

"_Oh yeah; you can't deny, he's a good-"_

"What do you want Finn?" Kurt snapped, making Blaine snort with laughter.

"_Oh, sorry dude, how'd the trial go?"_

"It was fine. We won. He's going away for eighteen years."

"_Hey man, that's great! Listen, the guys were thinking about going to Breadstix. Do you two fancy coming?"_

"Not really Finn. After today, we just want to stay home."

"_Aw c'mon, everyone's dying to see you! Why don't we all come over?"_

"No! Tell them we'll see them tomorrow, okay? Blaine and I want to be alone."

"_But what…? Oh man, are you two going to fu-"_

"Goodbye Finn!" Kurt hung up on his step brother, hissing through his teeth. Without saying a word, he took Blaine's hand and led him downstairs.

They fell onto the bed, their lips never breaking contact. Kurt rolled them over so he was on top, trailing kisses along Blaine's neck. He tugged at his tie, throwing it to the floor, before unbuttoning his shirt with fumbling fingers. Blaine's chest was exposed to the cool air and he let out a small hiss. Then Kurt's lips were on him again, moving past the sensitive spot on his neck and along his collarbone. He began sucking lightly, which caused Blaine to buck his hips and groan.

"Patience," Kurt murmured against his skin. "I want us to become very well acquainted with each other's bodies."

"Kurt, _please_."

"Be patient baby, I just want to get to know your body."

Blaine let out a whimper but nodded. Kurt grinned and returned to what he was doing. Very slowly, he dragged his lips down Blaine's body. He stopped at each nipple, letting his tongue flick over them. It was taking all of Blaine's efforts not to grab Kurt and kiss him as hard as he could. Kurt kept up his deliciously slow pace and eventually, Blaine was lying in his underwear.

"I think one of us is overdressed," he said in a low voice.

Kurt barked out a laugh and shrugged out of his shirt and jeans, then climbed on top of Blaine again. Before he could do anything, Blaine flipped them over and began kissing him again. He tasted, almost tentatively, with his tongue and Kurt opened his mouth with a moan. Slowly and cautiously, Blaine moved his lips away from Kurt's, exploring his neck and collarbone. He grazed the skin with his teeth and then moved up along his arms.

"Blaine, what are you-?"

"Shh baby," he whispered. "You said you want us to get to know each other, that's what I'm doing."

"But I didn't mean… _oh_!" Kurt let out a noise that was almost like a sob when Blaine's lips brushed against the inside of his wrist. Blaine raised an eyebrow and repeated the action, causing another whine to escape his throat.

"Really… the inside of your wrist?" He said.

Kurt blushed. "Shut up, it… it makes me feel loved."

"You are loved," Blaine muttered, pressing another kiss to Kurt's wrist. "Very, _very_ loved. But I want something from you."

Kurt sat up slightly, frowning. "What do you want?"

"Um… Well, it's sort of…"

"Just tell me honey. You know we can share anything, right?"

"I know, it's just… we've only been together for a month and it's really soon but…" He took a deep breath. "I just really want you to sleep with me."

"I thought that's what we were doing-"

"No Kurt, I mean I want everything. I want you_ inside_ me. I trust you to do it."

"Oh. Are… are you sure?" He nodded. "I'd love to."

"You would? You don't think it's too quick, or too soon or-"

"You're rambling baby," Kurt said gently. "It may be a bit fast, but_… god_ I want to. You're definitely sure about this?"

Blaine was silent for a few seconds before he nodded. "I am."

"Okay um… stay there. I'll go get some lube and a condom."

Blaine nodded again and watched as Kurt got to his feet. He stripped off his underwear in one swift, fluid motion and moved across the room, opening a drawer and rummaging inside. Blaine took the opportunity to study Kurt, really _seeing_ his boyfriend for the first time. He'd never really thought about what a guy actually looked like before. Blaine always knew he was gay, but he never thought about what that actually meant. But all he could think about was how fucking perfect Kurt's cock looked. It may have been creepy, but he couldn't help it, especially because he knew he was the reason Kurt was so turned on. Kurt turned around and blushed under Blaine's gaze. He walked back to the bed and set the condom on the table beside them.

"Take your underwear off," he said, "then lie back on the bed and spread your legs."

Blaine nodded and did what he was told, relaxing against the pillows on Kurt's bed. Kurt opened the bottle of lube in his hand and poured a generous amount onto his fingers.

"Are you sure you're ready?" He whispered. When Blaine nodded, he reached out to stroke the hole in front of him. Blaine stiffened involuntarily at the touch and let out a long breath.

"Please Blaine; tell me if it's too much at any point."

"I… I will."

"Good. The more relaxed you are, the better it will feel." He whispered, slowly inserting a finger into him. Blaine immediately started taking deep breaths, focusing on the how Kurt felt inside him. There wasn't as much discomfort as he'd expected – some pressure, a slight burning stretch here and there, but that was it. Kurt's other hand had worked its way to Blaine's cock, stroking it slowly as he kissed his neck. Flashes of pleasure shot up his spine, causing him to relax even more.

"I c-can handle more, please."

Kurt just nodded and slowly inserted another finger, causing Blaine to give a soft moan. He felt like he was melting into the sheets. Then a sudden jolt of pleasure shot through his body, taking him by complete surprise. He opened his eyes and he stared at Kurt, his mouth slightly open. The blue eyes stared back at him and a small, satisfied smirk appeared on his lips. Kurt adjusted his position, stroking again.

"_Fuck_! Oh my god Kurt_… shit_!"

Blaine threw his head back, squeezing his eyes shut as Kurt continued to move his fingers. The sparks of pleasure were different to anything he'd ever experienced before; they started deep inside of him, burning up his spine and through his body until he was trembling from pure desire. Blaine started moaning brokenly, his chest heaving with uneven breaths. He was rambling, moans still escaping his throat. He started to move his hips with Kurt's fingers without realising it.

"Shit Blaine, you… fuck."

"Kurt, please. I need you!"

"Are you ready for this?"

"For the love of god, just fuck me. God dammit Kurt, I need you!"

Kurt let out a nervous laugh and slowly withdrew his fingers. Blaine didn't mourn the loss of contact; he watched as Kurt rolled on a condom, trembling slightly. He spread a little more lube onto him and lined himself up with Blaine. The two stared at each other for a long moment.

Then Kurt pushed himself in at an agonisingly slow pace. He let out a hiss and Blaine couldn't help but grimace in pain as the stretch became even more intense.

"Can you just stop for a second, p-please?"

"Of course baby, I'm sorry."

Kurt's voice was tight and strained. It was obvious how worried he was about hurting him. Blaine took several deep breaths to calm himself and moved his hand to stroke up and down Kurt's back. It didn't take him very long to relax – soon he was nodding at Kurt to move again. Before he knew it, Kurt had bottomed out and was trembling above him, waiting for permission to move again. It wasn't as bad as Blaine expected, but it was uncomfortable and stretching. Not to mention he felt so fucking full.

"Okay," he said breathlessly. "Yeah, go ahead."

"If you need me to stop, just-"

"Kurt, just m-move, please?"

Kurt nodded and slowly moved in and out, careful to keep his pace gentle. The first couple of thrusts made Blaine close his eyes and take several deep, calming breaths. He couldn't help it – everything was brand new to him, his body wasn't used to it. What surprised him was how quickly he adjusted. The intense, almost uncontrollable pleasure from before came back all at once. Instead of being overwhelmed by it, the sensation of Kurt inside him was just _phenomenal. _Low moans of pleasure came from Blaine, making Kurt smile slightly.

And then Kurt hit Blaine's prostate.

"_Fuck_ Kurt! Holy shit!"

Kurt laughed softly and thrust on the same spot again. Blaine wrapped his legs around his waist, hooking his ankles to make sure he stayed at the same angle. They were both wrecked; faces and chests flushed, sweat sticking to their bodies and damp hair hanging in their eyes. They were both shaking uncontrollably as they slammed into each other, over and over again. It was sensational.

Each hit to his prostate had Blaine moaning incoherently, gradually getting louder. He grasped at Kurt's back with his fingers, digging in hard as the intense waves jolted through his spine.

"D-Do you need me to touch you?" Kurt managed to gasp.

"No. I'm so fucking close – oooh fuck, Kurt!"

Blaine's head snapped back onto the pillows and his back arched off the bed. His release slammed through him, leaving him shaking and sobbing Kurt's name. Fireworks exploded behind his eyes and his breath was raspy and tight.

The moment Blaine tightened around him, Kurt knew he was a goner. His orgasm crashed over him and he shouted Blaine's name, his hips snapping forwards one last time. He shuddered with the intensity. The two of them fell into a slow rhythm, easing each other through the aftershocks.

Kurt collapsed on top of Blaine without meaning to. Blaine gave a shaky laugh and ran his hands up and down his back in slow circles.

"Are you okay?" Kurt mumbled.

"I've never been happier," he said honestly.

Kurt let out a deep breath, calming slightly. He pulled himself up and out of Blaine, rolling off the bed. Blaine winced at the loss of contact, but relaxed almost immediately. He was ready to drift off in a blissful sleep, even though it was only early afternoon.

When Kurt climbed back into the bed, he had a damp cloth with him. He wiped them both down quickly before tossing it into his washing basket. He settled back to cuddle Blaine, spooning him and holding him close. Blaine snuggled back and gave a soft sigh of content.

"How sore are you?"

"Not very," he said groggily. "It was more intense than I expected."

"Don't worry; it was the same for me. Blaine, can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can."

"I… I think I want to try bottoming…"

Blaine inhaled sharply and bit his lip, but didn't turn around. "Are you sure? I mean, I'd love to but you don't have to do it if you don't want to, I'm perfectly happy the way I am, the way we are-"

"You're rambling again sweetie," Kurt said, pressing a soft kiss to the birthmark on the back of Blaine's neck. "But I want to try it. I trust you."

"Okay, but we aren't doing it now. I don't even think I have the energy to blink."

"I wasn't going to suggest trying it now you moron, I'm tired too. But it's something we can do in the future, yeah?"

Blaine nodded and stifled a yawn. Kurt smiled and pulled the duvet tighter around them. Blaine's breathing changed and within a matter of seconds, he was asleep. Kurt took the opportunity to study his body; dimples in his back, the cute cluster of freckles on his right shoulder, the small birthmark on the back of his neck, his curls, free of gel, sticking up in all directions. Kurt let out a soft sigh – Blaine was perfect. And he was all his.

Kurt closed his eyes and slid an arm around Blaine's waist, finally giving into his fatigue.

And that was how Burt Hummel found them a couple of hours later; wrapped under the duvet, holding each other tightly, fast asleep.


	24. Saying Goodbye

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **I've lost count the amount of times I've said this - sorry for the delay. Christmas was absolutely hectic, and it was a struggle to update. But now it's here. This chapter was quite hard for me to write. It didn't seem to want to come out, but there was also the fact I was crying as I typed. Anyway, here it is.

* * *

**Chapter 24: Saying Goodbye**

* * *

The next day passed in a blur. Despite Blaine's euphoria at his and Kurt's relationship going to the next level, there was the feeling of cold, hard dread knotting around his stomach. His mother's funeral was scheduled for the following day and he was, once again, taking the day off school. But he didn't care – if the teachers actually thought he'd be able to concentrate, they had another thing coming. Blaine was distracted for the whole day before the funeral, unable to focus on one thing. He didn't even realise that Mr Schue had given him and Kurt a duet for Nationals until Kurt repeated it to him a few minutes later, in a soft voice. He had tried to smile, he really had, but it was impossible.

Principal Figgins had granted Blaine the day of the funeral off, but had refused to allow Kurt to be with him. Kurt wasn't going to let it stop him. He had argued for hours with the Principal, saying that it was unfair to let a seventeen year old to go through it alone. But Figgins had still refused, claiming that Kurt had already taken too much time off school.

"Don't worry about it sweetie," Kurt said when they were lying in bed that night. "I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm not going to leave you."

Blaine sniffed. "I'm just scared. I can't do this alone."

Those words broke Kurt's heart. He wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist and pulled him closer. "Blaine Anderson, you listen to me. You're not going to be alone, okay? I'm going to be right next to you, holding your hand the entire time. If you want me to stay with you when you sing, then I will. I'll sit next to you and I'll hold you. I won't let you be alone."

For some reason, these words made Blaine cry even harder. Kurt let out a soft sigh and kissed his forehead softly. He moved his hand to Blaine's face and traced the track of tears with his fingertips.

"Go to sleep baby," he whispered. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

Blaine gave a small nod and closed his eyes. It took a while but eventually, his breathing slowed and he drifted off to sleep. Kurt waited for a little while and once he was positive Blaine wouldn't wake up, he slipped out of bed. The other boy pouted a little, but he didn't stir. Kurt tiptoed out of the bedroom, dialling a number on his phone as he went.

"_What do you want Kurt?"_

"Hello to you too Rachel," he said, rolling his eyes.

"_You haven't phoned me in over a year… what do you want?" _She repeated.

"Is everyone still coming tomorrow?"

"_Yes of course. Why, don't you want us to go? Because if you do then that's not fair, we want to support Blaine as much as you do-"_

"Shut up, will you? I'm not asking you to stay away. Blaine's upset and I just wanted to make sure. He's convinced he's alone in all of this."

"_Have you told him that he isn't?"_

"What do you think?" Kurt snapped. "Of course I've told him that. But that doesn't stop him from being upset. This is hard for him."

"_Okay, I'm sorry… Yes Kurt, we're going to be there tomorrow. He doesn't know, does he?"_

"No, I haven't told him. I think it'll be nice to surprise him and let him know he has us."

"_Okay good. Um… are you okay?"_

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"_Just trying to make conversation…"_

Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and finger and let out a sigh. "Sorry I just… I don't usually do phone calls, you know?"

"_You used to when we were friends."_

"I know. People change."

Rachel was silent for a minute. When she spoke again, her voice was soft. _"What happened to us Kurt? We used to be such good friends. You used to tell me everything."_

"People change," he repeated, although it wasn't as harsh as before. "I'm not the same person that I used to be. I've changed, Rachel."

"_I know you have… Listen, I have to go, I don't want to oversleep tomorrow. Kurt?"_

"Yes?"

"_I still love you, okay? Even if you don't like me anymore, I still think of you as my friend. Bye."_

She hung up. Kurt put his phone back in his pocket and let out a long breath. Rachel was right – they _had _been good friends, best friends even. But then _Karofsky_ happened and Kurt had pushed everyone away. Yes, it would be nice to be friends with her again, to go back to the way things were but he was a different person. Kurt liked people avoiding him. He was no longer bullied, he didn't have to worry about being thrown in the dumpsters or having slushies thrown at him when he walked down the corridor. He mentally shook himself – he _really _didn't want to think about it, not now. With another sigh, he went back into his bedroom and slipped into bed beside Blaine. The other boy immediately put his arms around him, still asleep, and Kurt smiled.

* * *

Blaine woke early. A glance at the clock on the wall told him it was four in the morning. He got up slowly, running his hands through his hair. At first he couldn't understand why he felt so bad or why his eyes were aching. Then he remembered. The realisation hit him like a ton of bricks. The funeral was in a few hours.

Before he knew what was happening, Blaine was sat on the bathroom floor, his breathing harsh. How had he even ended up in the bathroom?! He had no idea. The one thing he did know was that he was panicking and he had no way of stopping it. He tried thinking of positive things – the fact his father could never hurt him again, Cooper returning to Ohio just to be with him, Kurt being… well, Kurt. But none of it stayed in his mind for long, his pain and his fear overtaking them.

Blaine squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could. What the fuck was going on with him? His panic attacks had never been this bad before. He could literally feel the breath being stolen from his lungs, his ribs protesting furiously. Blaine felt like his head was being split in two; was he going insane? His mind was screaming different things at him, and he had no idea what to make of it.

_Your mamma left. She abandoned you._

_No, she didn't abandon you. She did what she felt was right._

_Her funeral is today; surely you can get closure and move on now?_

_You've been happy. Do you know how disgusting that is? You're happy when your mamma is dead. You were happy to sleep with your boyfriend and go for a meal with his family, when any normal person would be grieving?! She would be disappointed in you._

_Maybe you did deserve what your father gave you._

"NO!" Blaine screamed, banging his head on the wall behind him. The action made his head go fuzzy but it made him feel better. He did it again and seemed to calm slightly.

"Blaine," a soft, musical voice said. "What are you-? Blaine!"

The voice sounded confused, scared even. But Blaine didn't seem to have the energy to open his eyes and see. He knew it was Kurt, he wasn't stupid. But he didn't understand why he was there.

"Blaine, what's happening? Come on baby, you need to sit up. Can you do that for me?"

Very slowly, Blaine opened his eyes. He was lying on the bathroom floor. When had he lay down?! He was sat up only a few minutes ago. Kurt was kneeling beside him, biting his lip. He helped him into a sitting position with gentle hands. Blaine tried to speak, but the second he opened his mouth, air came rushing out in a long, harsh breath.

"It's okay Blaine," Kurt whispered, brushing his lips against his forehead. "Just focus on me and breathe. Can you do that? Take deep breaths and try to relax. I've got you."

How was Blaine supposed to take deep breaths when it was impossible to get his lungs to work? He tried breathing in, only for the air to get lodged in his throat. He knew that there wasn't enough oxygen getting to his lungs, and it was painful. It was almost like he was being crushed from inside.

Blaine heard Kurt humming quietly and tried to focus on the sounds. He listened as carefully as he could over his harsh breathing, closing his eyes. He had no idea what Kurt was humming, but it was beautiful. Blaine could feel his hand and squeezed it.

"That's right honey," Kurt whispered. "Squeeze my hand. Count how many times you squeeze it in your head, alright? Focus on that for me Blaine."

He tried to nod, but it made him feel even dizzier. So Blaine did as Kurt said; he squeezed his hand and counted how many times he'd done it. Blaine could feel his body shaking and his chest shudder every time he took a breath but he knew that slowly, his panic attack was subsiding.

"That's it, keep squeezing. You're doing brilliantly."

"Kurt," he managed to gasp with enormous effort.

"I'm here Blaine, I'm right here."

"Kurt." It was almost a whine. Blaine squeezed the hand even tighter and closed his eyes again, focusing on the still-frantic rise and fall of his chest.

"What is it? What do you need?"

"Love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," Kurt said, kissing his forehead once again.

At Kurt's words, Blaine's breathing slowed to an almost-normal rate. He sat up straighter, still clutching Kurt's hand like it was a lifeline.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

"You don't have to thank me. How many times did you count?"

"Seven hundred and forty-three."

"Damn, that's pretty… impressive."

Blaine managed a small smile. "Did you find me like… that?"

Kurt nodded. "I was half-awake when you got out of bed, but I didn't really do anything. I thought you were just going toilet or something. But then I heard you breathing funny."

"And then?"

"Then you screamed. So I came in and you were just lying on the floor. I didn't know what had happened, but I could see you were having a panic attack."

"It's never been that bad before," Blaine whispered. "I couldn't breathe." He wiped away his tears, his fingers still trembling slightly.

"You're okay now," Kurt said, wrapping his arms around him. "I've got you. Do you want to go back to bed?" Blaine shook his head. "What do you want to do then? The service doesn't start until nine."

"I… I don't really feel like doing anything Kurt. I'm going to lie down for a while; you don't have to stay with me if you don't want to."

"Don't be ridiculous Blaine. I'm not going to leave your side."

"You w-won't?"

"I promise."

Blaine gave a grateful nod and allowed Kurt to help him to his feet. They went back into the bedroom and climbed into bed. Kurt wrapped his arms around the younger boy, kissing the top of his head gently. Blaine gave a small smile at the feeling and rested his head on Kurt's chest, closing his eyes. He felt safe in his arms, even though he was in pain. Kurt started humming softly, making Blaine smile again.

* * *

"Should I go and get them?"

Carole glanced over to where Cooper was sitting and gave a soft sigh. The older Anderson sibling had been at their house for several hours; he was already in his suit, ready for the funeral. In all the times she had seen him, whether it be face-to-face, or on TV, Carole had never seen Cooper look so… lost. She looked at her watch and gave a nod.

"I think they're in the basement. It's their bedroom," she added when he looked confused.

Cooper nodded and got to his feet, giving her a small smile. He went down the stairs slowly and knocked on the door in front of him. He heard Kurt's voice answer the knock and entered the room. Despite everything, Cooper couldn't help but smile at the sight before him. Kurt and Blaine had already changed into their suits and were half-lying, half-sitting on the bed. Kurt had his arms around Blaine and was holding him close.

"Cooper?" Blaine said, sitting a little straighter. "What are you doing here?"

"Burt phoned me last night. He's going to give me a lift to mamma's funeral."

"What about Sean?"

"Who?" Kurt said, frowning.

"My best friend," Cooper answered Kurt. "He's meeting us at the church."

"Is… is it time to go?" He asked quietly. When Cooper nodded he gave a shaky sigh and got to his feet. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and straightened his bowtie, his fingers trembling.

"We'll be up in a minute Cooper," Kurt said.

The older Anderson brother raised his eyebrow, but left without saying a word. As soon as he did, Kurt moved to Blaine's side. He could see just how much Blaine was holding back, not wanting to release his grief. There were unshed tears in his eyes and his bottom lip was trembling.

"Come on sweetie," he said softly. "It's okay to be upset."

Kurt's words were his undoing. The tears finally fell from Blaine's eyes as he allowed himself to be embraced by his boyfriend.

"I just c-can't believe today's the day. My mamma's g-gone _forever. _I'm never going to see her again."

"I know it's hard, but she wouldn't want you to be like this. She-"

"How would you know?! You didn't know her. You didn't sit with her when she was happy, listening to her talk about things. You didn't sit for hours trying to calm her down when she was upset, terrified that my dad was going to hurt her. You didn't _know_ her, Kurt!"

Kurt looked as though he'd been slapped and Blaine immediately regretted his outburst. He expected Kurt to let go of him and go upstairs. What he didn't expect was for him to tighten his grip and plant a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"I'm sorry Blaine," he whispered. "You're right, I didn't know her. But I know _you_. Cooper told me that you have a really similar personality to her. If it was _you__r _funeral and not hers, you wouldn't want her to be upset, would you?"

"N-No," he said, bowing his head.

"Exactly. I'm sorry this is happening to you, Blaine. I'm just trying to help you sweetie."

"I… I'm sorry Kurt. This is just so hard."

"I know it is. But I'm not going to leave your side, alright? I'm here for you."

"Th-Thank you," Blaine said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"We have to leave," Kurt said gently. "Are you ready for this?"

"No. But I don't think I'll ever be."

Kurt gave him a small, sympathetic smile and took hold of his hand. Together, they walked out of Kurt's bedroom and up the stairs. They found Cooper in the living room, sat with Carole, Burt and Finn, obviously waiting for them.

"You boys all ready to go?" Burt asked kindly. They nodded silently and he stood. "Okay then. Kurt, is it alright if we all go in your car?"

Kurt gave a shrug. The six of them headed outside and climbed into Kurt's Navigator. The car journey was tense; Kurt had refused to drive, choosing to sit in the back, between Cooper and Blaine. He kept hold of the younger boy's hand, murmuring soft words of comfort. Cooper stared out of the window the whole time, his hands clenched into fists.

After what seemed like an age, they reached the church. Blaine looked up at the building and took a deep breath. He knew he had to stay strong, for Cooper's sake as well as his own. He gave his older brother a small smile, relieved when he smiled back before disappearing into the building, followed by Burt, Carole and Finn.

"Blaine, Kurt!"

They turned to see Nick and Jeff walking towards them, both wearing black suits. As soon as they reached Kurt and Blaine, they pulled both of them into a tight hug.

"You c-came," Blaine managed to say, his voice thick with unshed tears.

"Of course we did Blaine Warbler," Jeff said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"We're your best friends, we're here for you," said Nick.

"Thank you."

"Come on Blaine," Kurt said softly. "We should be getting inside. I take it you guys are sitting with us?"

Nick and Jeff nodded. Blaine didn't miss the way they glanced at Kurt, nor did he miss when Kurt gave a small, almost invisible nod. He frowned, but Kurt gave him a light nudge and he cleared the thought from his mind, walking into the church.

Blaine looked around the people gathered, his jaw dropping. It wasn't the nine people he'd originally thought. The room was almost full – Cooper was sat with Rose and his best friend Sean, who'd flown in from New York. Burt and Carole were also there, talking to the man who was going to run the ceremony. But what surprised Blaine most was the group of teenagers, filling up five rows on their own - both the New Directions and the Warblers were there. They turned and smiled at the sight of Blaine. Rachel got up and hugged him tightly around the middle without saying anything. Santana also got to her feet and pulled Blaine into a hug.

"How you holding up, tribrows?" She asked in an unusually soft voice.

Blaine couldn't help but smile at the nickname. She'd said it so often, it was normal to him now.

"What are you all doing here?" He asked. Blaine was positive that none of them had permission to be away from school. But he also realised that they didn't care.

"We're here for _you_," Thad said from his seat beside David. "You didn't actually expect us to let you do this on your own, did you?"

"We're here to support you," said Sam.

"Thank you," Blaine said gratefully, his tears finally spilling over. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

Kurt squeezed his hand gently and led him to his seat at the front.

"You ready?" He asked softly. Blaine turned to look at him, finally dropping all pretence.

"No," he whimpered. "I promised Cooper I'd sing this song I've been working on, but it isn't ready. I don't want to disappoint him Kurt, not today of _all _days."

"Hey, shh," He said, giving Blaine's hand another squeeze. "Cooper isn't going to be disappointed in you for not singing it. He loves you, I can see that. Your mamma loved you, I'm sure she would just like to hear you sing. It doesn't matter what song you decide to do Blaine."

He took several deep, calming breaths before nodding. "Okay… I know what I'm going to do."

Blaine's head was fuzzy. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the coffin, where he knew his mother was lying just inside. Out of the corner of his eye, Blaine saw the man running the service get to his feet and start talking, but none of his words seemed to go in. Maybe his ears had stopped working. No, he knew that wasn't true, because he could hear the shuddering breaths that came from Cooper as he tried to keep his tears at bay. He tried to pay attention when his older brother got up to speak, but he couldn't. He did, however, manage to catch the odd phrase, such as "had a heart of gold", and "loved us more than we ever deserved, and for that we love her".

Too soon for his liking, Blaine was at the front of the room. He took his seat at the baby grand piano, just off to the side, took a deep breath and started to sing.

"_I will remember you, will you remember me?_

_Don't let your life pass you by_

_Weep not for the memories_

_Remember the good times that we had?_

_I let them slip away from us when things got bad_

_How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun_

_Want to feel your warmth upon me; I want to be the one_

_I will remember you, will you remember me?_

_Don't let your life pass you by_

_Weep not for the memories."_

Blaine opened his eyes and looked out at the people in the room. Kurt was crying silently, tears glazing his face. Cooper was now a wreck, his chest heaving with sobs, curled into Sean's arms. Carole had tears falling from her eyes and Burt had his hand on her knee, also trying not to cry. Every member of the New Directions and everyone in the Warblers was crying too. For the first time, everyone in the room could see just how much pain Blaine was in, just how much losing his mother had hurt him. He turned his gaze away from the crowd, settling it on the coffin in front of him.

"_I'm so tired but I can't sleep,_

_Standing on the edge of something much too deep_

_It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word_

_We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard_

_But I will remember you, will you remember me?_

_Don't let your life pass you by_

_Weep not for the memories_

_I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose_

_Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose_

_Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night_

_You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light_

_And I will remember you, will you remember me?_

_Don't let your life pass you by_

_Weep not for the memories."_

Blaine took a deep breath, looking back at Kurt. His voice was breaking in odd places and he was thankful that the song was almost finished, because he had no idea how much longer he could keep going. There were tears falling thick and fast from his eyes as he sang the final words of the song in a voice much softer than before.

"_And I will remember you_

_Will you remember me?_

_Don't let your life pass you by_

_Weep not for the memories_

_Weep not for the memories."_

He pressed the final key down and let out a strangled sob. Immediately, Kurt stood and moved beside him, taking him into his arms. Blaine finally allowed himself to cry, wrapping his arms around Kurt.

"Listen to me sweetie," Kurt said in a low whisper. "You need to sit down. I have to do something for you, but you need to go back to your seat, alright? Can you do that for me?"

Blaine gave a small nod and allowed Kurt to lead him back to his seat. Once he was settled, Kurt moved to the front of the church. Blaine raised an eyebrow, bewildered. He looked at Cooper for an answer, but saw his own confusion reflected in his face. Blaine turned his attention back to Kurt, who opened his mouth to sing into the silence.

"_Amazing grace, how sweet the sound_

_That saved a wretch like me_

_I once was lost but now I'm found_

_Was blind, but now I see_

_T'was grace that taught my heart to fear_

_And grace, my fears relieved_

_How precious did that grace appear?_

_The hour I first believed_

_Through many dangers, toils and snares_

_I have already come_

'_Tis grace that brought me safe thus far_

_And grace will lead me home."_

Kurt didn't need a piano or anyone singing with him – his voice was perfect on its own, high, strong and clear. Blaine let out a shuddering breath. He tried to hold back his tears, but it was far too much for him to handle. He curled his hands into fists, trying to calm himself. Kurt watched him closely – he also had tears in his eyes but successfully held them back. When he finished the song, he moved to his seat, taking Blaine's hand.

"Th-Thank you," Blaine managed to say between his sobs.

"You don't have to thank me," He replied. "I told you, I'm here for you."

"Why did you choose that song?"

Kurt bit his lip. "It was played at my mother's funeral," he said eventually. "I remember singing along to it while my dad cried. I think it's beautiful."

He nodded his agreement. Then the man running the ceremony called for their attention. Blaine wasn't listening, but he knew what it meant. Cooper got to his feet, followed by Sean, Nick and Jeff. Kurt glanced at Blaine, an eyebrow raised. He didn't have to say anything for him to understand. The two of them got to their feet and walked towards the coffin, which was covered in white roses. The six of them picked it up carefully, three of them on each side and began the slow walk out of the church with Cooper and Blaine at the front. Both of them were crying silently and couldn't meet the gaze of anyone in the church.

It seemed to take forever for them to reach the spot in the cemetery where their mother was going to be laid to rest. Blaine's body seemed to function without him noticing and before he knew it, he was stood watching the coffin being lowered into the ground, Kurt's arms around his waist. That was when it hit home for Blaine – he'd never get the chance to talk to her again, never hug her, or hear her laugh. He felt his legs give way and sank to the floor, openly sobbing. Kurt crouched down beside him, murmuring words of comfort. It was a while before Blaine was able to speak again.

"C-Can I be alone, please?" He said quietly. The others nodded, some of them patting his shoulder in a somewhat reassuring way and walked away, until only Kurt remained. "Kurt?"

"I know honey," he said quietly. "I'll go if you want to." Blaine nodded. "Okay. I'll be by the car, alright? Take as long as you need."

Blaine nodded and watched as he walked away. The second he was alone, he allowed his grief to consume him, nothing bothering to try and prevent his tears from falling. His sobs were loud and verging on painful. He hugged his knees to his chest and stayed sat on the grass, just staring at the headstone in front of him.

He didn't see the person watching him from behind a tree. He didn't hear the footsteps approach him slowly. But he did feel the blunt force of something hitting the back of his head. He fell forwards, his gaze fuzzy. The spot where he'd been hit was throbbing painfully. He rolled over to his back, squinting to see the person stood above him.

"Karofsky," he hissed.

He saw the arm come down, hitting his head again and everything went black.

* * *

**Don't kill me! I've had this planned all along. Believe me, I know exactly where I'm going with this story. Don't worry your pretty little heads.**

**The songs in this chapter were:**

**Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You - /watch?v=XQtAOuBjysc**

**& Amazing Grace, which I put in because it means so much to me. It was my Nan's funeral song, my best friend's funeral song, and my parents' wedding song. So yeah, it means a lot to me. **

**For this chapter, I imagined this version.**

**/watch?v=9PyKqtTdyHo**


	25. Impossible

**Title: **Too Afraid To Love

**Rating :** M

**Pairings:** Kurt/Blaine

**Warnings: **Very strong language, sex, angst, self harm, physical abuse, non-con/rape and discussions/flashbacks of sexual abuse

**Author's Note: **Eh... So I haven't updated this since Boxing Day and I'm _so_ sorry about that! It has quite literally been one thing on top of the other; I spent New Year with my family, my laptop completely shut down, my internet broke and had to be replaced, my family went away to Turkey _and_ I've had a load of college work. But I'm back now; it's the summer and I have a lot of ideas for this story. Again, I apologise for being gone for so long.

However, I won't appreciate _death threats_ on my Tumblr and Facebook account. It's ridiculous. I'm seventeen, for crying out loud. Do you know how disheartening and hurtful it is to log onto my Tumblr and see death threats because this story hasn't been updated? I promised I hadn't abandoned this story and I haven't.

That being said, I want to thank you all for your patience. I promise this story will now have somewhat-regular updates, just as it did before. I won't have a half-year break again.

There's a lot going on in this chapter, but I thought it was necessary. Don't forget to review! It means a lot to me.

Also, I apologise for any mistakes in this chapter. I finished it rather quickly and only glanced through it, as I wanted to get it uploaded.

* * *

**Chapter 25: Impossible**

* * *

Kurt glanced at his watch yet again, worrying his bottom lip through his teeth. Blaine had been at his mother's headstone for nearly ten minutes, totally alone. If the situation were any different, Kurt wouldn't be as worried but… Well, it was his mother's funeral, and she had meant the world to him. Kurt had seen just how much he was struggling in the church, but he'd also seen how he had managed to hide the majority of his pain. Kurt couldn't help but worry about the younger boy – what if he found a way or hurting himself? Anything could have been running through Blaine's mind. They'd only had one therapy session and there was no way either of them were better. Not yet, anyway.

"I'm going to check on Blaine," Kurt said to the others after a while.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, buddy?" Burt asked, raising an eyebrow. "He _did _say he wanted to be alone."

"I know he did, but I'm worried. I won't approach him or anything; I just want to make sure that he's alright, and that he hasn't done anything stupid."

"I'll come with you," Cooper said, moving to Kurt's side. The older Anderson brother gave him a small, sad smile. Kurt nodded at him and together, they walked around the corner.

When Kurt caught sight of Blaine, his heart stopped beating. He wasn't alone and by the looks of it, he wasn't even conscious. A figure was standing over him and after a few seconds, he hauled the boy into his arms. When the figure turned around, Kurt had to fight the urge to be sick. His fear rooted him to the spot and he felt completely numb. Only when the figure ran his hand down Blaine's face did he react.

"Karofsky!" He screamed, dropping his phone and running towards him. He was followed by a bewildered, but obviously furious Cooper, though Kurt barely noticed. He couldn't let Blaine be taken by that monster. He wouldn't.

Karofsky's eyes widened at the sound of Kurt's voice and he turned, sprinting through the graveyard, away from them. Kurt knew, deep down, that there was no hope in hell that he would catch him. But that certainly didn't stop him from trying. Karofsky reached a large, dark car and threw Blaine inside, running around to the driver's seat. He sped off immediately and Kurt let out a furious snarl, running even harder. He only stopped when the car disappeared around a corner – he sank to his knees in the middle of the road, strangled sobs escaping his lips. Cooper was stood just behind him – he did the rational thing and pulled out his phone, fingers trembling. Kurt barely registered him talking, but he could hear Cooper giving Karofsky's description and the car's licence plate number. When he was finished, he crouched beside Kurt and placed an arm around his shoulder. Kurt immediately turned into him, sobbing into his chest. He could hear the soft words of comfort coming from the man, but it did little to soothe him. Cooper helped him to his feet and led him back to his family slowly, picking up Kurt's phone from the ground as they went.

"What the _hell_ happened?" Burt yelled, his entire body tensing when he saw the two of them approaching. "Where's Blaine?"

At the sound of his boyfriend's name, Kurt let out another wail, turning to hide his face in Cooper's chest. Cooper explained to them in a hollow voice what had happened, flinching at their reactions. Burt let out a furious growl and stormed off. Carole let out a tiny sob and pulled Kurt into her arms, hugging him as tightly as she could. Kurt didn't hear her soft words of comfort, nor did he see Burt return, shaking his head sadly. The only thing running through his mind was the promise he'd made to Blaine before they'd left for the funeral. Kurt had promised not to leave his side. Yet, that's exactly what he had done. He had left Blaine alone, when he was most vulnerable. Blaine had needed him, and he'd left. If anything happened to him, Kurt would never be able to forgive himself.

* * *

Cooper Anderson was at a loss. He was sat in the Hudmels (or rather, the Hudson/Hummel) living room, crying silently. It had been hours since the funeral and in that time, he'd barely said a word. It was cruel, how Blaine was taken. Obviously it was bad enough, but on the day of their Mamma's funeral… Cooper hadn't known who had taken Blaine, but apparently he was bad news. Burt had explained to him in a hushed voice exactly who Dave Karofsky was, and it completely terrified him. What that man – no, that _boy_ – did to Kurt was vulgar. He could only hope that his little brother wasn't in for the same fate.

"What the hell do you mean there's nothing you can do?!"

Cooper glanced up at the enraged voice of the older Hummel, an eyebrow raised. The man had been on the phone for the past half an hour, trying desperately to do _something_ about Blaine. Cooper may have only met Burt a few times, but he could see how angry it was, and it was unnerving.

"We gave you the bastard's name, description and the licence plate of the car!" Burt continued down the phone. "Are you honestly telling me that's not enough?" He listened for a few more minutes before slamming the phone down, almost throwing himself on the sofa.

"Burt honey, calm down," Carole said, rubbing his arm soothingly. The elder Hummel merely grunted in response, causing his wife to sigh, getting to her feet. "Cooper, I'm going to make a pot of coffee. Do you want any?" He nodded slowly and she offered him a tiny smile. "Would you mind running down and asking Kurt for me? You know where his room is."

Although she didn't say it, the real reason Carole was sending him to check on Kurt was obvious – she didn't want him doing anything stupid in Blaine's absence, things that they had been trying so hard to overcome. So Cooper merely nodded at the kind-faced woman and hauled himself to his feet, heading down to the basement bedroom slowly.

* * *

Kurt was completely numb. The whole situation was distressing to say the least, and he took the opportunity to think about how much his life had changed ever since he met Blaine. Turn back the clocks a few months, and he would probably have been at Scandals, fucking a random man in the toilets. He wouldn't have let anyone even speak to him, and he most certainly wouldn't be curled in a ball on his bed, desperately fighting back his tears. The more he thought about it, the more Kurt realised that meeting Blaine Anderson had turned his world upside-down. In reality, he should probably hate the boy – he was Kurt's complete opposite; quiet, shy, whole, pure… But then he thought about the good Blaine had done for him in such a short space of time; he'd actually managed to convince Kurt to re-join the New Directions, got him to socialise and reconnect with his old friends once again. And most importantly, Blaine had been the reason he'd confronted Karofsky. Yes, it had been painful, almost to the point where it was unbearable, and telling his father everything had been absolute torture, but Kurt was finally getting the help he'd always known he needed, but had been too ashamed to seek.

There were footsteps on his stairs and Kurt sat up quickly, drying his eyes. After the quick knock, he got to his feet and opened the door, surprised to see Cooper stood there.

"H-Hey, Kurt," he said quietly, not quite meeting his gaze. "Carole wanted to know if you want some coffee," Kurt only shook his head. Cooper nodded and turned to walk back up the stairs.

"Wait," Kurt said, speaking for the first time since he'd arrived at his home. "D-Do you want to come in for a bit? We… don't have to talk. But it might be nice to just… Sit."

Cooper gave a grateful nod and stepped into the room. Kurt led him over to the sofa and pushed him lightly, making him sit. Kurt sat beside him silence, not wanting to force him to talk. It took about ten minutes, but eventually, Cooper managed to form words.

"Do you think he's going to be okay?"

Kurt hesitated, not entirely sure what could be classed as 'okay'. There was no doubt in his mind that Karofsky would do _something_ to Blaine, but he knew that he wouldn't kill him. Karofsky had his eye on Blaine from the moment he walked through the doors of McKinley, something Kurt absolutely hated. He shook himself mentally, realising that Cooper was waiting for an answer.

"I don't know," he said carefully, worrying his bottom lip through his teeth. "K-Karofsky won't kill him. But I don't know if he'll be _okay." _It was obvious from Cooper's expression that he could understand the hidden meaning behind Kurt's chosen words. His face darkened and his entire body tensed. "I'm sorry, Cooper," Kurt continued, reaching out to take his hand. The older Anderson brother took it, giving it a firm squeeze.

"Why?" Cooper choked out. "Why Blaine? Why today, of all days? It was our Mamma's funeral, for god's sake! Blaine's so innocent and so goddamn gentle; if this Karofsky kid hurts him, I'm going to destroy him. I don't know how, but I will rip that bastard limb from-"

"I'm with you," Kurt interrupted.

"What?"

"I said I'm with you. You think I don't want to keep Blaine safe? You think I want this to be happening to him? I _love_ your little brother. He's the only person in the whole world that I trust. So if Karofsky does anything to him, I'm going to rip his throat out with my teeth."

Cooper looked impressed, though he didn't smile. The older Anderson brother pulled Kurt closer to him without saying a word, running his hand through his dishevelled hair in a comforting manner. It was only then that Kurt realised that Blaine usually did it in the exact same way, threading his fingers through the soft hair. And for the first time in what felt like years, Kurt allowed himself to be comforted by someone that wasn't Blaine.

* * *

Blaine was absolutely terrified. It had been bad enough to see the face of the boy he despised, holding a rock above his head. But to wake up with his hands bound behind his back, gagged and with blindfold on? Well, Blaine was surprised he didn't die of fright.

He wasn't entirely sure how long it had been. All he knew was that his entire body ached; he was curled in a tight ball in a small, cramped place that he could only assume was the boot of a car. The steady vibrations beneath his body only confirmed his suspicions. He hesitantly moved his foot, startled when it nudged against something cold and hard, like metal. He furrowed his brow and tried to move, the action making his back protest furiously. Without needing to feel, Blaine knew there was a lump and a wound on his head, from where he'd been hit with the rock. The stickiness in his hair meant blood and he knew it. It was disgusting; Blaine had been at a _funeral_ when Karofsky decided to attack him. All he could think is what kind of sick bastard would do that. But then his mind wandered to Kurt and he wondered how terrified his boyfriend must have been. They weren't used to being apart, not anymore, and they practically needed one another to survive.

Without warning, the vibrations from the car engine stopped. Blaine tensed as he heard a door slam and then footsteps, growing closer and closer. There was the creak of metal and cold air rushed onto his body, making him shiver involuntary. Someone, he presumed it was Karofsky, picked him up in a bridal carry and began to carry him… well, somewhere. He thrashed around as much as he could, only for the arms to tighten around him, making him whimper.

"If you keep moving around, I'll make you regret the day you were born," Karofsky said in a snarl.

As much as Blaine wanted to struggle, he stayed perfectly still. Even if he could get free, what could he possibly do at this point? His hands were tied behind his back, he couldn't see where he was and he couldn't exactly shout for help. So Blaine remained still, not wanting to do anything to anger Karofsky. After all, he knew what his temper was like, and had experienced it first-hand. Blaine let out a tiny whimper as Karofsky carried him, praying to a god he didn't believe in that everything would be alright.

The smell was what hit him first. Mould, damp and god knows what else. Wherever they were, the place was filled with foul odours. Blaine wrinkled his nose, as though trying to protect himself from the stench, despite knowing it was pointless. The next thing that hit him was the noise or lack thereof. Wherever they were was totally silent, other than the footsteps coming from Karofsky. It was unnerving really, to have no idea where you were and for there to be no noise around you, nothing to give you a clue.

The footsteps stopped and Karofsky lurched slightly as he stopped walking, making Blaine whimper. Before he could even comprehend what was happening, he was dropped to the floor. Literally. The gag was pulled from his mouth and he revelled in the ability to breathe normally again.

"God, look at you," Karofsky whispered. Blaine gasped at how close he was, able to feel his breath on his face. He whimpered, hating the fact that he couldn't see. "You know, I wanted you from the minute I saw you. You were just stood there. And then you went with _him_!"

Blaine was startled by how aggressive Karofsky's voice suddenly got and flinched, trying to move away from him. Without any form of warning, he was hauled to his feet and the blindfold was ripped from his face. The room was exactly how he expected; dark, damp and tiny. Karofsky was stood directly in front of him, eyes fixed on his face.

"You look scared," he said, taking a step closer to him, so their bodies were pressed closer together. Blaine flinched, making the older boy laugh. Karofsky reached out and ran his fingertips down his cheekbone. "You probably should be. You do know what I'm capable of, after all. But you should also get used to it because you aren't going anywhere."

Blaine opened his mouth to speak, only to find that no words would come out. He trembled, biting his lip as Karofsky moved his hand to Blaine's cheek, brushing his thumb over his cheekbone lightly. "Shy, sweet little Blaine Anderson. Aren't you beautiful? Kurt doesn't deserve you."

"Fuck you!" Blaine spat, jerking out of his touch. The simple action made Karofsky furious; he growled, fingers tangling in Blaine's hair and forcing him to look at him. "You do not move away from me! You're going to be here for a long time. Do you honestly think I'm just going to let you go? No, Blaine. You're mine."

The tiniest of whimpers fell past his lips but he didn't pull away. Karofsky's words had scared him to say the least; he was bad enough at McKinley but now? Now there was no filter. He could hurt Blaine as much as he wanted, and it terrified him. All he could do was close his eyes and hope for the best.

* * *

Ten days. Ten fucking days since Blaine had been taken. Ten days he had been with that monster. Ten days without any news. Kurt was reaching his breaking point. He couldn't eat, sleep or even speak. He hadn't uttered a single word since his conversation with Cooper, the day Blaine had been taken. The police had been practically no help, having told them that they were doing the best that they could. It was no comfort though; Kurt had read somewhere that the highest chance of finding a kidnapped victim was in the first twenty four hours and after that, there was little hope. After the first twenty four hours, Kurt had shut himself in his bedroom, refusing to get out of bed, unless it was to use the bathroom. Each day seemed to last for years and he was slowly beginning to lost track of them.

"Kurt?"

He sat up ever so slightly in bed, looking up to his bedroom door. At the sight of his father he merely slumped back down against the mattress. Burt sighed softly, stepping further into the room and placing his hand on Kurt's shoulder.

"Listen to me, buddy. He's going to be okay. Blaine's going to be okay. He's strong and he's a fighter. You know that better than any of us. You've seen how strong he is, he'll get through it." When Kurt remained silent, Burt let out another sigh, shifting closer to him to offer soft words of comfort. Yet no matter what he did, Kurt remained the same. After about half an hour of trying to comfort his son, Burt left the bedroom, shaking his head sadly. As soon as he was alone, Kurt gave into his tears once again. He curled into a tight ball onto his bed, clutching Blaine's pillow close to him, inhaling deeply. It was starting to lose the smell of Blaine, something that broke his heart. But it was one of the only things he had left to him.

And then, without any form of warning, Kurt's phone rang. For ten days he had avoided all phone calls, mostly not even bothering to look at the caller ID. Today though, he did. Kurt said bolt upright in bed, staring at the name on the screen.

"Blaine?!" He answered, getting to his feet quickly. "Oh thank god, baby. Where are you? What happened? Are you hurt? Talk to me!"

"_Shut up, Hummel,"_ an eerily familiar voice growled. Kurt swallowed hard, gripping his phone impossibly tighter. How dare Karofsky call him from Blaine's phone? Oh god, what was he doing to him?! The thought made him feel sick but regardless, Kurt remained silent. "_That's better,"_ Karofsky continued. "_Now, I'm going to go ahead and assume you want your little Blainey back?"_

"Of course I do, you sick bastard!"

"_Calm down. Just stay patient, okay? You'll get him back. On one condition; I want you."_

It felt like all of the wind had been ripped out of Kurt's lungs. But he couldn't let Blaine go through it all. He couldn't let Karofsky violate his boyfriend. No way.

"Fine," he spat furiously. "Just don't hurt Blaine!"

"_That depends on your definition of 'hurt'," _Karofsky said in a dark voice. "_He looks pretty beat up, Kurtsie."_

"What the fuck did you do to him?! Damn you, Karofsky, he was pure! He doesn't deserve this!"

"_It's your fault for not protecting him! Now shut up and listen carefully. I'm going to text you an address. You're to go there alone. Believe me, I'll know if you are or not. And if you bring a single fucking person with you, I'll cut his throat."_

"Okay," Kurt said in a sob. "Okay, fine. You win, Karofsky. I'll come. I just… Please, let me speak to him? Please? I'm begging you. I just need to know he's okay."

There was a few seconds of silence. Kurt listened as carefully as he could, able to hear a faint rustling and the soft murmur of voices. And then after what felt like an age, he heard him.

"_Kurt?"_

"Oh my god, Blaine! Where are you? What's happened? Are you okay?"

"_Stop,"_ Blaine said in a whimper. There was more rustling and a gasp of pain. "_I can't… I can't tell you where I am because I have no idea. H-How long has it been?"_

"Blaine… You've been gone for ten days. Everyone's been going crazy. Seriously, are you okay?"

"_I'm sorry. Oh my god… Just… try and calm them down, okay? Just reassure Cooper or something, please."_ Kurt furrowed his brow as he listened to his boyfriend talk. He wasn't an idiot; he didn't miss the way Blaine avoided his main question… He didn't try and reassure him that he was okay.

"Blaine, for god's sake. Just… Tell me what happened. Tell me you're okay."

He heard a heavy sigh that he recognised as Blaine, before the sound of his boyfriend repeating the question. Karofsky replied something, just before Kurt heard a yelp of pain.

"_He… He said I'm allowed to tell you… I, uh… I was blindfolded when we got here so I have no idea where I am. And my hands are still tied behind my back. He's b-been giving me food and stuff, so I'm okay. I'll be okay, Kurt."_

"But what's he doing to you? You _have_ to tell me that because we both know what he's like!"

"_No… No, please don't make me… I'm begging you, please…"_

"Blaine… Please. I need to know. I need to know. Please, baby."

"_He… He's t-touched me… And he's beat me. But he hasn't done everything to me. Kurt, I love you. I… No! No, I'm not done speaking to him! Please, Karofsky. Please, let me talk to him. I love him!"_

Kurt's heart broke at the sound of Karofsky's snarl, and then the painful sound of what sounded like knuckles hitting flesh. Blaine cried out, making Kurt let out a sob. After a few seconds, he heard Karofsky's voice once again.

"_You know what to do?"_

"Y-Yes… Text me the address and I'll be there."

Without another word, the line went dead. Kurt's phone fell through his completely numb fingers and he curled into a ball, wiping away his tears. Karofsky still had Blaine. And he was hurting him. The vibrating of his phone startled him and he swallowed hard when he saw the address he had been sent. Kurt practically jumped to his feet, pulling on a pair of shoes and a jacket, taking the stairs two at a time.

"Kurt, where are you going?"

He groaned at the sound of his dad and froze at the front door, turning incredibly slowly to face him. "I… I won't be long," he lied, hands trembling. "I just need some air."

Burt gave him a sympathetic look and waved him out. Kurt was grateful and moved out into the street, taking a deep breath. He climbed into his car and pulled away as fast as he could, adrenaline pumping through his veins. He needed to get to Blaine. And he was going to. Kurt was finally going to get Blaine back, even if it was going to cost him his own freedom.


End file.
